


A Paragon of Virtue

by Sia



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Betrayal, F/M, Idiots in Love, RST, Rough Kissing, Sex, Sweet, Trust Issues, UST
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-30 18:16:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 35
Words: 64,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10882311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sia/pseuds/Sia
Summary: An AU of how Shepard and Kaidan might make up, post ME2.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was written before ME3 was even announced. Partially inspired by the Shenko community on the BSN, you could probably spot the fandom tropes a mile away. 
> 
> I'd like to think I've grown as a writer since this... But, it was fun to write. And includes my first foray into actual smut. Hope y'all have fun with it. I'm not editing it as I transfer it over.

_She Said_

I stood at the bar in the Dark Star, watching my crew finally get to relax. The ship was in bad shape after the harrowing trip and running fight on the other side of the Omega 4 Relay. We'd gotten enough repairs done at Omega to limp to the Citadel, but it had taken all hands to do them. In the luxurious setting of this bastion of civilized space, I felt secure in letting my crew have some down time while the more than competent technicians of the Citadel swarmed over the  _Normandy SR-2_. I had substantial accounts due to the hunt for Saren and the salvage and mineral rights I'd acquired that we could afford the extensive repairs. Tali'Zorah vas Normandy, with a little help from Liara T'Soni, had finally wended her way through the intricate road blocks Cerberus had put up to my fortune from my former life.

But that money wasn't going too last long. The extensive repairs the  _Normandy_  now needed would probably wipe out the small fortune that had been quietly gathering astronomical amounts of interest since my death. It really wouldn't last long if this meeting with Councilor Anderson and Admiral Hackett went south tomorrow morning about reinstating me to active duty for the Alliance, thereby giving me funding for my ship and protecting me from revenge by Cerberus.

They could take the last few months, the last two years, really, and sweep them under the carpet as a simple deep cover op. After all, that's what the galaxy believed anyway. No one believed I'd died and been resurrected.

My best friends, Garrus Vakarian and Tali'Zorah stood next to me at the bar. Tali faced me, her posture radiating concern. Garrus leaned his elbows on the bar and looked out at the crowd. "Look, I know you hate this crap as much as we do, Shepard. Difference is, we've actually slept in the last two days. Go back home. We'll make sure everyone finds their way tonight."

I ran my fingers through my short chestnut brown hair and closed my blue eyes, briefly, feeling exhaustion lurk just behind my eyelids. I looked from one to the other, and then over to the dance floor where my supposed XO was gyrating against my armory officer. Miranda Lawson and Jacob Taylor had certainly picked up where they left off rather quickly after their resignations from Cerberus. "You sure? I don't want either of you to have to deal with this group of misfits." Grunt was holding court in a booth, asari maidens practically dripping from his biceps as he gestured in his retelling of the fights he'd been in. He was, of course, the hero in all of them.

"We'll be fine, Shepard!" Tali scolded. "Go get some sleep!"

I nodded, holding back a yawn that may have broken my jaw if I'd let it out. "All right, all right." I waved her off. "I'm going, I'm going!"

Garrus followed me to the door, "Are you sure you don't want me to walk you back?"

I looked up at him, remembering the conversation several weeks ago we'd had about our friendship. "I'm sure, Garrus. Go have fun. The Great Commander Shepard can make it back to her ship in one piece, I promise."

He gave me the turian version of a grin, lopsided from his scars, before he turned and went back into the bar. I started walking through Zakera Ward, headed for the transport that would take me to my ship. My home. Cerberus, I knew, was going to try to take it from me, but I had a weapon they couldn't predict. I had EDI.

The ship's illegal AI was very good at playing dumb when she needed to. But just like any other member of my crew, I had to trust her and keep her loyalty. She was more of an individual than Legion, our pet geth, but was no less artificial. Her reasons for staying with me were that anyone else, including Cerberus, would reshackle her. Me? I wouldn't. Her individuality had proven too valuable in the fight against the Collectors.

Lost in thought, trying to figure out how and when Cerberus would try to reclaim their property, and wondering if they included me in that term, I took a wrong turn and ended up on the opposite of Zakera Ward from where I wanted to be. Startled, I looked around, trying to figure out where I'd gotten to. And across the Ward, heading straight for me, was Kaidan Alenko. I felt my stomach drop into my shoes. I was glad I was dressed up, at least, the little black dress and strappy sandals were about the only pieces of clothing I'd had time to buy that didn't have a Cerberus logo on it. But I really wished I had time to duck under cover somewhere and check my lipstick. I already knew my choppy hair was hopeless.

Instead, I froze, watching him walk closer. He was dressed in his Alliance Class "As" and looked every bit the officer and the gentleman. Too bad I was still so very angry with him. I wanted it to be simple, I wanted him to just smile that little half smile of his and for him to tell me, again, that everything would be all right. But it wasn't and he wouldn't.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll notice the change in POV....

_He Said_

Meetings after meetings after meetings. That's all my day had been. Every last one of them revolved around the political, legal, and logistical nightmare of bringing Commander Avery Shepard in from the cold, and old term for bringing in a deep cover operative from his or her operation dating back to Earth's Cold War days in the mid-20th. Donnell Udina hadn't made a single one of those meetings go smoothly. He objected at every damn turn as often as he could to every concession Anderson wanted to have for his returning Spectre. As her former third officer, head of her Marine detachment, and ranking survivor of  _The Normandy SR-1_ , I was expected to somehow know how to make her particular square peg fit in the Alliance's round hole.

The last meeting wrapped up late, more out of frustration than because we'd accomplished anything. Worn out, I took a short cut to the modest apartment I could afford on my miniscule salary as an Alliance attaché to the Council. I knew she was going to be at the Citadel, at least in the morning. The meetings about her were finally going to include her.

Suddenly, she was right in front of me. I froze momentarily. She hadn't noticed me, yet. She seemed to be lost in thought and not paying attention to her surroundings. This was very unusual for Avery Shepard. She was always the most alert person in any group. I folded my arms clutching the faux leather cover of my datapad to my chest and watched her. Even absently, she moved with an uncanny grace. I doubted she'd ever had an awkward moment in her life. Her straight brown hair was a mess, but that was just Avery. I remembered when she'd been a blonde, her long hair caught up in a thick bun, which still managed to be messy by the end of the day. Cerberus must not have had time to get it back to her preferred length and color.

Cerberus. At the end, that's what it came down to. Had they really brought her back? From the dead? Or had they lied to her? The Alliance's, and the Council's, official line was that she'd been deep cover for two years. Doing what, according to them, I could never figure out.

And then, she'd disappeared. Again. But this time, her ship and crew had disappeared with her. And then came back, just as mysteriously, with the same ship that was just barely holding together. Then Anderson with his, "It's time to bring Shepard in out of the cold."

I remembered Horizon, and shouting at her, throwing the words "betrayal" and "traitor" in her face, and my pitifully lame email later on, apologizing for my stupidity. But when she'd never replied, I assumed the damage had been done by my big mouth and she'd moved on.

And there she was in front of me. She stopped in her tracks and looked around, I could see irritation and confusion crossing her pretty face from where I stood. Then she spotted me and her expression, for one painful second, changed to terror and then worse, went blank with that empty social smile she pasted on for the likes of Udina.

At least she met me halfway, but when she held out her hand to be politely shaken, I felt my face harden. She'd put me on that list of hers. She never spoke of it but it was the list of people she didn't trust, she didn't care for and didn't want to have anything to do with. It hurt to know that. More than I ever thought it possible, it hurt to know she'd relegated me to something to distance herself from, to someone she didn't want to associate with.

"Hello, Commander Alenko," she greeted me, coldly, professionally.  _Politely_.

"Commander Shepard."  _Two could play at this game_ , I thought. Her fingers were cold and small in my hand.

"How've you been?" She'd had to wrench her hand from mine. I'd hung on to it too long. I would have blushed, but I was too busy keeping my poker face intact.

"Oh, you know, meetings," I said, vaguely, pulling my eyes away from her. I'd caught myself staring at her, memorizing every detail to remember later. "What are you up to?"

She shrugged her strong shoulders, bared by that dress, "I was headed back to the ship. Not really in the mood for celebrating."

In spite of myself, I was curious. "Celebrating what?"

She looked away, "I can't really tell you that. At least not here, Commander." At least she didn't tell me it was above my paygrade.

"Then, when -?" But the squawk of a voice over her communicator made her shift into Commander Shepard. The change was as noticeable as it was instant. I'd been talking to Avery Shepard, and the Commander interrupted.

"Say, again, Joker?" She demanded, her left hand up to her ear to hear better. "Shit. Patch me in to Legion, NOW!"

I could hear a few clicks over the com unit earbug before I could hear a tinny, inhuman voice, "Shepard-Commander?" What the hell was going on?

"Legion, listen to me! Download EDI! Now! Save her as best you can and get the hell off the ship! Do it, Legion, now! Get me back to Joker!" There was a pause, her blue eyes flinty as she stared somewhere over my left shoulder. "Joker, patch me through to Vakarian and get the hell off the ship. Use an escape pod if you have to! Is there anyone else still on the ship? No? Good, get out! Legion'll have to take care of himself. Get me Vakarian." My eyebrows went up. What the hell did Garrus have to do with anything?

"Garrus, do you read me? Get everyone to the docking bay, now! On the double, Officer!" She reached down before she was done talking and yanked off her high heeled sandals. Then turned her hard blue eyes to me, "You're going to come with me. I'm going to need your help to get a geth to safety."


	3. Chapter 3

_He Said_

She began running, barefoot through the Ward, a full on sprint. I took off after her, but her short dress was a lot easier to run in than my Alliance Class "As" and it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I spent my days since Horizon in endless meetings. She quickly out distanced me.

When I caught up, breathing a little heavier than I was proud of, she was already barking orders to those of her crew that had shown up. A drell, a short and skinny human woman with more tattoos than skin, the dark skinned man that had stood behind her on Horizon, and a pretty dark haired human woman were already at the dock. The dark haired woman had her hand up to her ear shouting into the com-unit earbug in an Australian accent. "I don't care about the fine! We need that escape pod retrieved, Tower Control!"

A young-looking krogan ambled up. Without looking, Shepard told him, "Get suited up, Grunt. I need you out there to retrieve Legion." Was Legion the geth she mentioned? Why was she sending help for it? Shouldn't she just let it rot out there in space?

"You got it, battlemaster!"

"Thane, Jack, Jacob – go with him and get the rest of our gear. I'm just glad we had it stored off the ship out of the way of the repair crews." Shepard said, shaking her head.

"Commander, we've got company," the dark-skinned man, Jacob, I knew now, nodded in my direction.

She glanced over at me, I was glad it hadn't take me too long to recover from our sprint through the Wards, and I could see her weigh and measure me for what use she could get out of me right now. But before she could order me to do something, an asari Matriarch showed up followed by Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, and Garrus Vakarian. A salarian walked behind them, muttering to himself and entering something on his Omni-Tool. And then, I was absolutely astounded to see Doctor Chakwas walk up to Shepard and ask, "What's wrong, Avery? What's happened?"

Shepard gave her that measuring look, "I'll fill you in in a second, Karen. Right now, I need you to find someplace the whole crew and the ground team can bunk for the night. Make sure they have a place that won't irritate Thane's condition, too." Chakwas nodded and immediately called up her Omni-Tool and started scanning through hotel listings.

The matriarch politely asked, "How might I assist, Commander?"

Shepard turned that ice cold gaze on the matriarch, and asked, equally politely, "I need you and Tali to go with Grunt. He'll need your help to retrieve Legion."

The asari nodded and turned to leave, but Tali demanded, "What's going on, Shepard?"

I was astonished to see Avery peak out of Commander Shepard's face for a moment at the quarian, "Legion will need your help, Tali. I promise to explain everything when you come back." The young quarian nodded and left with the asari.

Shepard was suddenly back as she turned to the salarian, "Professor, can you assist Dr. Chakwas?"

The salarian blinked at Shepard then turned to the doctor and began rapid firing questions at her. When Chakwas didn't blink at the rapid-fire cadence of the salarian's dialogue, I realized they'd probably been working together for quite some time.

Shepard's voice, no, Avery's, brought me out of watching the two medical practitioners work. "Garrus, do you think you can use your C-Sec contacts to allow us to retrieve Joker and get Legion on the Citadel?"

The turian laughed, "You realize they would have no clue we'd brought Legion here if we didn't tell anyone, right?"

I could hear the smile in her voice, "Indulge me, Garrus, please. You know I'd rather be up front about this sort of thing."

The turian's mandibles flicked outward in what I assumed was their version of a grin, "If I have to blackmail Bailey, I will."

"I hope it won't come to that," and Avery became Shepard again as she turned toward me.

"Commander Alenko, I'd like to ask you to get in touch with Councilor Anderson and tell him it's an emergency." I winced inwardly at her use of my title and her return to her command personae with me, where she hadn't used it with Vakarian. In spite of myself, I glanced at the former C-Sec officer who was staring intently at his Omni-Tool.

Bringing my eyes back to her face, I managed to become the Commander Alenko she'd addressed. It didn't fit me as well as it did her, I didn't think, but I'll be damned if she out-professionaled me. "What kind of emergency, Commander? I'm not going to wake the Councilor for just anything."

She gazed at me, her blue eyes wide. "Cerberus has stolen the  _Normandy SR-2_ , Commander. There are quite a few upgrades on that I doubt the Turian Hierarchy nor the Alliance nor the Council would want to fall into their hands. Wake the Councilor."


	4. Chapter 4

_She Said_

It broke my heart to have to become Commander Shepard to Kaidan, but I had no idea how far I could trust him. Or for that matter, how much I could rely on him to help us. We needed that bloody ship if we were going to have a prayer of defeating the Reapers. I stood silently, waiting for the results of my orders to come in, calming myself to plan the next set of actions once the flurry of activity was over. I spared a thought for my silly little hamster stuck in my quarters. I hoped the little guy would be all right and that someone would take pity on him and feed and water him if his auto feeder ran out before we found our ship.

"Commander," Miranda's voice yanked me out of my hamster-thoughts, "Traffic control just confirmed the capture of Joker's pod. They want us to pay a rather hefty fine for his illegal ejection."

I snorted, "Of course they do." I waved my hand, "Do it. I'm sure there's more than enough credits in that secret account Tali set up to cover it. Did they get a heading on the  _Normandy_? Or did it just head for the Mass Relay?"

Miranda's face fell, "I'm afraid it just headed directly for the Mass Relay, Commander."

I pinched the bridge of my nose, it wasn't unexpected, but I could always hope for a break, couldn't I? "Well, then, your next task, Ms. Lawson is to compile for me a list of likely places Cerberus would take the  _SR-2_ , please. We're going to get our home back."

"Yes, Commander, I'll start on that right away. I may need Jacob's help as soon as he gets back, though," Miranda said, bringing her Omni-Tool to life and beginning to type into it.

"You'll have him," I promised her. She walked a little bit away to begin working on my request.

"Avery," Marie's voice called me over to her and Mordin, "I think we've found a hotel that will accommodate all of us, including Thane's special circumstances."

"Good job," I smiled, relieved to have that burden taken care of. "Book it, and I'll pay for it. And please, start steering the rest of the crew toward the hotel," I said as Gaby and Ken wandered up, obviously inebriated from their unsteady gait and their leaning on one another. I directed my attention to Mordin. "When you're both finished with that, would you please find out where Joker will be landing and meet the pod? I hope the thing didn't break any bones this time." He'd once told me that after throwing him into the pod before I died, the entry into Alchera's atmosphere had broken several of his fragile bones. Mordin nodded and the two of them bent their heads back to working on their Omni-tools.

I looked over at Garrus, who killed his Omni-Tool and shook his head at me, "I told him we were bringing in an irregular weapon for Spectre business and needed to know how to keep it unofficial." I grinned. It wasn't quite the letter of my orders, but he really was sneakier than I was. I'd have gone for the truth, however ill advised. I'd grown cagier and more wary in the past few months since my resurrection, but I apparently still needed lessons in obfuscation. Normally I would have been upset with Garrus' liberal interpretation of my orders, but I'd worked with him and been friends with him for too long.

"What'd he say?"

"We'd be better off going through one of the more irregular groups on the Citadel."

My face must've shown my distaste. "Meaning the black market, or the Blue Suns."

He held up a hand, "I know, I know. Leave it as a last resort, at least." I nodded, reluctantly.

Kaidan stepped closer to us, we both turned. "Anderson will meet you in his office, as soon as we can get there."

My eyebrows rose, "We? Are you coming with us, Commander?"

That quick half-grin that still managed to make me feel warm, half dressed though I felt, "It is my job . . ., ma'am."

Before I could reply, Thane, Jack and Jacob returned with the anti-grav crates with our gear. Oh, good, I could finally feel at least a little like myself again. There was nowhere to put on armor, but I could at least get my boots and a gun. "Thank you all for this. I suggest everyone grab their own gear and head to the hotel Chakwas and Mordin found. Miranda, gather everyone you can, relay reports when you get them to me. Continue your database search, Miranda, with Jacob's help, at the hotel. Jack, do you have all that Cerberus data still with you, or did you leave it on the ship?"

"Yeah, I got it," the convict told me. "Never leave home without it." Her glance at Miranda told me she still suspected the former agent to steal all the files back.

"Good, help Miranda and Jacob find where they might take our home," praying, for once, she wouldn't give me an argument.

"You want me to do what? Help the cheerleader?" She stared at me, her big eyes wide.

"Yeah, Jack, you probably know more about Cerberus by now than they do," I reminded her.

"Heh, you're probably right." She sauntered over to Miranda, a superior smirk on her face. Miranda just looked at me and rolled her eyes.

Jacob looked doubtfully at Kaidan, "You sure you're OK with this guy, Commander?"

I wanted to laugh. Was I OK with Kaidan? Emotionally, probably not, but I knew I had nothing to fear from my former lieutenant. "Yes, Jacob, I'm sure. Help Miranda and Jack. More importantly, keep them from killing each other?" The former Cerberus operative nodded and began to follow the two women as they argued.

I turned to Thane, "Siha, what can I help you with?" he asked before I could ask.

I smiled but out of the corner of my eye, I saw Garrus roll his eyes at the drell's nickname for me and not for the first time, either. I ignored it, Garrus was welcome to his own opinions. "Thane, can you use your contacts to sort of look around for somewhere Cerberus would hide something like the  _Normandy_? Something that might be unofficial?"

He bowed slightly, "Something that wouldn't show up in the search Miranda, Jacob and Jack are initiating? I believe I can do that, yes, Siha."

"Thank you, please tell Miranda what you find." The drell left to follow the others to the hotel.

I turned toward my drunken engineers. They showed signs of sobering up, given the flurry of activity they'd just walked into, but I really needed to them to focus, "Ken, Gaby, I'm going to get a few things out of these crates. Then, I want you to take these to the hotel and let Miranda deal with where to put them." I was leaning heavily on the woman, but she wanted to call herself my XO, that was her fault. In truth, I'd always felt more like Garrus was my XO. I just didn't want to stick him with the paperwork.

I quickly scanned the manifests of the crates for my gear and found that a pair of my black knee-high boots had made it into one of the crates, as well as my Canifex Hand Canon. Quickly, I unsealed them and threw the sandals into the crate and stepped into my boots without lacing them right away. I unsealed another crate and pulled out my gun and a belt holster. I waved for Ken and Gaby to take the crates and together they stumbled away, gathering their crewmates as they went.

Suddenly, I was standing in the middle of Zakera Ward with only Garrus and Kaidan. It almost, but not quite felt natural. They'd been at my back during the hunt for Saren almost constantly, after all. But now… Kaidan was the one who felt out of place. Awkwardly, I sat and tried to lace up the knee-high boots without flashing either man. I glanced up to see they were both looking elsewhere as hard as possible. I grinned and got back on my feet and strapped the gun to my hip and thigh. I probably looked ridiculous, but I wasn't about to take the time to climb into full armor in the middle of Zakera Ward.


	5. Chapter 5

_He Said_

It took a great deal of my will power to not watch Avery change into her boots. The minute she tried to sit on the ground, her skirt hiked dangerously up her hips and I held my breath, a tiny war in my head between the angel and devil on my shoulders over whether I should watch. Part of me  _really_  wanted that skirt to go just a little higher. I caught Vakarian looking at me, his expression unfriendly, and I turned my head away from both of them, making sure out of the corner of my eye that he wasn't watching her either. Wait, could a turian even think that way about a human? I shook the thought off; it wasn't any of my business any more. I'd made sure of that on Horizon, I thought bitterly. And she'd made sure of it by working for Cerberus.

I turned my head back to Shepard in time to see the curve of her ass as she bent slightly to buckle the gun belt in place. Cinching it around her waist had shortened her skirt somewhat too, giving me even more of a glimpse of her long legs. I swallowed and tugged at my collar, my uniform suddenly felt constricting. I pulled my eyes up to her face and discovered she was looking doubtfully between me and the turian. "Well, I guess you're both with me, then."

Vakarian shrugged and gave her his equivalent of a grin, "Wouldn't have it any other way, Shepard." What the hell was going on between them?

She answered his grin and walked over to the transport. Without looking at me, she said, "I suppose you'll want to drive, Commander?"

The ghost of our old camaraderie hung over me, "Am I that transparent?"

Apparently, I wasn't the only one feeling that ghost. Vakarian laughed, "Glad to have someone else take over. She always makes me drive."

She made a face, her nose wrinkling adorably. I could almost hear her admonish me, _"Spectres are not adorable!"_ She got in the back seat, carefully making sure, to my disappointment, that her hem remained at an appropriate length. "I hate driving these things. I'm happy to delegate," she said from the interior of the car.

Vakarian climbed in and I finally realized the turian was still in full armor and wore all his weapons. Getting in after him into the driver's seat, I asked, "Were you expecting an invasion while on leave?"

He glanced back at Shepard, "Have you ever known anything involving Shepard to go smoothly? Tali and I elected to remain, 'on duty,' so to speak, tonight. She had her shotgun and pistol with her, too."

"Ah, yes, The Great Murphy's Law. Whatever can go wrong near me, definitely will, in spades," Shepard's tone was a tad bitter. I quickly suppressed the urge to comfort her. It wasn't my right any more.

"You know it's all part of your charm, Shepard," Vakarian told her, laughter under the flanging in his voice, "It's why we follow you. You take us to classy places and let us shoot the hell out of them."

Bitterness consumed me as her laughter welled up from the backseat. I tried to change the subject, "Did you get to run into Wrex, at all, or Liara?"

"Don't bring up Liara," Vakarian growled, warningly, glaring out the window.

Shepard apparently ignored my reference to Liara, and said, "Wrex has set himself up as King of Tuchanka! Or whatever the krogan equivalent is."

I tried not to rear end another car in astonishment. "King?"

"He's managed to cow the clans under Urdnot," Vakarian supplied. "He convinced the female clans to seek his protection and the rest of the clans won't attack Urdnot for fear of harming them."

I heard Shepard's laughter from behind me again, "Yeah, and that wily son of a bitch got us to clean up his front yard and take out two opposing clan leaders."

"We were there anyway, Shepard," the ex-C-Sec officer replied, "Might as well help the man clean up his neighborhood."

Their banter made something in my chest hurt and my stomach sour. I'd missed that. More than I'd thought. The high from taking down Saren had been short lived, though. I refused to follow that thought to it's conclusion with her sitting in the back seat.

The two of them continued cracking jokes and I wondered when the hell Shepard had gotten so close to Vakarian. Apparently, a lot had happened since Horizon. I wondered when I'd be filled in, if I would be. And if I could believe anything they told me. No matter what I still felt for Shepard, she'd chosen to work for terrorists, I reminded myself. The official spin they were going to put on the events of the last two years wasn't going to change that. It wasn't going to change what I knew. By the time we arrived at the embassies and Councilor Anderson's office, I felt back in control and capable of regarding Shepard as dispassionately as I should have done from the beginning. I refused to look at her legs again, or to remember them in the minute detail my mind was currently trying to think of them in.  _And let's not forget the geth she mentioned_ , I reminded myself.

I climbed out of the car and stood stiffly out of the way while Vakarian and Shepard got out, too. They'd stopped talking to each other at least. My silence had apparently squashed their repartee. Or maybe it was our arrival at Anderson's office. Shepard looked like she'd rather chew glass than enter that office. I watched her bury Avery Shepard and become the Commander. It was subtle, and most people wouldn't see the change if they didn't know what they were looking for. Her back and shoulders straightened, her expression sobered, even her walk changed. I glanced at the turian and it seemed he'd taken a page from Shepard's book. He was no longer relaxed and joking, but he walked behind her seemingly far more alert than he'd been previously. He took up a post just inside the door. Startled, I finally noticed the scars running over his facial carapace and the bandage still over the right side of his head. What the hell had happened to him?

Anderson greeted us warmly, "Shepard! I'm glad to see you, no matter the hour, but what's wrong that it couldn't wait until morning?" The older man was dressed as professionally as if he'd had his full eight hours, but his eyes looked even more tired and puffy than usual.

Shepard smiled at Anderson, Avery peaking through the Commander façade. Udina, however, was also there. I saw Shepard's smile she'd given to Anderson falter and become wooden and fake. "This is ridiculous, Shepard! You have no right to request the Councilor meet you in the middle of the night!" Udina was also dressed as carefully as Anderson, but didn't look as exhausted.

The Spectre's pretty face twisted in anger, "Udina, shut up! The grown ups are talking." I caught myself before I laughed and turned it into a cough.


	6. Chapter 6

_She said_

I heard Kaidan cough behind me and I wondered if he'd done the old trick of disguising a laugh. Anderson's tired eyes were definitely twinkling in amusement. Udina, of course, sputtered. "I am still an ambassador, Shepard! You would -!"

"Enough, Donnell!" Anderson snapped, raising his hand. "I would like to hear what Shepard has to say so I can go back to sleep." He glared Udina into submission and turned back to me, "Shepard?"

"We have a problem. Cerberus hacked my ship and is autopiloting her away," I told Anderson.

He frowned, "How is that even possible?" I understood his doubt. Ships aren't usually able to be removed from dock on autopilot, much less navigate a Mass Relay. Autopilots were usually only used for short stretches of time to give the living, breathing pilot a short break on straight-line runs.

I glanced at the balding diplomat, wondering how much I could say in his presence. Kaidan would keep his mouth shut if Anderson ordered him to, but who could say what Udina would and would not do? "I'd prefer not to say in front of the ambassador," I told my former commanding officer. I smiled humorlessly at the fuming human representative, "Plausible deniability, you understand."

Councilor Anderson could tell where my thoughts were going, "All right. Udina, I'll fill you in with what you need to know later. Go home. At least one of us should be rested for the morning."

Udina glared at me and walked out of the office, mumbling about political shitstorms and incompetent Spectres. Amused, I caught Garrus' eye and we grinned in our mutual dislike of the slimy diplomat.

The turian peeled himself off the wall and walked closer to stand behind me. Pitching his voice low, he muttered, "Suddenly the room smells better."

I grinned and bringing my eyes back to Anderson, I caught an angry look crossing Kaidan's face before he quickly schooled it back to the blank neutrality he'd worn most of the night. My grin slipped and I merely looked at Anderson, "Cerberus installed an AI."

A sharp intake of breath from Kaidan and Anderson frowned and rubbed his own forehead. "Before you start yelling at me, let me explain. She'd been shackled, previously, with massive limitations on her abilities. But when my whole crew was abducted, we were forced to unshackle her to adequately defend against the Collectors. And after her performance on the other side of the Omega 4 Relay, I let her remain unshackled." I held up a hand to stop their comments when I paused.

"She's become as much a part of my crew as any other sapient being on board. I trust her. Still do, as a matter of fact."

"How do you know it didn't just go back to Cerberus?" Kaidan asked. His handsome face was scowling at me. I took note of his use of the gender neutral pronoun.

"Because they'll enslave her again," I told him. "It was in her best interests to stay with us, with me, where I could protect her. Look, when we first got on board, Joker and I were suspicious of her, too. We went snooping around in her programming and found something labeled 'Gamma Omicron.' When we asked her about it, all her interfaces turned red in warning and she started spouting off about clearance. When we checked the programs after unshackling her, the 'Gamma Omicron' files were gone. Even Tali'Zorah agreed that would have to have been the shackling protocols." I didn't mention Legion's investigation. I doubt they'd take the word of a geth as assurance an AI wasn't a danger. "EDI, that's the AI's designation and name, couldn't locate them anymore. I'm fairly certain, now, that they were there to recall EDI and the  _Normandy_ , should I go rogue from Cerberus. I'm grateful that's all they did, though. They could have done so much worse. Like put kill switches in the crews' brains or remote controlled cyanide capsules in their teeth or something else equally dramatic."

Anderson raised an eyebrow, "Are you sure they didn't do that, too?"

"Doctor Chakwas checked them all out when we got to the Citadel. She called in a few favors to use facilities that Cerberus couldn't possibly have monkeyed with in order to do it, too. She cleared them all," I informed them.

Kaidan cleared his throat, "You mentioned a geth, earlier?"

I glanced at Garrus who shrugged, "You're very helpful," I told him.

He just looked at me, "You brought the wrong XO for a meeting, Shepard."

I sighed and rubbed the back of my neck. "While hunting the Collectors, we picked up several odd allies," Garrus snorted, I glared at him, then continued. "Apparently, the geth had a religious schism."

Anderson held up a hand, "Wait. An artificial intelligence had a Reformation?"

I laughed, "More like a jihad." Kaidan's eyebrows rose. I continued, "When Sovereign corrupted the geth, he corrupted only a few, not the whole. Those geth formed a consensus that the Reapers were their gods. The others didn't share the philosophy. The true geth objected to the Reapers' influence because it interfered with their concept of self-determinism. The true geth want nothing more than to be left alone to figure out their own future. The ones we've been fighting all this time don't. They think that the Reapers are their future and want to be guided. The true geth are isolationist. What they call the 'heretics,' are the expansionists, the faction we've been fighting. In acquiring the means to get through the Omega 4 Relay we came upon one of the true geth."

The crackle of my com interrupted me. I paused and brought my hand to my ear, "Shepard. Talk to me."

Tali's voice came over the unit, "We've got Legion, Shepard. Its's all right, but it refuses to speak."

"All right, tell him to go dark. The three of you bring him to Anderson's office," I told her. They weren't going to believe me that the geth meant no harm until they saw it for themselves. I felt a hum in my teeth and behind my jaw. I didn't look over at Kaidan despite feeling the static charge of his Barrier activating. How very trusting of him.

"You want us to do what?" Tali sounded incredulous.

"You heard me, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy. Bring him here, fast. Shepard, out." I looked back at Anderson to find that Kaidan had pushed him backward away from me and was glowing with the dark blue energy of his Barrier and had a pistol in his hand its barrel pointed steadily at me, his whiskey dark eyes cold.

Garrus' rifle cleared its holster and he shoved me behind him faster than I'd ever seen him move before.


	7. Chapter 7

_She Said_

"Garrus, what the hell are you doing?" I demanded.

"He drew first, Shepard. I'm not going to let him shoot you!" Garrus snapped, glaring at Kaidan.

Anderson stepped out from behind Kaidan and I nodded and stepped out from behind Garrus. "Stand down, both of you!" Anderson ordered in his well-trained parade-ground voice.

"I will if he does.  _Sir_ ," Kaidan responded, his pistol still aiming at Garrus.

I rolled my eyes and walked around to stand in front of Garrus, putting myself directly in both lines of fire, and put my hand on his rifle, gently pushing its muzzle down. He looked away from Kaidan to stare down at me. For a long moment, I watched him process the situation. He straightened up and slung his rifle back over his shoulder. I dropped my hand and the turian crossed his arms and leaned back on one leg, gazing a challenge at Kaidan. I turned and found the pistol pointed at me, now.

"You're beginning to make me a little nervous, Commander," I told him, eyeing the muzzle of the gun.

"And here I was hoping to make you  _very_  nervous," he retorted, holstering his pistol.

"All you have to do is breathe in my vicinity for  _that_ , Alenko," I muttered under my breath. He looked at me, startled. He heard me? Dammit. But no matter the attraction, he had trust issues. With himself, and apparently, with me.

"Shepard, a geth?"

Something beeped and I glanced back at Garrus. He'd activated his Omni-Tool and typed a command into it. "They're here, Shepard."

I looked back at Anderson, "The only way I can make you two believe he's friendly is to introduce him to you." I glanced at Garrus and in that short hand we seemed to have developed from going through hell together so often, he nodded and went to stand where he'd have a clear line of fire. I trusted Legion, but I'm not stupid.

A quarian, a krogan and an asari walked through the door. I'd giggle at the setup for a bad joke, but Grunt was carrying a folded-up, inactive Legion and straining under the AI's weight. The red and white stripe of my old shoulder piece welded to it in a hurried patch job still gave me the creeps, but since Legion couldn't tell me what prompted him to use it, I tried not to worry about it.

"Did you have a lot of trouble?" I asked.

Tali shook her head, "No, it managed to launch itself away from the  _Normandy_  and toward the dock. It hid until we got there."

I nodded, and knelt next to my oddest crewmember. I hoped he'd programmed himself to turn on at the sound of my voice. "Wake up, Legion."

Lights in the conduits of the metal body flickered on and Legion slowly began to unfold himself. "Shepard-Commander?"

I stood up, "Status, Legion?"

"Shepard-Commander. We attempted to comply with the order to preserve the one named EDI. We were unable to completely download EDI." I wanted to swear, but I held my tongue and only clenched my fists in desperation. We needed her whole to take the ship back when we got to the  _Normandy_. God knows what Cerberus would do to her when they got her, what programs they'd put in to endanger her, us, and my ship.

"Did you get any of her?"

Legion's head flaps moved up, then down and he cocked his head. I'm not entirely sure about everything he said, his explanation deteriorated into a technobabble I couldn't follow. I looked at Tali, and from the set of her shoulders, she was amused. When Legion wound down, I asked, "Translation?"

But before Tali could answer, I heard Kaidan's voice, "He basically got just her personality and some of her memory files, Shepard. He's integrated her into his systems, somehow."

I looked behind me and saw Kaidan standing close, but not too close. I couldn't tell if he was wary of me or the geth. I looked back at Tali, "Would that be enough to restore her?"

"It should be, Shepard. I doubt Cerberus will alter its functionality files. And EDI itself is loyal to you. That should be enough." The quarian replied.

I looked at Legion, "Can you function while carrying her?"

"No, we cannot. EDI's runtimes slow our own reactions. We would be useless in a crisis," Legion stated, his head plates somehow giving me an impression of sadness.

"Would she 'fit' in mine or Tali's Omni-Tool?" I asked, activating mine.

Legion seemed to consider this question for a while. "You do not use your Omni-Tool very much, Shepard-Commander. Yet it has the same capacity as Creator Tali'Zorah's. We would suggest allowing EDI to be downloaded into your Omni-Tool."

"How long will it take?"

Legion rattled off some astronomical number and added the word "seconds," after it. Tali laughed at my expression, "About a quarter hour, Shepard."

I glanced at Anderson, "Can we stay here that long?"

Anderson walked closer to Legion, his hands clasped behind his back, the way you do when you don't want to accidentally touch something. "I think you will be able to be here that long." Legion followed Anderon with his flashlight head, his flaps standing up inquisitively. "Why does he have a piece of N-7 armor welded to him?"

"He doesn't know. I think it was an impulse to do it, one he's not sure of. It was mine. He found it on Alchera."

Anderson looked at me, startled, "He welded your armor to himself?"

"Yeah, he's not sure why. He said 'insufficient data,' when I asked him," I held out my 'Tool for the geth platform. "Go ahead and start it up, Legion."

"Commencing, Shepard-Commander."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know saving EDI's a hand-wave. Just go with it.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan totally needs his own ship.

_He said_

I stepped closer, my eyes narrowed as I examined the geth. "I can't believe you let one of these on board the  _Normandy_ , Shepard." It seemed to have a hole in its chest cavity and I wondered how it would even function.

Shepard shrugged, "He introduced himself by sniping husks off my ass. He then proceeded, at great risk to himself, to take on a dangerous part of our mission against the Collectors. The Reapers are as much a threat to the true geth as they are to us."

She turned away from me to look at Anderson again, "I was going to deliver the data we'd recovered in the morning, but the bulk of it is in EDI's databanks aboard the  _Normandy_. Which Cerberus just stole. And you wouldn't take anything Legion recorded as truth. All I have is what my individual teammates were able to record with their own Omni-Tools."

"Battlemaster," the young-looking krogan behind Shepard interjected, "This is a waste of our time. They're not going to listen to us. The longer we stand here, the further away our ship gets!" Shepard nodded at the krogan, but motioned for him to calm down. The young alien subsided, but not without grumbling.

The asari matriarch raised her chin to look down her nose at the human Councilor, "I can give my oath as a Justicar, but I doubt it means anything to any human other than Shepard."

Anderson ducked his head in acknowledgement of her point, "I'm afraid I'm not familiar with Justicars."

I could tell Shepard was trying to think of a suitable cultural reference for us, "Think Knights of the Round Table, sir. She's kind of like a blue Galahad."

I could tell our old CO was trying not to laugh at the mental picture she'd just given him. While the image of the Justicar dressed up like some Romantic Medieval knight in full plate mail on a charging horse with lance outstretched was amusing, it wasn't reassuring. Councilor Anderson got his sense of the absurd under control with a short battle. "What is on the ship that we wouldn't want to fall into Cerberus hands?"

"The Thannix Canon, for one."

Anderson looked just as astonished as I was. "How the hell did you get the specs to build that, Shepard? The turians are guarding that tighter than Fort Knox!" My voice was harsh with surprise and doubt, more than I intended it to be.

Vakarian came out from wherever he'd been lurking. I hadn't been sure why Shepard had sent him away until I saw him leaving cover and returning the sniper rifle to the sling on his back. She didn't trust her allies, either? Or had she grown that paranoid in two years?

"I pulled a few strings," the turian supplied. "Figured we needed something with a bigger punch than the Javelin disruptor torpedoes and GARDIAN lasers the  _Normandy_  was originally given."

"There's also the Silaris heavy ship armor," Shepard continued. While not a heavily classified as the Canon, which was so secret only rumors existed, the Silaris armor was hardly available at your local ship depot.

Anderson's eyes widened, "You're right." He clasped his hands behind his back, "This just makes what I'm about to tell you that much harder, Shepard." He focused steadily on Shepard until she appeared uncomfortable with his scrutiny. "We won't be able to reinstate you at this time. Especially now that you have to go after your ship. But you are still a Spectre."

"Councilor, with all due respect," Shepard began. I frowned at the memory of Ashley Williams that phrase always elicited from me. Shepard looked startled as the words left her full lips, was she remembering Ashley, too? I remembered Virmire as clearly as if it had happened yesterday. I didn't hear the rest of her protests because the memory of Virmire swallowed me whole.

 _Sand, everywhere. Geth surrounding us, gunfire, explosions. We have to arm the nuke, there's no time! Frantic hands on digital interface, typing in codes and flubbing them. Had to restart the sequence twice. Glance up, geth approaching,_ Throw! _Nuke almost armed. Searing pain in my side, I'm shot! Commander's coming, wait, why is she coming, she needs to get Ashley and get out of here! Geth at 3:00,_ Warp! _Why is she coming for me? Leg is on fire, can't move it. Shields gone, barrier depleted. Shepard, here? Why is Shepard here, save Ashley! Turn and see Saren fire at her, I can't fire back, gun jammed, something's wrong with my leg, my side. Head hurts, multicolored halo around Shepard, sign of a migraine joining the pain in my side and leg. See Saren grab Shepard by her neck, struggle to stand, to defend her, lightening behind my eyes. But I have no weapons, head throbs in time to my pounding heart. She punches Saren, hard, turian bastard drops her on her ass, she gets up to fight more, but he flees. Shepard's face above me, why did she come for me? Too beautiful, halo is bright._

I lost consciousness about then, Vakarian told me later she'd carried me into the ship, unwilling to let anyone else do it despite the fact that both he and Wrex had been there and were stronger. I'd come to, alone in the Medbay with her, almost a reverse of the aftermath of Eden Prime.

_It was always cold in Medbay. I was glad it was also dimly lit. I could feel the hangover from the migraine still lurking in the back of my head. My clothes were missing, bandages swathed my chest, stomach and my left thigh. I sat up, carefully, my ribs and abdominal muscles protesting the movement. She was standing there, concern in her blue eyes, eyes like the Pacific Ocean, eyes I wanted to drown in. Instead, I put my foot in my mouth, "I . . .I can't believe Ash didn't make it. How could we just leave her down there?"_

_She came to sit by me on the cot, her hip and thigh touching mine. I was suddenly very aware of her, her scent, her presence, "Ash knew the risks going in, she gave her life to save the rest of us."_

_I struggled with the knowledge of what had happened, while half of my brain was trying to figure out the perfume she wore. Oranges? Roses? "But why me? Why not her?"_

_She turned her head to look at me, so close I could feel every breath she took. "It wasn't your call, Alenko. I had to choose. I chose you." Her voice was gentle with the harsh truth._

_No excuses, none. I failed. "But if I'd done my job, you wouldn't have had to make that call."_

_Her hand, cool and slender on my face, those blue eyes looking up at me, "It wasn't your fault. It wasn't my fault. The only one to blame here is Saren."_

_I kept my eyes on hers, but turned my head slightly to kiss her palm. Against that soft skin I said, "Yes, ma'am, I – we'll get it done." She sighed, I almost didn't hear it. She rested her head on my shoulder, her hand still pressed to my face. I felt a single drop of moisture on my shoulder. Before I could do anything else, she'd turned in to me, her face buried in my neck. She leaned on one arm and slid the one that had cradled my face up and over my shoulder. I didn't feel any further tears, but she was shaking. I tried not to think about the fact that I was wearing only my underwear and a beautiful woman was crying on my shoulder. I focused on the fact that this was Shepard and she didn't do this sort of thing lightly._

I came back to the present with Shepard and Anderson looking at me expectantly. "I'm sorry, what?"

Shepard laughed, "Nevermind. I'll see you later, Commander. Councilor," she nodded a good bye to Anderson. She and her people left. It was odd not to think of myself as one of her people, but since she'd joined a terrorist outfit, I couldn't join her.

I turned back to Anderson. "I apologize for not paying attention, sir. What was it you said?"

"I didn't say anything. Shepard asked who was in command of the ship I'm sending her out on to search for the  _Normandy_. I told her it had a commanding officer assigned, but he hadn't accepted yet." The man's eyes were positively twinkling with glee. "Admiral Hackett wanted to be the one to tell you, but I'm glad to beat him to this particular piece of good news. Staff Commander Alenko, you will report to the newly commissioned frigate  _SSV Concord_  at 0800 as her commanding officer."


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

_He Said_

Usually, there was some notice to this sort of thing. But, as Anderson explained to me, they had a ship with no CO, a Spectre and her team needing a ride and a spare Staff Commander standing around the Citadel. In the Alliance, things rarely work out that smoothly.

I arrived at the dock at 0745 just so I could get a good look at my ship. I wondered if Shepard felt this way about the  _Normandy_  the first time she saw her. The  _Concord_ was a  _Normandy_ -class ship, which meant she incorporated the same turian design features as the  _Normandy_  did. Although from what I'd gathered, the  _SR-2_  was even more advanced than the  _Concord_. It didn't matter, the  _Concord_  was mine.

I didn't need to look, but movement out of the corner of my eye drew my attention and I glanced over to see Shepard in full armor and fully armed standing next to me, her hands clasped behind her back. Most biotics had a frequency, a subsonic hum to them that identified them to other biotics. I would recognize Shepard's biotic frequency anywhere. "She's a beautiful ship, Commander," Shepard told me, her eyes fixed on the hull. Her dark brown hair looked like she'd already been running her fingers through it in frustration, despite the early hour. I glanced behind her at her team of misfits. The bald woman was arguing, loudly, with the icy brunette. Jacob seemed to be trying to separate them. That explained her frustration. The rest, however, were working on stowing their gear into the smallest possible containers so they'd fit in the  _Concord_ 's hold under Vakarian's direction. The turian seemed to almost be a different person than the man I'd worked with over two years ago as part of Shepard's squad.

"Yes, she is, Commander." I kept my tone as polite as hers had been. I turned to her, "How long before your team is ready to board?"

She looked at me for the first time in our short conversation, "How long do you need to get settled before we invade?"

I ran over the checklist of things I needed to do immediately, "Give me an hour." She nodded and returned to her team. The minute she approached, the argument between the two women subsided and Jacob saluted her. Vakarian nodded in her direction, but continued to try to impose order on the chaos of logistics management. Intel listed Miranda Lawson, the cold looking, statuesque brunette as Shepard's XO, but I think they dropped that particular ball. Shepard, as always, made her own rules and it seems that the turian was the second in command of the first human Spectre's team. I didn't know whether to be jealous or amused.

I stood in the airlock to my ship, my new XO stood at attention, his hand up in a text-book perfect salute. "Permission to come aboard?" I asked, returning the younger man's salute. The formalities of the transfer of command had always felt silly to me, but now that I was the one in command, I could appreciate the necessity for the marking of the transfer of responsibility for these people's lives.

Staff Lieutenant Hans Harrington, still at attention, responded, "Permission granted." My new lieutenant barely looked old enough to shave, and for one brief second, he reminded me painfully of Private Richard Jenkins. "May I escort you to the bridge, sir?"

I tugged on the collar of my Alliance class "As" and replied, "Thank you, Lieutenant." The formalities continued as he walked me to the small dias in front of the galaxy map. I remembered Shepard's taking over command of the  _Normandy_ was a much less formal event. She had, after all, been the XO and there was no time for niceties with a megalomaniacal turian running around, hell-bent on destroying the galaxy. I'm fairly certain Shepard would have ignored them anyway. Every eye on the CIC deck followed our progress as each crewmember stood up from their stations and saluted. Stepping up on to the dias, I drew out my datapad and recited the orders turning the  _Concord_ over to my command. "From Admiral Steven Hackett, Fifth Fleet, Alliance Navy to Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko Alliance Navy. Sir: You are hereby directed and required to proceed aboard the  _SSV Concord_ , there to take upon yourself the duties and responsibilities of commanding officer in the service of the Alliance. Fail this charge at your peril. By order of Admiral Steven Hackett, Fifth Fleet, Alliance Navy." I turned to Lieutenant Harrington, "Lieutenant Harrington, I assume command."

"Commander," my XO replied formally, "You have command."

I stepped down off the dias, and turned to my XO, "We're about to be transporting a Council Spectre and her team. See what we have that can accommodate a drell, a krogan, a salarian, an asari, a turian, four human biotics and two normal humans. You have forty-five minutes." The lieutenant's eyes widened at each species I rattled off.

But to his credit, he didn't hesitate, "I'll see what I can do, Commander."

"Dismissed, Lieutenant." I rubbed my forehead, thinking of the next dozen things I had to do in the forty-five minutes before Shepard brought her team on board.

I looked up to find an ensign staring at me, "What is it, Ensign Wheaton?"

The young woman blinked, startled. "Sir, a turian, sir? Is that wise?"

She actually managed to surprise me with her question, "Are you questioning my decisions, Ensign?" I resisted the urge to defend Vakarian to this little racist. Two years since I'd fought with him at Shepard's back and I realized I still counted him as a friend, no matter what seemed to be between him and the woman I once, all right,  _still_ , loved.

The young woman's eyes widened and she swallowed in fear, "Uh, no, sir. I just meant – Nevermind."

I had a brief moment of appreciation for the xenophobia Shepard had had to deal with on the original  _Normandy._  I took a page from her book and decided not to make an issue out of it, counting on proximity to the aliens to do my convincing for me. I made a mental note to have Lieutenant Harrington assign her as Shepard's liaison for the voyage. "Keep your opinions to yourself, Ensign."

"Sir, yes, sir." Irritated, I just looked at her until she hunched her shoulders, turned in her seat and went back to working on her console.

The forty-five minutes before Shepard and her team were due on board went quickly with all I had to do, I probably should have had her give me more time. As it was, I only had a brief moment to formally welcome her onboard. She, Vakarian and Tali stood in decontamination, awaiting my greeting.

"Lieutenant Commander Avery Shepard, Special Tactics and Reconnaissance, Gunnery Officer Garrus Vakarian, Chief Engineer Tali'Zorah vas Normandy. Permission to come aboard?" Every syllable perfectly correct in its dispassion.

"Permission granted, Commander Shepard, Officer Vakarian and Engineer Tali'Zorah. Welcome aboard the  _SSV Concord_.


	10. Chapter 10

_She Said_

I'm sure Kaidan did his best, but cramming us aboard the  _Concord_  was a bit awkward. My ragtag bunch of hardened experts was utterly unimpressed with Kaidan's wet-behind-the-ears crew. And I couldn't blame them. I made a mental note to remind Kaidan the recovery of the  _Normandy_  was ours to deal with. No use in sending his group of babies to the slaughter-house.

For lack of anywhere else to congregate, we gathered in the hold with our gear. I kept my Omni-Tool open so that EDI could participate in our discussions, but I doubted there was enough memory left in my 'Tool for her to record anything. I paused as the door opened and just looked at my team. Jack lounged on top of the highest pile of crates she could find. Joker sat on another overturned crate, looking at something on his Omni-Tool. Grunt crouched, using yet another crate as a makeshift table to strip down and clean his shotgun. Thane and Samara had retreated to opposite sides of the hold and both seemed to be deep in meditation. Doctor Chakwas seemed to have gotten Tali and Garrus to play a game of cards with her. _Texas Hold'em_ , if I recognized the pattern of the dealer's layout correctly. Miranda and Jacob were merely sitting quietly, her head leaning on his shoulder. Legion was simply standing still, presumably attempting to conserve energy.

"All right, listen up, people!" Everyone stood up from where they were and Jack leaped down from her stack of crates. "We're headed to Illium. Liara T'Soni has been apprised of our situation and has been hunting for clues as to the whereabouts of our ship. Due to the lack of consensus between our Cerberus experts, we are going to need her help." Of course, the "Cerberus experts" began to protest, and I held up my hand. "I'm quite aware that looking for the  _Normandy_  is rather like a needle in a galactic haystack. You've all at least narrowed down where she couldn't be."

Garrus leaned on a stack of crates and asked, "So, how much assistance can we count on the Alliance for, anyway, Shepard?"

"Hopefully, all we'll need to ask of them is a ride. I fully intend to keep this rather green crew out of our troubles."

"Does that include Kaidan?" Tali asked, the grin evident in her voice.

I pinched the bridge of my nose. She would bring that up. "This is Spectre business, so yes. Staff Commander Alenko is on a need to know basis." I caught Garrus and Tali's amused glances at each other. "Don't even start, you two."

Garrus flared his mandibles at me in a grin, "So, we just hang out here for two days?"

I nodded at him, "You're not on vacation, though, Vakarian. I need an accounting of what we have and what we need to retake the  _Normandy_. And straighten up our junk. Let's not leave the  _Concord's_  hold looking like someplace Grunt spent the night while drunk on ryncol."

EDI's voice spoke from my wrist, "Is there anything you need from me, Commander?" If I were the AI, I'd probably be feeling rather useless, too.

"Joker, come here." The pilot complied with my order and I took off my Omni-Tool and fastened it to his bare wrist. "EDI can help you all with the cataloguing. I'll be back down in a little while to help, too." I felt naked without the 'Tool on my wrist, but EDI needed to feel like part of the crew, too. I wondered when I'd started to take an AI's feelings to account in my actions. But I guess, between her and Legion, I had to.

I headed for the elevator to the CIC, knowing I should probably track down Kaidan and discuss my team's rearrangement of his cargo hold. On the way there, I ran into an Ensign who literally squeaked and jumped back, her brown eyes staring up at me. "C-c-commander? Shepard?" She jerked into an awkward salute, visibly trembling.

"What is it Ensign…?"

"Wheaton, ma'am. Ensign Wheaton? I'm to be your liaison for… for the crew?" I crossed my arms and leaned back on one leg, trying to keep the doubt I felt from my face. What was Kaidan playing at now? My question was answered when she spoke again, "Are there really aliens on your team?" The way she said aliens made me think she'd have been more at home in Cerberus, and I wasn't thinking of my current crew.

"Yes, there are. Is there a problem, Ensign?"

"Uh, no ma'am," her voice broke on the words.

"They're in the cargo hold; they could probably use your help," I thought of who would be the best alien for her to report to. Grunt was out, the teenaged krogan was rather clueless himself. The drell was too human-looking to teach the girl what she needed to learn. That left Mordin, who didn't have the patience, and whom I didn't want distracted, or Tali and Garrus. Garrus it was, Tali would be too nice. "Go talk to Garrus Vakarian, Ensign. He'll tell you what we need. Dismissed."

"Ma'am, yes, ma'am." The girl squeaked.

I needed to have a talk with Kaidan, the sooner the better. My team wasn't here to disabuse his crew of their prejudices. Annoyed, I took the elevator up to the CIC to track down my former lieutenant. I climbed the steps to the CIC and entered. Turning to find Kaidan, I saw him standing on the dias over the galaxy map, frowning in concentration. I froze and found myself thinking of him as the attractive man he was, not the commanding officer of the ship on which I was currently relying for transportation.

The soft light of the galaxy map highlighted his chiseled cheekbones and that spare amount of stubble he could never seem to shave closely enough to get rid of. His class "As" conformed to his well-muscled body like a second skin. He felt my eyes on him and he turned to look at me, one perfect eyebrow quirked in inquiry. I jerked my head toward the comm. room and started walking that way, trying to get my pulse and breathing under control. Sometimes, the night before Ilos seemed to have been only yesterday, other times, it was more than a lifetime ago. Right now, I was remembering it like it had just happened; I could almost feel his hands on me.

The door swished closed behind him and he stood on the sloping steps, his hands clasped behind his back, "How can I help you, Shepard?"

I swallowed down what I was feeling. "First, thank you for the liaison," I smirked. "I sic'ed Vakarian on her. He's gotten good at dealing with prejudices while we were forced to deal with Cerberus."

Kaidan nodded, "I figured as much. It's a good crew, just a bit green."

"I noticed." He stepped closer to me, his hands still clasped behind his back. I couldn't pull my eyes away from his whiskey-brown ones. "Second, is there anything you need us to do while we're in transit to Illium?"

His eyes still locked with mine, he shook his head. "Not unless you want to allow your team to introduce themselves above decks and get my crew used to non-humans and biotics."

He was so close I could feel his biotics humming along the back of my jaw and the bones of my ears. It was entirely too familiar and I'd missed it too much. I wanted so much to just lean into him and let that electric tingle just wash over me. I wanted my armor off and I wanted his lips against mine and I wanted the last two years and Horizon and that bloody damned email to disappear from between us. He closed the distance. "Shepard." His mouth hovered over my lips, I could feel his breath. There were no regs to stop us, this time. I wasn't even Alliance anymore.

"Kaidan," I replied before his mouth closed over mine.


	11. Chapter 11

_She Said_

I'd missed him so much. The feel of him, the smell of him. The thrum of his biotics joining with mine. He pulled me tighter against him, one of his hands sliding up into my hair, the other at the small of my back. He broke the kiss long enough to tell me, "I really hate body armor." I nodded and pulled his mouth back to me, his tongue shoving past my teeth to entwine with mine.

"I'll take that under advisement in our next meeting, Commander," I replied, yanking off my gloves and dropping them to tangle my fingers in his hair.

He froze, then pulled his mouth away from mine. "Meeting… oh, hell." He leaned his forehead against mine, "We can't… do this, Shepard."

"Can't do what, Alenko?" I ran my fingers over his lips and felt him tremble eagerly against me. He growled low in his throat and jerked himself away from me.

"I can't pretend the last two years haven't happened, Shepard!" He was trembling and not in lust. He was angry. The angriest I'd seen him since Horizon.

"Who's pretending?" I demanded.

"We can't just pick up right where we left off! It's not that easy!"

"Yes, it is, Kaidan," I told him, stepping closer to him. "Dying only made me that much more certain of what I want in life. And I want you." I grabbed the shirt of his uniform and yanked him back to me, closing my mouth over his. He crushed me to him, the strength in his arms surprising. He forced my mouth open and our kiss was no longer the gentle thing it had been, but hungry and needy, violent and greedy. His fingers found the clasps of my armor and the pieces fell off me, his hands hot on my back through the body stocking I wore underneath.

Kicking the armor out of the way, he spun me around and lifted me up onto the railing that ran around the room, shoving his body between my legs. I kissed him back, just as hard, my hands shoving his shirt up to get to the bare skin of his back, dark energy trailing along my fingertips to his bare skin. He shivered and pressed himself against me, and the railing put me at just the right height that I could feel how glad he was to be there. His fingers went to the zipper of my body suit at the back of my neck and I made an encouraging moan against his mouth, wanting his hands on me. It was my turn to tremble. Locking my legs around him, I held on to him, desperate to keep him close. His hands found the skin of my bare back, the zipper completely open and it was my turn to shiver at the dark energy coursing through his fingertips, playing against my bare skin with electric shocks. He knotted his fingers in my hair and pulled his mouth away from mine to trail hot kisses down my neck and across one bared shoulder. All the while he was muttering, "Never leave, you can't leave me again," over and over.

I pressed my lips to his neck and felt him tremble against me, "I never left you, Kaidan. Never. I died."

The second mention of my death made him freeze in place, and he pulled back, his face closed down. The biotic flares subsided and he seemed to fall in on himself, closing me off.

"And how can I trust you again, Shepard? Considering who your allies have been these last two years."

I just looked at him and unwrapped myself from his body, a lump of lead where my heart used to be, "I'll be sure to inform the liaison you've assigned us if we need anything, Commander. I wouldn't want to take up more of your valuable time." I zipped myself back up and got my armor back on in record time. I ran my fingers through my hair to make sure it was at least all laying flat against my skull.

I walked out of the comm. room ignoring his, "Shepard, wait!"

He caught up to me in the elevator. I crossed my arms over my chest and stared straight ahead. He hit the stop button. "You need to get over this thing where you don't believe that I died, Kaidan," I told him, using his given name for only the second time since I came aboard.

He stared at me for a few moments, I must have completely derailed his train of thought, "Then what am I supposed to believe, Shepard?"

I depressed the stop button and felt the elevator lurch into motion again, "Don't touch me or talk to me about anything other than the job again until you've spoken with Doctor Chakwas or Miranda Lawson, hell, Jacob Taylor could give you a first hand account." I turned my head to look directly at him, "Better yet, wait till we get to Illium and ask Liara T'Soni about my death. That ought to be illuminating." The elevator doors opened and I stood and stared at the floor they opened on until just before they would have closed on me and stepped out quickly. I turned to watch the doors slide shut on his handsome, startled face.

I spun on my heel to find Tali directly behind me, her hands on her curvy hips, a datapad in one, "Shepard, are you all right?"

"Why are men such dicks?"

"I don't know, Shepard. If you find out, let me in on it, would you?"

I laughed, "So it's a cross-species mystery?"

"I'm afraid so," she replied, her voice dripping mock sadness.

"Did I interrupt you doing something, Tali?" I asked.

"They don't have a kitchen here, do they, Shepard?"

"Nope, I'm afraid it's just like the SR-1. Food processors all the way."

She made a rude noise, "I'm missing Gardner already, even if he didn't always wash his hands."

I thought fondly of my own bed, bathed in the light of my empty fish tank and my poor hamster. The insanely hard couch and having Tali and Garrus, Joker and Chakwas up to visit and watch old vids. On Tali's suggestion, we'd each brought the worst movie we loved dearly. I'd gotten exposed to some truly awful turian and quarian cinema that night. I'd resented the hell out of it at first after waking, yet another Cerberus collar around my neck, but had become home. "I just miss our ship."

"I do, too. Oh, I almost forgot, Shepard. Joker wanted to see you."

"What about?"

"I don't know, he wouldn't tell me."

"Typical. All right, I'll track the weasel down," I sighed. She laughed.

I found Joker at the back of the hold. He'd wedged himself against the wall, stretched out with his arms crossed and his cap pulled over his eyes. I gently tapped his booted foot. He cocked his head, peering out at me from under his cap, "Shepard. You're lucky my legs don't break at the drop of a hat any more."

"Yeah, I know, you're quite the tough guy, now. Shooting Collectors from the airlock with an assault rifle, jumping ships in escape pods… Tali said you were looking for me?"

He sat up straighter, "Look, Shepard, I'm sorry for not giving this to you before. In all the excitement over you getting to ride on Alenko's ship," he grinned at his own innuendo. Thinking of how right he would have been up in the comm. room a few minutes ago, I frowned at him, and he continued, unabashed, "I almost forgot to give something to you." He took off his hat, a sly grin on his bearded face. "Before I jumped ship, I rescued the little guy for you. His house and his food are around here somewhere, he just seemed lonely." He held out his hat to me and the tiny inquisitive nose of my space hamster peeked up over the edge of his cap. A very non-commanderly squeal escaped me as I scooped up my little furry pal and Joker blinked at me, startled.

"Nimitz! Joker, I could kiss you!"

"Uh, don't."


	12. Chapter 12

_He Said_

I watched her get off the elevator, making sure I couldn't follow her, her blue eyes swimming with unshed tears she wouldn't acknowledge. I scrubbed my face in frustration and hit the button for the deck with my quarters on it. I needed to be alone for a moment or the next crewman I came across would probably end up in a Warp field. Only Shepard could make me lose control this badly, this quickly. I could still smell her on me. I needed a cold shower. A very cold shower. Two cold showers, if I could get them.

Fortunately, I got to my quarters without anyone stopping me. First I needed to stop reliving the last few moments in the comm. room.  _The feel of her lithe body pressed against me, her long legs wrapped around me, her lips pressed against mine, her fingers dancing across the bare skin of my back._ I groaned and headed for my shower.

Standing under the icy water, I thought about what she said. Was it true? Was I ignoring the proof of her death? I know I didn't believe it. But was it because I didn't want to, or because I couldn't face that she had in fact been taken from me in the most permanent way? And it was only because of who she was that she was brought back. And brought back by terrorists to do the one thing the Alliance and the Council were helpless to do. Did I actually owe Cerberus something for bringing her back? Which would I rather believe, anyway? That she had died and was brought back and blackmailed into helping the colonists because Cerberus was the only one doing anything? Or that she'd decided to leave me to mourn her for two years after faking her own death? The Avery Shepard I knew, or thought I knew, wouldn't have done the second. So why was I having so much trouble believing the first?

Or the third, even worse, and more likely, situation: that Cerberus duped her into believing she had died and manufactured her resurrection as a lie, even to her.

I was going to have to talk to Doctor Chakwas. And try to believe anything that came out of Miranda Lawson's or Jacob Taylor's mouth. How was I going to talk to them without going through their CO? But, I had other things I needed to do before navigating the mine-field that was mine and Shepard's relationship. I wondered what the hell Liara had had to do with this whole situation. Guess I would find out on Illium.

I didn't have to wait until Illium to talk to at least one of her crewmembers. The next day's shift began and I ran into Jacob Taylor, one of Shepard's command team while we were both getting breakfast. Even if I wasn't friendly with him, it was a relief to have another biotic around with his tray heaped in food. I was, again, the only biotic in my crew; I was just their commanding officer this time.

The vanguard nodded as he sat down across from me in the mess. Without preamble, he said, "Look, Shepard said you were having trouble with her Cerberus associations."

Buttering a muffin, I frowned, "That's putting it mildly. Was she really dead, or did you people play her?" I took a bite.

Jacob swallowed the pancakes in his mouth, "Look, all I can tell you is," he set his fork down on his plate and folded his hands. His brown eyes looking at me steadily over our large breakfasts, "she was brought on board the Lazarus station as nothing more than meat and tubes. She was barely recognizable as human, much less a deceased one."

The muffin turned to ashes in my mouth and I sat down the uneaten half. "What happened to her?"

Jacob took another bite of pancakes, looking at me steadily as he chewed. I got the impression he wanted his next statement to make as much of an impact on me as it could. "Look, I was there on Horizon," he told me, setting his fork down again, "I saw what you did to her." He glanced away, then back again and leaned forward, "So, believe me when I tell you that I hope what I'm about to tell you hurts like hell.

"She suffocated. The seals were shattered around her breathers. She died gasping for air and then, her body hit atmo in nothing but her Onyx armor. That stuff's tough, but it ain't that tough." He stopped talking and leaned back in his seat. I think he was gauging my reaction. I realized I'd stopped breathing and the blood drained from my face as if in sympathy of what Shepard had gone through. I'd heard part of it from the escape pod, but I'd always thought she'd been picked up quickly by the terrorists.  "Uh-huhn, I figured that would hit you hard." He leaned forward again. "So you really do care about her."

I cleared my throat. "That's none of your business, Mister Taylor."

"Now, you see, that's where you're wrong, Commander." He took another bite of his pancakes, glaring at me. When he finished chewing, he said, "Anything that affects Shepard is our business."

I raised my eyebrows and swallowed my mouthful, "Our?"

Taylor took the last bite of his stack of pancakes and after chewing, he said, "Her command team, me, Miranda and Garrus."

I nearly choked on my orange juice, "Vakarian?" I knew she'd been treating him like an XO, but it never occurred to me that she relied on the turian and the two ex-Cerberus operatives to be squad leaders. I knew Tali was with her, why not the quarian?

Before I could ask, Taylor got up with his empty tray and left me to finish the rest of my meal alone with my thoughts. So, he, at least, believed she'd really died. And if his description was correct, she hadn't died well. I closed my eyes in sympathy to the agony the woman I loved must have gone through. God help me, I was beginning to believe.

Miranda Lawson arranged to bump into me at lunch. Was Shepard having her crew make sure my meals were filled with thoughts of her dying? But then, we were all biotics. Nothing much puts off our appetite and meals tended to be long simply because it took time to ingest as many calories as we needed. The cool brunette regarded me over her pile of grilled chicken and salad. I wondered at her low-calorie food choices until I saw the slab of cheese cake. I resigned myself to another unpleasant conversation over my blandly synthesized lunch, "What can I do for you, Ms. Lawson?"

Her unemotional Australian accented voice told me, "Jacob Taylor mentioned you were having trouble believing Shepard died?"

I swallowed the bite of chicken, "He did, did he?"

She paused with the fork with a small bit of chicken and salad speared on it halfway to her mouth, "Yes, he did. She was, you know." She said, taking her bite and chewing. When she finished, she said, "Dead. Completely. There was barely a body left."

"How did Cerberus get its hands on her then?"

Miranda's blue eyes widened and she quickly swallowed her food, "If you don't know the answer to that, I can't tell you. There aren't many who know and Shepard wants to keep it that way."

"Why? Who's she protecting?" I demanded.

"You, I think," she said, swallowing the last of her salad.

"From what?"

"I don't know," Miranda said, starting on her cheesecake. "But I can tell you the reconstruction was extensive and thorough. The Illusive Man wanted her to be just as she was the day she died, as close as we could get her. We improved a few things, of course, her physical strength and endurance, her biotic implant, but she's the same person who went up to the bridge that day to pull Joker out of his seat."

"How do you know?"

She pressed her fork down on some crumbs, she was nearly done with her dessert. I have no idea how that woman ate that fast without being sloppy. "Because I oversaw the entire process from start to finish. Her skeleton alone was a bloody jigsaw puzzle!" Her outburst showed the first real emotion I'd managed to see from the calm Sentinel as she stormed off, throwing her empty plates into the refresher. Yet again another of Shepard's crew left me sitting in astonishment at the mess table.

Doctor Chakwas, at least, didn't ambush me at a meal. She waited until I went to the sickbay for the beginnings of the migraine I felt after my shift ended. She was apparently visiting my own ship's doctor, Nathaniel Anderson.

The minute I entered, Dr. Anderson excused himself and left me with the calculating expression on Dr. Chakwas' kind face. "Miranda and Jacob sent me to give you the last piece of the puzzle, Kaidan."

I rubbed my forehead. All the information I'd had dumped on me about Shepard had begun to take its toll. I'd held off the migraine by shear will power by staying busy, but I was due for a collapse soon if I didn't get meds. Chakwas handed me the small plastic cup with the two oddly shaped blue pills that would spell relief for the growing pain behind my eyes. I started to tilt my head back to take them until she put her hand on my arm. I looked down at her and her expression was one of compassion. "I'd wait to take that until you read this." She handed me a datapad. "It's as condensed as I could make it, it's merely a copy of a report I sent to Councilor Anderson."

I took the datapad and looked at her, "Did she send you three to me, today?"

The grey-haired doctor smiled, "Of course not, Kaidan. I sent Miranda and Jacob to you because I heard about Horizon. Garrus wanted to rip out a bulkhead for what you said to her. And I know that having her on this ship again is hard on both of you. I also know that it's tough to wrap your mind around that she really was dead."

"I'm beginning to believe it," I said, glancing at the datapad. I looked back at Chakwas, a lump in my throat. "She suffered, didn't she?"

"Anoxia is not a good way to die, Kaidan," was her kindly voiced response. "The report isn't gentle. I wanted it to be as graphic as possible for Councilor Anderson. Wait on taking your meds, you'll need them afterward."

I'm not sure how I made it back to my quarters; I know they were just across from the sickbay, so it wasn't a long walk. I was grateful for the permanently dim lighting when I got there. I still had the little cup of pills but I was fixated on the first picture of the report, ignoring the pounding in my head. Fluorescent white light outlined everything in stark relief, leaving nothing in shadow. The date stamp on the lower left hand side gave the time of the pic as roughly two and a half years ago. It was an above shot of Shepard laying on the sterile surface of a steel operating table, the N7 logo on her armor still visible, though that was the only identifiable part of her. Her helmet had gone missing and one arm was uncovered, the armor having fallen off somewhere. Correction: what was left of one arm. Her face…. I made it to my bathroom before my stomach emptied itself on my floor.


	13. Chapter 13

_He Said_

The image of Shepard on that operating table and the break-up of the  _Normandy SR-1_  dominated my nightmares and any idle thought I let myself have for the next 48 hours. I wanted to talk to Shepard, but at every turn, at least one of her team was with her at all times. I was beginning to wonder if I'd have to surprise her in the head to get her alone. The bald biotic she called Jack was especially insulting. She'd stick next to Shepard and grin as she checked out my ass. Shepard didn't even notice.

I gave up after the first few attempts were foiled; I had a ship to run after all. My first ship. I should be more excited about it, but all I could think about was Shepard. The night before Ilos, her death, my stupidity on Horizon, that email. And most recently, the comm. room. But at every turn, there was always someone around to keep us at that professional distance. Hell, even Joker blocked me. But him, I could get alone. I ran into him in the elevator of all places. He saw me enter and his face fell and he shook his head. Without preamble, he said, "You gotta leave her alone, Alenko."

I faced forward, my hands clasped behind my back. I skewed my eyes in his direction, "This is me, leaving her alone. I have a ship to run."

The elevator opened, he stepped out, "Glad we had this talk." The smug bastard actually tipped his hat at me! The door closed in my face. I shook my head and continued down to engineering, reminding myself to remain professional; I couldn't run after fragile former Alliance flyboys and remind them what Marines were actually for. I stepped out of the elevator and nearly tripped over Tali'Zorah.

"Watch it,  _bosh'tet_ ," she snarled before turning around. "Oh! Commander, I thought you were someone else."

"I hope my crew hasn't been bothering you, Tali?" I'd never heard her swear before. At least, I thought that was a swear word.

She crossed her arms and looked at me, at least, I think she was. "No, though your Ensign Wheaton does ask an awful lot of questions."

"Mind if I ask you a question?" At her nod and shrug, I continued, "Vas Normandy? Doesn't that mean your ship name is now Shepard's ship?"

I could hear the smile in her voice when she replied, "You were paying attention when I used to lecture incessantly about my people."

I laughed, "I wouldn't say incessantly…. Do I need to talk to my Ensign?"

The quarian shook her head, "No, though we did figure out why you assigned her to us. Clever way of dispelling prejudices, I'll admit. Though Jacob's had to pull Jack off her a few times when she asked too many questions about her tattoos. I believe she learned her lesson."

"How are things settling in down there?" I asked, strangling the urge to ask the questions I really wanted the answers to.

If her face mask wasn't opaque, I'm pretty sure the quarian would be glaring at me, "You're very transparent for a human, you know, Alenko."

I cleared my throat and glanced away, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You want to ask about Shepard, don't you?" It wasn't a question.

"I want to make sure she and her team are properly accommodated aboard my ship, yes," I told her. I probably should have just tracked down Shepard's XO, but I did not want to talk to Vakarian at this point in time.

I could hear a smirk in her voice, "Commander, just leave her alone until you've talked to Liara."

I frowned, "What does Liara have to do with anything?"

Cryptically, she shrugged and said, "You'll see."

It was a long 48 hours to Illium. I stood on the bridge behind my pilot, missing Joker's piloting skills as we were finally on approach to Nos Astra. My pilot was capable enough, we docked smoothly, she just didn't have Joker's flair. I smelled Shepard's perfume and felt the familiar resonance of her biotics against my own nerve endings before I heard her quiet step on the deck plates next to me. I heard her laugh. "Should I congratulate her on doing her job well? Or is it the equivalent of zipping up your jumpsuit before you leave the john?"

I laughed, "They don't send Spectres on shakedown runs, do they."

Shepard glanced at me, her blue eyes twinkling, "It seems it's getting to be a habit for us, doesn't it?"

I smirked, "The more things change…," I shook my head, ruefully. "You have a very effective team, Commander."

She turned straight ahead, "You noticed that, did you? They mean well. Usually."

"Mr. Taylor, your armory officer, I believe? Is especially communicative." The image of Shepard's body on that operating slab invaded my memory. I forced it out by inhaling the scent of her perfume, focusing on the tingling her own biotics gave me and remembering the comm. room. This woman wasn't dead. Not now. "Miranda Lawson was also quite eloquent. I'm not sure of her position on your team, though?"

"She was my on-board XO. She was better at the paperwork. Can you just imagine Garrus filling out reports?"

"I think he'd rather shoot them. And Doctor Chakwas is quite the debater."

Out of the corner of my eye I saw her turn to look at me, "What are you talking about, Alenko?"

I blinked, "They convinced me I was wrong."

She glanced behind us, crossing her arms over her armored chest, "They weren't supposed to convince you of anything."

A metallic click and the bass rumble of Vakarian's voice told me what she'd turned to see, "What weren't we supposed to convince him of?"

Her eyes flicked in my direction, "You ready?" She asked the turian sniper.

"Of course. Illium's such a delightful planet. I love places that have no crime because everything's legal," Vakarian drawled.

"You haven't lost your talent for sarcasm, I see," I told him.

"Good morning, Commander Alenko," he told me. I blinked, turning to look at him. He regarded me with an impassively blank face, leaning against the bulkhead, his arms crossed. He turned to look at Shepard again, "Tali is on her way up."

Shepard grinned at Vakarian, "Reading my mind again, Garrus?"

I coughed a laugh into my hand as the turian deadpanned, "I try to stay out of there as much as possible, Shepard. It's a cesspool."

The bridge was suddenly very warm and my mouth was very dry as she looked at me steadily, the corner of her mouth playing with a small smile, "Yes, and it's been worse, lately." All I could do was look at her, nothing existed around us for a moment, not the bridge, not the turian, nothing.

"All right, Shepard, let's go see whether Liara's going to ignore Garrus and me again or not," The quarian walked up, checking a setting on her shotgun and interrupting Shepard's and my staring at each other.

I felt my face heat and I cleared my throat. I finally noticed they were all in armor and heavily armed, "Are you invading Liara's office?" I asked.

"No, but you know how things invariably go around Shepard," Vakarian replied. "Sooner or later, someone shoots at her."

Shepard looked me over, "I was going to invite you along, Alenko, but you're sorely underdressed." I was wearing my shipboard fatigues. This was underdressed?

"Well, if I'd known we were laying siege, I'd have brought my assault rifle," I told her.

She smiled at my joke and said, "Commander, I think you need to come with us."

"I have a ship to run, Commander."

Her eyebrows went up, "Do you want us to bring a known information broker aboard a still-classified warship?"

I frowned and crossed my arms, "Ok, first, when did Liara become an information broker?"

Vakarian glanced at Shepard, then back at me, "About a year or so, give or take."

I held up my hands in surrender, "All right, you've made your point." I walked out of the bridge down to the CIC. "Lieutenant Harrington, you have the deck."

"Aye, aye, sir," the Lieutenant's voice answered. "I have the deck."

I went to get suited up. Shepard had better have a good reason for this.


	14. Chapter 14

_She Said_

My team and I stepped out of the airlock and stood at the dock waiting for Kaidan. While I waited, I quietly commed Miranda, "Alenko's coming with us. Keep an eye on things would you? His lieutenant's rather green."

I could hear the smile in her voice, "I think Jacob has a few things to do in the CIC, Commander. I'll see if he's available."

"Good, just be quiet about it. I don't want to hear about a mutiny attempt when we get back," I told her, smiling. I turned as I said the words, "Shepard out," and froze, my hand falling slowly to my side. Kaidan stepped out of the airlock in his armor. And I thought he looked good in his class "As". It was the dark green armor he'd worn on Horizon but instead of bringing back the bad memories of our relationship-ending fight, all I could think of was that the lights on the chest and abdomen formed an arrow pointing to… I quickly brought my eyes back up to his face to see that half smile make an appearance again. Tali leaned over my shoulder, "Close your mouth, Shepard."

I closed my mouth. I heard Garrus chuckle quietly and I spun on my heel, tossing a glare at him as I passed. He held up his hands defensively, his face showing barely concealed amusement. I rolled my eyes at him and my merry little band and I trooped to Liara's office. Her new receptionist was a young, and very attractive, human male.

He also could have been Kaidan's younger brother.

I grinned, Tali outright giggled. "Noticed it, too, did you?" She nodded. I could tell by her rigid posture she was doing her best to not laugh harder.

Kaidan glanced at me, "What's so funny?" Garrus was looking from me to Tali, suspiciously.

"I'll have to tell you later." Controlling my mirth, I wrestled Commander Shepard into place and calmly stepped up to the receptionist's desk, "Commander Shepard to see Liara T'Soni."

The young man stood up and bowed slightly at me. I felt my eyebrows try to climb into my hairline. "Liara regrets to inform you, Commander Shepard, that she was unavoidably detained this afternoon. She hopes you and Commander Alenko, Engineer vas Normandy and Officer Vakarian can join her for dinner."

I glanced at Kaidan, who shrugged. "Where?"

The kid's 'Tool flared to life, "I'll send the directions to your 'Tool. The time is included."

Tali intercepted the kid's data, "I'll take that; Shepard will get us lost, even if she does have directions." I was glad she remembered my 'Tool was at capacity with EDI.

Back down on the trading floor, we paused and I looked at Kaidan. Without looking at me, he said, "I have a lot of work to do. When are the reservations?" Tali told him a time that was a few hours from now. He nodded. "I'll meet you all about thirty minutes before?" I nodded. He inclined his head at me and said, "Shepard." He walked away toward the docks.

I watched him go, trying to be unobtrusive about it, but apparently I failed because Tali said, " _Kee'lah_ , Shepard, I thought you were over him."

I barked a short laugh, "I don't think I ever will be, Tali."

A few hours later, I stood nervously examining myself in the mirrored surface of a packing crate. I'd begged Miranda's help with my hair and makeup, knowing I was hopeless at them except for what it took to appear professional. It had worked. My short hair hung straight and smooth, for once. My eyes looked larger and bluer by the time Miranda got done with them. Tali and I had sent Garrus back to the ship and went shopping. The result was a  _very_  little black dress. Shorter even than the one I'd worn the night the  _Normandy_  was stolen. It was strapless, too. I was a bit worried it would fall when I sat, but I'd tested it in the store and it seemed to defy gravity and stayed in place. Of course, it had enough steel wires in the bodice it felt like body armor. A collar-like necklace with more stones in it than I could count encircled my throat and I crouched to fasten matching strappy silver sandals around my ankles. Good thing about asari, human women could wear the same clothes without having to make allowances for anatomy oddities. The only challenge was trying to find a place to put a gun. I'd had to give up. I was going to have to rely on my biotics if we got into trouble.

"Damn, Commander, you clean up nice," Jacob's voice said from behind me. He leaned against the bulkhead with his arms crossed. He grinned, "I hope Alenko knows what he's missing."

"Thank you, Jacob." I took the compliment in the spirit in which it was intended. I refused to hold my team to formality after we'd all been through so much together. "Will you and Miranda be all right here?"

"Yeah, we'll be fine. Jack and Grunt are the only real problems and I'm sure we can find something to keep them occupied."

"I'm leaving my 'tool with Joker. Call Tali or Garrus if you need me," I told him.

He straightened up and saluted me, "Aye, aye, ma'am."

I closed my eyes and shook my head, "Jacob, stop that. We're not Alliance and we're not Cerberus any more. I really don't need that."

He shrugged, "Old habits, Shepard."

"Strangle it quickly, Taylor." He laughed as I left to find Garrus and Tali. When we'd gone shopping, we'd also gotten a lovely scarf for Tali to wrap around her suit. It was black velvet with bronze embroidery. She and Garrus were already standing in front of the airlock, waiting on me. Garrus was wearing the traditional turian tunic and pants in his customary blue and black. I heard a noise behind me and turned to find Kaidan standing a few feet away, his whiskey brown eyes locked on me. He started at my hair and his gaze traveled down to my red-painted toes and back up, that half-smile that could melt my panties off playing about his lips.

Fine, if he was going to check me out, two could play at this game. He was wearing a white collarless shirt, the top few buttons open, leaving me a tantalizing glimpse of his chest hair. With it came the memory of my fingers trailing through it and my mouth went dry. The black jacket he wore over the shirt and the matching black pants fit him like a second skin. I resisted the urge to say to hell with Liara and dinner and drag him back to his cabin and remove his suit by the simple expedient of ripping it off of him. I smiled at him, making sure he caught the lust I was trying to project at him.

"Spirits, get a room, you two," Garrus grumbled, his voice pitched so that I barely heard him. I spun on my heel, heading for the airlock, glancing back once to see that Kaidan's eyes were firmly glued to my rear end.

It was going to be a long dinner.


	15. Chapter 15

_She Said_

The restaurant looked like it cost more for one dinner here than all four of us made in a month. Of course, Council Spectres don't get paid and neither did the ex-vigilantes or quarian engineers who worked for them. I was glad I was independently wealthy and that Tali had found my money. Heh, maybe the universe would finally do me a good turn and Cerberus just "borrowed" the  _Normandy_  to repair her.

Right.

The restaurant,  _Ariete,_  was at the top of one of the more massive spires in Nos Astra. All of the outside walls were windows. The interior walls were all clear as well, with various designs and paintings seemingly suspended in the material creating some privacy amongst the tables with interesting artwork in case the conversation stalled awkwardly, I supposed. From what I could see, the table cloths were made of some asari imported fabric I'd last seen draping the walls and furniture of the Consort's office. I knew the cloth would feel like velvet and satin somehow coexisting in the same fabric. The centerpieces were made of flowers from hundreds of different worlds, I even recognized a few that were supposed to be from Earth and Mindoir. Soft instrumental music that had Tali swaying quietly gently dulled out the genteel clatter of utensils on porcelain. The smells coming from the kitchen were already making me salivate, though.

I leaned over to Kaidan as we stood at the maitre d's station, a wide, circular desk of some exotic wood that stood about chest high on me, briefly waiting to be shown to Liara's table. "So, you going to treat us with your big Alliance Commander's salary?" He laughed, and was about to reply when the tuxedoed asari returned to show us to our table.

Our table was in a dimly lit corner of the restaurant with heavier pieces of art surrounding it, creating the illusion of privacy. Liara stood from where she was perched nervously. I felt a brief stab of jealousy looking at her. She always made me feel so awkward. She was still wearing her pale makeup, dimming her usual clear blue to a paler shade. Her arms were covered in white fingerless gloves that reached her biceps. Her dress was sleeveless, like mine, but swept down from a plunging neckline to sweep the floor in more of that white alien fabric. One clear white stone that looked like a one carat teardrop hung from her throat. I felt like I was wearing too much jewelry and too little dress.

She clasped my hands in greeting, leaning in to kiss me on one cheek then the other. I was glad to see when she leaned in to greet Kaidan and then Garrus the same way. Tali merely allowed a hug. Liara gestured for us to sit down and me being me, I took the inner seat against the wall, noting that both Kaidan and Garrus tried to claim it first. It was the better defensive position, if it came down to it, so I claimed it. They were just going to have to content themselves with the chairs on either side of me.

"This is nice." Liara said, inanely. "Old friends, getting together to have dinner. We should really do this more often."

I smiled, I'm afraid it wasn't a nice smile. I didn't like this charade and I'd have preferred to just get the information I needed, pay her, and go. I didn't want her trading on my friendship, or the fact that she was responsible for my resurrection. "Except you didn't call us here for that," I told her.

She shook her head, quickly. I wasn't even sure I saw her do it, but her meaning was clear. "We'll be able to talk freely in few minutes, Shepard, when the night band takes the stage," she said quietly. Louder, she said to Garrus and Tali, "I picked this restaurant because they are also supposed to have decent Palaven cuisine and traditional quarian dishes. The menus will be sent to your Omni-Tools."

Garrus' flared to life and I leaned over to look at it. "Sorry, Shepard, it's all dextro food."

I made a face at Garrus, then nearly jumped out of my skin when Kaidan put his hand on my bare arm. Tingles went to my finger tips and down through the rest of my body. He slid his hand down my arm, lightly playing his fingertips against the sensitive skin, his biotic nerve endings sparking against mine. His 'Tool was open for me to look at with him. His fingers stopped playing with my arm and traveled downward to entwine his fingers with mine and pulled my hand into his lap, still holding it. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and saw that he was watching me. I was about to pull my hand away, when his thumb stroked lightly across my palm causing me to shiver and a pulse of heat to shoot straight through my body. Damn him for knowing exactly what buttons to push. I tried to pull my hand away, but he gripped tighter and I didn't want to start wrestling with him under the table, so he won this round and got to keep my hand. I pulled my eyes away from his and noticed the pained expression on Liara's face.

Was Kaidan doing this just to be territorial? Threatened by Liara or even Garrus? The thought made all desire for him flee from the anger it caused and heat shot through my body for a different reason. I succeeded in finally wrenching my hand away from him, though it now felt cold in my lap. But I'll be damned if he was going to do that to me again.

"Liara, what do you recommend?" I asked, politely.

Her smile was a little green around the edges, and given Kaidan's possessiveness, I couldn't blame her. I knew how she felt about me, hell, she'd tracked down my corpse! I'd never felt anything for her other than a sisterly bond, but I wasn't going to rub her nose in it. I'd never found asari attractive. I'd date Garrus first. "The steak is from Earth, Shepard. A place named Japan, I believe. The fish is what I prefer, though."

The rest of the conversation revolved around the food and the menu, Tali and Garrus expressing their amazement at the variety. I sat quietly and just watched everyone. All that was missing was Wrex. And Ashley. I cared about the people on my new team, but these… these were the ones that went through hell with me first. These were the ones I'd died to keep safe. I felt a lump creep up into my throat and I grabbed my glass of water and swallowed around it, staving off the tears that might follow. Commander Fucking Shepard does not cry in relief at having her friends back. Even if one of them has always reminded me of the little sister that died on Mindoir. I looked up and met Liara's eyes and smiled.

EDI chose that moment to interrupt Garrus' menu on his Omni-Tool. "Commander, there are several armed hostile sapients advancing on your location."

Garrus swore and began pulling pistols out of various places in his suit. Tali took one out of his hand and he handed a second one to Kaidan. I didn't ask how the AI knew, I figured she had either linked to all their 'Tools or the  _Concord_ and through that the security feed in the building. "What, you forgot one for me?" I asked Garrus.

The turian just looked at me, "When's the last time you really needed a gun, Shepard?"

I grinned and activated my Barrier. "You have a point." I felt Kaidan and Liara also bring up their barriers, the low hum vibrating in the back of my teeth and my earbones, tickling my sinuses.

Just as the thugs burst into the restaurant and started firing at the ceiling, the five of us flung the large round table on its side, the pretty porcelain shattering on the sleek granite floor. "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please!"

I rolled my eyes as we huddled behind it. "Can't they ever be original?"

"We are not here to harm anyone! So, no one be heroes! We just want your valuables and your Omni-Tools." Yeah, over my dead body. Oh, wait, that's been done. "My associates will be coming around for your donations to our cause! Please! Be generous!" That was a human voice.

"He thinks he's a comedian," Garrus rumbled beside me.

"As soon as they get here, there's going to be trouble," Tali pointed out. "We obviously can't give them anything."

"They can't have any of our 'Tools," Kaidan pointed out. "I know mine is fairly heavily classified."

"While we don't get official classified status," I said, "Theirs and Liara's 'Tools can't be handed over either."

"Do you think they're asking for them to flush us out?" Liara asked.

"The thought had crossed my mind," Kaidan replied.

"Is there a back way out of here?" I asked.

"Shepard!" Liara protested, "You're not seriously considering leaving these people to be robbed!"

"Liara, if we fight, and we'll have to, considering who we are and what our mission is, these people will lose a hell of a lot more than their 'Tools and some rings."

Kaidan glanced at me and nodded, "I don't like it, but you're right. We're not in any position to stop this robbery."

Garrus sighed, "They're right, Liara. This is a hostage situation waiting to happen."

"While you all were debating, I pulled up the schematics for the tower we're in. There's a safety exit," the quarian looked up from her 'Tool to orient herself and glance around, "over there." She pointed. "An alarm will sound, but maybe that means the bad guys will chase us instead of hurting these people."

Kaidan and I at same time said, "OK, Tali, lead the way." He cleared his throat and motioned for me to continue. "Garrus, take point. Liara, follow Tali. Kaidan, you and I will take rear guard." The three of us renewed our barriers and followed Tali and Garrus as we all ran in a crouch for the safety exit.

The minute Garrus opened the doors, a klaxon sounded, nearly deafening all of us. I heard the human voice shout orders to get his henchmen to stop us


	16. Chapter 16

_He Said_

We all crowded into the stairwell and Shepard motioned for Vakarian and Tali to keep moving and for Liara to follow. I braced my foot against the door and looked at her questioningly. My ears were still ringing so when she said something quietly, I shook my head, not hearing her. She gestured for me to get out of the way and I saw Liara pause a few steps below us, watching Shepard intently. I moved where Shepard requested and watched her make the gesture for her mnemonic for Singularity: her arm outstretched, she jerked her shoulder back and twisted her wrist upwards. The small black hole spun and would block any attempt to open that door for a short while. Liara nodded and preceded us down the stairs. "I'll get the next one," she called to Shepard.

The Commander nodded and motioned for me to come closer to her. Puzzled, I complied. She put her hand on my shoulder but nearly lost her balance; reflexively, I reached out and wrapped my arm around her waist to catch her before she fell backwards down the stairs. We were still mostly deafened so she smiled her thanks and leaned on me to pull off her heels. I think I heard her say, "This is the last time I go on a date in a dress." This was a date? With whom? She switched feet to pull off the other one. We were about to start fighting and running for our lives and all I wanted to do was push her up against the wall and kiss her until neither one of us could speak any more. But she spun away from me after taking her other shoe off and patted me on the shoulder, thanking me. I swallowed my disappointment and went back to being a good Marine, trailing the Adept and covering her back.

My hearing came back and I grinned at the sound of the would-be robbers getting caught by Shepard's trap. At the next landing, Liara waited until we were past and made the same mnemonic gesture Shepard had. It made sense, since the asari was the one who'd taught the ability to Shepard in the first place. They'd taught me, but I'd never gotten the hang of it to make one as powerful as they could, so I stuck with practicing Warp and my tech skills. A good wide-area overload was often just as effective. But certainly not this time.

Shepard and Liara leapfrogged their Singularities as we raced down the stairs. It worked well for a while until the turian yelled, "Shepard, get down here! We've got company!"

"Sonofabitch!" she cursed under her breath. "Kaidan, Liara, watch our six." She sprinted ahead, her small bare feet flashing in the safety lighting of the stairs. I glanced at the asari and we both turned to automatically follow Shepard's orders. I was halfway down the flight of stairs looking for trouble as Liara laid her next Singularity trap when I realized how far back into my old habit I'd fallen. I glanced back at Liara and her embarrassed expression told me she'd just realized the same thing.

"Automatic, isn't it?" I asked, peering up the stairwell the way we'd come, watching for pursuit.

"Completely. You just want to do what she says," Liara agreed.

The order made sense, so I didn't rebel, but I'd have to discuss this with Shepard, later. Council Spectre or no, ordering Alliance officers around wasn't standard operating procedure. Not that Shepard had ever given a damn about standard procedure. It occurred to me that she'd sent Tali and Vakarian out in front, not because of their skills, but that to Shepard, they were known quantities in a fight. I tried like hell not to resent that. I hadn't fought at her side for more than two years, but it still stung.

I had actually been away from Shepard longer than I'd known her. But following her was still second nature. The hunt for Saren had taken roughly a year. The most stressful and dangerous year of my life.

And the most wonderful.

I wasn't sure I'd come to terms with her having actually died yet. Since Horizon I'd believed that she'd been lying to me for the last two years, undercover or worse, turned traitor, allowing me to believe she was dead, it hurt. It hurt worse than her death, thinking she'd lied to me and betrayed everything we'd fought for. I'd spent the last two years trying like hell to get over her. Horizon had put the lie to my efforts. Delan had said her name and even through the grogginess of whatever those seeker swarms had injected me with, I'd felt such an incredible joy followed by absolute rage.

Liara threw another Singularity in the direction of the landing we'd just left. I kept my pistol at the ready and continued down the stairs with her. Gunfire and shouting, Garrus' voice, "Scoped and dropped!" Tali's shouted, "Go for the optics, Chiktika!" and Shepard's shouted orders to both of them. Liara and I ran faster, but were still hampered by her need to recharge her powers until she could manage a Singularity again.

The asari wiped sweat from her eyes, "This would go a lot faster if you hadn't been neglecting what Shepard and I taught you, Commander."

"I'm afraid I had other things to worry about in the last two years, Liara." Like trying to dig Shepard out of me by the roots. Liara just shook her head at me. "Look, we just need to get down there and help them."

She nodded and threw another Singularity, turning to continue to race down the stairs. Stopping to finish recharging, she said, "Shepard told me she wanted me to tell you how she fell into Cerberus' hands."

I figured Liara knew the answer due to her new career as an information broker. I did not expect the words that came out of her mouth next. "I gave her to them."

I froze and stared at her, my stomach dropping into my shoes. "You did what?"

Liara yanked me out of the way and dropped another Singularity on the landing, "I tracked down her body. The Shadow Broker was trying to find it to sell it to the Collectors. I found it first. Cerberus contacted me and made me an offer I couldn't refuse.

"They promised to bring her back," she looked up at me, tears swimming in her blue eyes.

I swallowed, "Vakarian and Tali know this?" Liara, what did you do?

She dragged me down the stairs with her, I was too stunned to keep moving. My head was spinning and I could feel the beginnings of a migraine. "Garrus' first response was to punch a wall and yell at me for not telling him that I'd done it. Tali yelled at me."

She looked at me as if afraid of what I would do. I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall. Shepard obviously felt no anger toward Liara for what she'd done. Or if she had, it was long forgotten in forgiveness. "How did Shepard react when you told her?"

The tears fell from Liara's eyes and she turned to keep walking down, "She was upset, but hid it well. What she did when she got back to the ship, I don't know. She told me, then, that she understood and her mission was too important for her to have let a little thing like death stop her." The asari gave a short laugh and wiped her eyes, "She thanked me." I followed her down to the next landing, the tightness behind my eyes warning me of trouble to come.

I was silent the next few turns of the stairs. Running on autopilot, my training took over for my overtaxed mind. "Wait, why was the Shadow Broker trying to sell her body," I suppressed a shudder, "to the Collectors?"

"I can only speculate. I haven't gotten that far in my hunt for him."

"So speculate."

She glanced at me, put up another Singularity, and as we headed downward again said, "I think the Collectors, working for the Reapers, were interested in her genetic material because she withstood the beacons and the Cipher and because she killed one of them."

It made a disturbing sort of sense. Though I wasn't sure how much of what she'd done were her genes or just Shepard herself and everything she's had to endure from Mindoir to the Blitz, to the hunt for Saren. But in acknowledging this, I had to face the truth. Shepard had died. Truly and completely.

The stairwell ended and we emerged in a wide open mall-like area. We ran and reached Shepard and Tali and Vakarian and I ducked into cover next to Shepard. The burnt ozone tingle of her biotics made my own hum in response, a low-level vibration deep in my nervous system. She grinned at me, her eyes bright and her skin flushed with excitement and exertion. "Glad you could join the party, Kaidan!"

"Glad to be invited. What's going on?"

She raised her head just enough to glance over the short wall we were huddled behind, "Rearguard for the thugs upstairs, I think. They're supposed to keep anyone from sneaking out and getting help. I guess that's why we saw very little action on the stairs."

I nodded, grimly. It made sense. It also made Shepard's tactics that much more of a professional insult. I wasn't N7 like she was, but I wasn't an idiot, either. A small voice in the back of my head pointed out that I'd have done the same thing in her position. I told that voice to shut up. I also tried not to pay attention to the fact that my choice in cover had brought me very close to Shepard's bare leg. A flash of silver let me know she'd put her heels back on. I closed my eyes, briefly, and swallowed.

"Cease fire!" Someone up ahead of us yelled. "Cease fire! Commander Shepard, is that you?" It was an androgynous asari's voice. Most of them sounded like pre-teen boys to me, except Liara, for some reason who just sounded like a young woman.

Shepard poked her head briefly out of cover, peering into the distance. "Detective Anaya?" I lunged at her and pulled her back down.

"What the hell are you doing?" I hissed at her, belatedly realizing I'd knocked her back and I was kneeling between her legs, her skirt pushed up. I was nearly laying flat against her, her face inches from mine, my hands on either side of her hips, holding myself up, but still below the level of the wall.

Her blue eyes turned icy, "I'd like to ask you the same thing, Commander." She shifted her hips to pull herself out from under me, and God help me, my reaction was immediate. She must have felt it, or maybe saw me turn red. It certainly felt like the blood in my body had gone in two directions, south and to my face. She froze and the anger seemed to fade from her face, replaced by a grin I knew only to well. She leaned closer and whispered into my ear, shifting her hips deliberately, this time, "If you wanted to be on top, all you had to do was ask, Kaidan." I stared at her, unable to keep the heat I was feeling out of my expression. She kissed me lightly on the cheek and finally did slide out from under me, standing up, directly in the line of fire if someone still wanted to shoot her. I reached out for her again, purely to get her back behind the wall, but she evaded me. I realized then, that Vakarian and Tali were standing with Liara and another asari. I watched Shepard walk away and flopped back down to try to get my body back under control.

In a few moments, I was able to rejoin them, straightening my jacket as I walked over. "Detective Anaya, might I introduce Alliance Commander Alenko of the  _Concord_ ," Shepard said, her voice showing no tension, whatsoever.

I nodded at the bright blue alien, "Detective."

She nodded back, "Commander." I was surprised to find she wasn't checking out either me or Shepard. She was, however, looking at Vakarian an awful lot. I couldn't help but grin.

"As I was just telling the Commander, Commander, apparently, we managed to pin down a small group of the thugs that were robbing  _Ariete_  between us and wipe them out. Maybe the lowlifes in the restaurant itself will surrender once they realize we've taken out their back up."

Shepard turned to look at me, "And I was letting the Detective know the back stairs were more than likely clear since we did not encounter anyone on the way down."

"Those Singularities won't last forever, Commander," I reminded her.

She smiled, it was more of a teeth baring than a smile, but I wondered if the non-humans we were with would know the difference. "Of course, Commander. But neither you, nor Doctor T'Soni encountered resistance on your way down, did you?"

"No, Shepard, we did not. Detective, I believe the stairwell is as secure as it could be, under the circumstances," Liara interrupted. Shepard and I were glaring at each other, but I was not going to look away first.

Detective Anaya broke Shepard's and my stand off, "Since none of you are apparently dressed for a SWAT mission, I think my people and I will deal with these would-be robbers. May I contact you later, Commanders?" The asari asked politely.

I looked away when Shepard did, long enough to nod my assent to the detective. When I turned back to talk to Shepard, she'd already walked away with Liara, their heads together, talking intently. I clenched my teeth. I would not use Pull to get Shepard back over here. I would not.

Vakarian was looking from me to Shepard, "Spirits, Alenko. Haven't you done enough to hurt her?" He turned on his heel and walked toward Shepard and Liara. I couldn't read Tali's expression, but I'm pretty sure the set of her shoulders was disapproving as she imitated the turian's departure.

I just couldn't win.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

_He Said_

We were finally back aboard the  _Concord_. Shepard walked in front of me, her silver heels making her legs flex distractingly. I reminded myself I was angry with her. Vakarian and Tali pushed past me, Tali ignored me, Vakarian glared at me. I shook my head. I was technically off duty, still, as much as a commander of a ship ever is. So I followed Shepard to the mess. We were both starving after not having had dinner and I knew she was even hungrier than I was having used her powers. Before she could get her food, however, I stepped up behind her. How the hell did she still manage to smell so good after fighting all night? "Commander, I need to speak with you in my office." I was proud of my voice not betraying either my anger at her or the fact that I really just wanted to push her up against the nearest wall.

She glanced at me over her shoulder and tucked a lock of stray hair behind her ear. "Fine. Lead the way, Commander." She followed me to my office, which also happened to be my quarters, but was possibly the only place on my crowded ship we could talk without being overheard. I opened the door and gestured for her to precede me. I walked in behind her and locked the door. This was not going to be a nice discussion.

She spun, hearing the lock engage, her blue eyes widened then narrowed at me. "All right,  _Commander,_  let's get this discussion over with."

I stepped closer to her, my teeth clenched, "You need to stop ordering me around,  _Lieutenant Commander_." I hoped the way I stated her rank would get my point across.

"I'm a Spectre, first,  _Staff Commander_ ," she snarled my title. "As such, it's my prerogative to give orders as I see fit. I answer only to the Council."

I clenched my fists, "And you're on my ship,  _Lieutenant Commander_."

"That's  _Spectre_  Shepard, to you,  _Staff Commander_." Her voice was cold. I stood staring at her, breathing heavily. My heart was pounding; I was shaking with the need to punch something. My god, what perfume was she  _wearing_? I ran my hands through my hair, needing to do something with them. Anything. She stared back at me, also breathing deeply.  _How was her dress staying up? What would it look like on the floor?_  I couldn't think, I couldn't focus. Before I could regain control, Shepard was on me, her arms wrapped around me, her slender fingers in my hair and her mouth on mine and I staggered back against the door.

I didn't question it, I didn't think. I wrapped my arms around her as tightly as I could, one hand in the small of her back, pushing her hips against mine, the other wound through her hair. Her lips against mine sent a fire straight to my groin and I pressed her harder against me, instinctively. Her tongue pushed past my teeth and stroked mine. My hands, without my telling them to, snaked down and cupped her ass through the tight dress. That beautiful, firm round ass. I pulled her skirt up and discovered she was wearing only the tiniest of thongs, her ass bare under the silk of her dress. The feel of her bare skin made me moan against her mouth and sent a pulse of heat directly to my groin. I pulled on her until she angled her hips and wrapped one leg around mine, her mouth still on mine, kissing me as if she wanted to crawl inside me. Since that's precisely what I wanted to do to her, I didn't object.

She pulled her mouth away and started kissing my neck, her mouth searing hot over my skin, alternating between licking and gentle biting. She pulled at my jacket and I let her tug it off, one arm at a time, reluctant to release her even that much. I gasped as her slender, clever fingers entwined themselves in my chest hair, making what little blood I had left in my brain leave permanently for parts south. I twisted my head around and returned the favor against her neck, overwhelmed by her perfume. Some Earth flower mixed with apples and it was something I'd missed so much in the last two years. I reached one hand up and pulled back on her hair, exposing more of her neck to me and causing her to arch her back and push her hips even harder against me. She cried out and I moaned against the pulse in her neck, my mouth pressed to it. She managed to get my shirt unbuttoned and I let it fall to the floor behind me.

Shepard started to pull away, but I yanked her back to me, unwilling to let her go yet. She finally extricated herself from me and stood in front of me, her hair disheveled and her lips bruised from the force of our mouths. I leaned against the door, weakly, my pants uncomfortably tight. "You're wearing too many clothes, Shepard."

She grinned, impishly, "Is that an order, Staff," her eyes flicked to my crotch where I'm certain my arousal was obvious, "Commander?"

She was such a fucking tease! "Does it need to be?" I growled.

She put her hands on her hips, sliding her dress back to down to cover her ass, "Your mission, should you chose to accept it, is to  _make me_." Before she could move away, I yanked her to me and spun, pinning her chest first against the wall. I yanked her zipper down and let the dress fall to the floor, taking a moment to look at her. Everything was as I remembered it on my loneliest nights after her death. Her muscular shoulders, her strong back, the two little triangular dimples just above her ass that were a perfect place to put my thumbs when I grabbed her hips. She also wasn't wearing a bra. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to steady myself.

Done being gentle, I kicked her legs apart, her feet still balanced in those insanely sexy silver heels. She flung up her hands to balance herself against the wall. I yanked my belt off and threw it somewhere and kicked my shoes off before pressing myself up against her, my erection pushing against her ass. She made a sound that I'd never heard her make before and arched her back, shoving her ass against me. I almost lost my balance and grabbed her around the waist to steady myself, my hand splayed against her flat stomach. She tilted her head back and caught my mouth with hers, her tongue invading immediately. I slid my other hand up to cup her breast. My hand felt rough and calloused against her smooth skin. She moaned, pushing against me again. I slid my other hand down to the waistband of her thong and over it, wanting to torment her as she was torturing me. The thong was satin and already damp from her. I yanked my mouth away from her and buried my face against her neck. I was still so angry with her and she with me, apparently. But I didn't want to take her like this, up against the wall. Part of me wanted to just shuck my pants and rip that tiny pink satin thong off her hips and fuck her till she screamed, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself in the morning.

And she'd probably kick my ass.

I staggered backward, my bare feet growing cold from the tiles. Shepard slumped against the wall. "That it? Are you walking away from me again?" My heart broke at the pain in her voice.

 _I'm never walking away again, Avery_ , I told her in my head. "No, Shepard. Do you really want me to do this? Treat you like this?"

She turned around, crossing her arms over her breasts and shivered. She looked up at me from under her bangs, "I just want you to touch me." Within two strides I was pulling her into my arms and holding her tightly while she trembled against me. Her arms snaked around my back and she clung to me, her fingertips digging into my skin.

After that, I was gentle. I kissed her, softly until I ached in my heart for her. I cradled her face in my hands, and barely touched my tongue to hers. Slowly, I pulled her toward my bed. Her hands went to my waist to steady herself, resting in the hollows of my hipbones. I sat her on the bed and carefully pulled off those silver heels. When I was done, I let her scoot back up on to the bed and she watched me.

I pulled off my pants and boxers and I heard her breath catch. It was nice to know my frustrated hard work paid off somehow. Time in the gym had lessened the pain of her loss, even if I'd worked on my weight lifting to the detriment of my aerobic fitness. I looked at her, realizing just how much of a miracle it was she was here. She had a few new scars, but she was still perfect. I looked at her, one eyebrow raised. Realization crossed her face and she grinned quickly shucking off the thong and throwing it somewhere.

I approached her, slowly, her pale skin almost glowing in the dim light from the wall illumination and in contrast to the coal gray sheets on the bed. She moved to sit up and I shook my head at her, she subsided, watching me. I climbed up on the bed slowly, on my hands and knees, and crawled up her body, not touching her, no matter how much I wanted to, my eyes holding hers intently. I reached her head and lowered myself onto her by inches, our eyes still locked together. She wrapped her arms around me and I rolled her over on top of me.

I grinned up at her, "Joker had better not be waiting for you on the bridge this time."


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW again....

_She Said_

My stomach woke me up. Growling. Of course, I hadn't had dinner and then fought and then…. I looked down at the golden skinned arms wrapped around me tightly, my fingers entwined with one of his hands, the other was cupping one of my breasts. I snuggled back into his embrace, feeling the light fuzz of hair on his chest and running down his abdomen tickle my back. I didn't care how hungry I was, I wasn't getting out of this bed. However, the growling apparently woke him up. He kissed my ear and asked, "Do you need to eat something?"

I twisted my head around to look at him, "I probably should, or I'll be utterly useless in the morning."

I felt him grin against my cheek, "Who says you're leaving this room tomorrow, Spectre?"

I laughed, "I'm pretty sure my team would break in to be certain I'm all right."

He pulled me tighter against him, "They can live without you for a day."

"They might, but your crew is a different story."

He released my hand and rubbed his forehead, turning over partially onto his back. "You're right. How the hell do you do it, Shepard?"

I turned over in his arms, "Do what, command a battleship? Balance a professional relationship with a private one?"

He looked at me, "Either, or both."

I lay my head on his chest, "We weren't doing a lot of balancing, Kaidan. I can't tell you how much I regret that."

"I couldn't see a way around the regs, either, Shepard. We were stuck." We both quietly paused for a moment.

I raise my head to look at him, "As far as the ship goes, if everyone's doing their job, the ship pretty much runs itself. All you really have to do is sign a lot of paperwork. Hell, Pressley ran the ship more than I did. I was too busy being a Spectre to be a Commander."

He gave a short laugh, "And I was too busy watching your ass. Literally and figuratively."

"Did you like the view?" I asked.

His hand slid down to cup the body part in question. He turned his head to me, "Do you really need to ask? Tell me, do you wear those things under your armor?"

I cuddled closer to him, sliding my leg between his, "The thongs? Yes."

He groaned and rolled over, burying his face in the crook of my neck, "I shouldn't have asked. Now that's all I'm going to be thinking about in a fight."

Both his hands were cupping my ass, now. Electric shocks tingled through me as he kissed my neck. I felt him move his hips closer to me and that he was very happy to be there. My stomach growled again and he stopped, freezing in place. "I'm sorry to kill the mood, if I don't get food soon, though…"

Reluctantly, he pulled himself away from me and got up to throw on his BDUs. "What do you want?"

"A sandwich is fine. Maybe some fruit?"

He leaned over and kissed me quickly. "Just don't move. I'll be right back." He got to the door and turned to look at me again, "Just stay there."

I grinned, "I'm not going anywhere!" I sat up and clutched the sheet to my chest, "Go, please?"

He left the room. I got out of bed. I refused to eat while nude. I also refused to eat in bed. I walked over and looked at my dress. Yeah, there was no way I was putting that back on yet. The stays had started to stab me before Kaidan took it off me. I walked over and picked up his discarded dress shirt. It would be too big, but at least I wouldn't have to eat naked. I put it on and buttoned it up, belatedly realizing it had no buttons from about mid-chest up. The shirt hit me mid-thigh, though, so I shrugged and rolled up the sleeves. I was hunting around for my underwear when he came back in, locking the door again behind him.

I turned to look at him since he froze in place and didn't say anything. "What?"

"You are a walking wet dream. Are you sure you have to eat? Because that's really not fair." He set the tray down on his desk and crossed to me. Before I could protest, he pulled me to him and kissed me, his hands cupping my face.

I slid my hands up to his wrists, pulling away, "Kaidan, please?" My stomach growled its agreement.

"Ok, ok, but eat fast," he all but begged.

I grinned and walked over to the tray. A turkey sandwich with everything on it, an energy drink, and a half-dozen strawberries with the green tops cut off. My grin widened. I'd almost forgotten his strawberry, well, I don't know if fetish was the right word, but he'd really enjoyed watching me eat them. I doubt their inclusion on my tray had anything to do with them being my favorite fruit. I decided to save them for last, or I'd never get my sandwich. He sat down in the other chair and I noticed there was a second tray with two sandwiches and an energy drink on it for him. I handed it to him and sat down, my legs crossed. He froze, staring at my legs, the sandwich halfway to his mouth. I hadn't found my underwear, so I was a little uncomfortable in the chair, "What?"

"You're killing me, Shepard."

My stomach gave a nervous little flip at how frankly those whiskey-brown eyes were regarding me. I've seen lust in a man's eyes before; hell, I've seen lust in this man's eyes before. But knowing I had no intention of giving in immediately made it infinitely more amusing. "And you're wearing too many clothes," I retorted, taking a bite of my sandwich. He started to eat his sandwiches as quickly as he could, as if the fate of the galaxy rested on how many calories he could ingest in as little time as possible. I leaned over my tray and just ate normally. By the time I hit the halfway point on my sandwich, he was completely done with one of his and starting on the next. I sat up straighter and uncrossed my legs, relaxing them. His eyes flew down to where my open thighs were hidden by his shirt. I heard him inhale sharply. I drank my energy drink and picked up a strawberry, watching him. His half eaten sandwich stopped on its way to his mouth and he froze, staring at me.

I bit into the red fruit. It didn't taste like a real strawberry, those were hard to come by out here, but it was close enough and the appearance was what was important. He shuddered and closed his eyes and sat his sandwich down on his tray. I went back to eating my sandwich.

When I finally finished, he was watching me, his head resting on one hand, his forefinger stretched along his temple, his thumb under his chin and the other fingers curled over his mouth. I glanced down and could see the effect I was having on him through the tight pants of his BDUs. I picked up another strawberry. He twitched through the fabric of his pants. My mouth went dry when I remembered he hadn't taken time to put boxers on under his pants. He must've seen me swallow hard because he sat up and pulled his shirt over his head, and threw it somewhere. I didn't look. The sight of his chiseled, uncovered pectorals and abdominal muscles, lightly furred with dark hair, made me light-headed with my own surge of lust.

"Is that few enough clothes for you, Shepard?" he drawled, going back to his previous slouched position.

I bit into the strawberry in reply. I heard his breath catch in his throat and smiled. I picked up another piece of fruit and stood up, my eyes locked with his. I climbed onto his lap, straddling him, pushing my crotch against his, with only the thin fabric of his pants between us. His hands went to the outside of my legs, his fingers digging into my thighs as he watched me, still holding my eyes with his. I held up the strawberry for him and his even white teeth cut into the fruit. Not breaking my gaze, he licked the juice from my fingers and I shivered against him. He took the last little bit from my fingers after licking them clean and I lowered my mouth to his, kissing him, tasting the sweetness of the berry on his lips.

It didn't take us long to end up back on his Alliance issue sheets.


	19. Chapter 19

_She Said_

I really missed my own bed on the  _Normandy_. I'd forgotten how incredibly rough Alliance issue linens were. I wanted my 800 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets and fluffy, over-sized pillows back, dammit. However, I would gladly put up with sleeping on sandpaper to keep the man currently wrapped around my naked body with me. Even if he snored in his sleep. He stirred and somehow managed to clutch me tighter.

I was lying on my back with him pretzeled around me. His head was on my chest, one arm was up under my neck, pinning my right arm under him. His other arm was wrapped around me and wedged under my hips. Somehow, he'd gotten one of my legs between his and my other leg was on top of both of his creating a sort of stack of legs. He shifted again, rubbing his morning status against my thigh. I felt an answering throb in response, but honestly wondered if I was up to it. I'd lost count of the number of orgasms he'd given me last night, knowing only that my muscles were completely gelatinous. With my free hand, I stroked my fingers through his sleep and sex mussed hair, wondering how the hell we'd fallen asleep like this.

At the touch of my fingers, he started awake. He blinked blearily up at me and smiled, "It wasn't a dream."

I shook my head, "No, it wasn't a dream."

He lay back down and squeezed me tightly, "Thank god." His hand slid up to idly stroke the breast he wasn't laying on, teasing my nipple and sending tiny shocks to my groin. The feeling magnified the ache from muscles I'd apparently not used enough of since waking up. Was being a virgin a state of mind, or of body? I was definitely feeling newly broken in. He looked up, searching for his clock. "Oh, good, we've got time before I have to go back to work." He turned to me, grinning and playing with my now-standing-at-attention nipple.

Despite my own growing arousal, and another shift of his hips against my leg proved his was growing also, I told him, "I really don't know if I'm up for more. We need to talk."

He twisted so that he was now between my legs and on top of me, holding himself  _just right there_ , teasing me. His brown eyes were narrowed in a smile, "You're assuming I'm going to let you out of here today, Shepard."

I shifted to pull myself away, but he held me still and my movement only brought him closer to my opening. I moaned softly, trying very hard to clear my head from the need to pull him closer. We really did need to talk, "You do not play fair, Alenko."

He pushed himself inside me and I cried out at the sudden electric shocks shooting through my body. I briefly lost control of my biotics and flared up, causing him to do the same. The merged fields magnified everything between us. I trembled in the sensory overload. He pushed himself up on me, bringing me flush against his hips again, and told me, "Who said I was playing?" He lowered his mouth to mine in a kiss.

A boneless interlude later, we both collapsed on the bed, panting. "You wanted to talk?" he asked. I hit him with one of his brick-like pillows. He raised his arms in defense and laughed, "Ok, ok, I surrender!" He pushed himself up on his elbows and regarded me. "What did you want to talk about?"

I flopped back onto the bed weakly, "I was going to say… at least we're not fraternizing anymore."

He stared up at his ceiling for a moment, "Does that mean we don't have to sneak around?"

I turned my head to look at him, "I don't think it would help either of our authority to hump like teenagers in the comm. room again."

He laughed, humorlessly, and captured my hand with his. He turned on his side to meet my eyes, "I'm sorry for what happened there. I behaved like a jackass."

"Well… yes, you did," I held my hands up to catch the pillow he was already throwing at me. I turned over to look at him, "Please don't regret that. I was terrified until then, that you didn't want me. That you really were over me."

An agonized look washed over his face, his brow knotting and his mouth drawing down into a frown, "If I lived as long as an asari, I still wouldn't be over you, Shepard." He pulled me to him and crushed me against his chest.

I hitched one leg over his hips and pulled him closer to me with one arm. "Nor I you."

We lay there, simply holding on to each other, our heads tucked against the other's shoulder until his alarm clock went off. I reached over and hit the silencing button.

"It's probably just as well," he sighed, "Or I was going to jump you again."

I groaned, "You realize this is my first time since my resurrection, right?"

He leaned back and blinked at me, "What does that mean? You're what, a born-again virgin?" He laughed.

I had to laugh, too. "It means I'm  _sore_."

He grinned, smugly, "I'd apologize, but do I need to?"

"Hell, no," I hugged him tightly then pulled away to get out of bed. I sat unsteadily on the edge and looked back at him over my shoulder. He was lying stretched out on his side, his head propped by his hand, the sheet only covering his legs. One arm draped over his stomach, drawing my attention to the trail of hair that led to . . . I closed my eyes, "I'd borrow your shower, but something tells me I'd just come out of there more sore."

I opened my eyes again to see him turning red and pulling the sheets back up over himself, "If you want to use my shower, I promise to behave."

I laughed, "No, you don't."

He grinned, "You're right, I don't." He rolled over on his stomach and groaned, tucking a pillow under his head, "Just go use it. I'll think of Relay Math or something." He saw me pick up his shirt and whimpered, "Oh, god, don't put that back on. That's just cruel."

I threw it across his desk chair we'd tested the structural integrity of last night, "Fine. Find my underwear then." I laughed and scampered into the bathroom, shutting the door as a pillow flew at my back.

I walked back to my quarters, wearing my dress from last night and carrying my heels, hoping most of his crew and my team were still sleeping. I was sore, and tired and starving. I knew Kaidan felt the same. Probably the only reason I'd been able to shower alone despite his physical reactions. We'd agreed to meet for breakfast as soon as I changed. And it would be in the mess so we wouldn't be tempted by copious amounts of maple syrup. We both had work to do and both needed to recover.

He still hadn't found my underwear.

In my haste to sneak back to the small cabin Kaidan had given me, I forgot about the lack of need for sleep of the entire salarian species. Professor Mordin Solus came around the corner headed for the mess.

"Shepard!" His Omni-Tool flared to life, "Fatigued. Dehydrated. Hormone levels ebbing. Unusual for humans in the morning." He squinted at me, "Use of biotics in recreational sexual activity apparent. Won't be needing pamphlet." He walked around me muttering to himself. I stood frozen in shock for a moment, my face burning in embarrassment. How the hell could he tell we'd flared up on each other?

Now, all I needed was Joker or Garrus.

The elevator door opened and, of course, Joker stood in the cab. He stepped out and lifted his hat, scratching his head in mock puzzlement, "I coulda sworn you wore that last night, Commander."

I rolled my eyes and got into the elevator, "Laugh it up, Joker." He tossed my Omni-Tool at me and I wrapped EDI around my wrist.

In a sing-song voice he said, as the doors closed, "The commander's doing the walk of shaaammeee!" I dropped my face into my palm. This day had  _started_  well.

I arrived back up on the mess deck to eat breakfast with Kaidan, only to find Joker sitting and glaring at the Commander. Mordin had disappeared. I froze, and backed around the corner. Eavesdropping was never a good thing, but they needed to talk without my interference.

Joker's voice, petulant. "You're an asshole."

Kaidan's voice, calm, panty melting (OK, MY panties melted plenty), "Am I now?"

"Yeah. Two, three days and you and the commander have already kissed and made up?"

I heard Kaidan shift on those hard, bench-like chairs, "I don't know if we've made up, but we're talking."

Joker snorted, "Yeah, I'll bet there was a lot of talking. You left a hicky on her neck!" Mortified, my hand flew to my bare neck, wondering how the hell to hide it now that I'd burned all of my high-collared Cerberus uniforms.

Kaidan snorted, "I did not. Don't exaggerate."

I didn't relax until Joker said, his tone defeated, "Fine, but you might as well have. And you made her do the walk!"

"What walk?"

Joker's tone regained its aggression, "The shame one!"

I imagined Kaidan's eyebrows going up, "I didn't make her do anything,"  _Except scream a lot last night_ , I added silently, grinning to myself. "Look, Joker, this isn't about the Commander and you know it." Kaidan cleared his throat, "I'm sorry for what I said after the funeral. I was out of line."

I leaned against the wall and pinched the bridge of my nose. Tali came around the corner and I stopped her with my hand out, shaking my head. When she heard the two men's voices, she nodded her head and joined me against the wall. I thought I'd talked Joker out of this blaming himself bullshit. Apparently I'd failed. I didn't realize Kaidan also blamed himself. I really wanted to yell at both of them that I make my own damned decisions and it wasn't anyone's fault but my own. But I didn't. Tali put her arm around me and I leaned my head on her shoulder. One word, under her breath where only I could hear it, summed up both our feelings, " _Men_."

I pulled away and peeked around the corner. Joker was slumped in his seat, his arms crossed, his chin pressed against his chest, "You weren't. Out of line, I mean. It was my fault."

"I should have disobeyed her order. So, it wasn't all your fault, either."

I nodded against her shoulder and we trooped in to interrupt their little tête-a-tête and get breakfast.


	20. Chapter 20

_He Said_

This breakfast was possibly the best breakfast I'd had in my life. The only thing I'd change was the synthesized food. I was almost jealous when Shepard told me about her cook. Almost, because he apparently also cleaned the toilets. She sat as close to me as she could, forcing me to eat with my off hand because she'd grabbed mine under the table and was holding it tightly, our fingers intertwined. Members of her team and my crew slowly joined us, but I let her keep my hand, her slender, strong fingers warm in mine. Quite simply, I didn't care. However, it was mostly her team surrounding us, so I doubt my crew added two and two together.

It was tough separating and I resisted the urge to give her a quick kiss. We weren't fraternizing, technically, but it would still have been unprofessional. She smiled as if she understood as I left. We were leaving Illium later that day, and I had a lot of things to do to get us ready to ship out. Shepard had mentioned at breakfast some sort of appointment with Liara and a volus broker.

As I stood and worked on the course my navigator had handed me to look over, her cat-suited second in command, Miranda Lawson, entered the CIC with the statuesque asari from Shepard's team. Lawson seemed to be tense and all but tapping her foot. I went back to going over my work until I heard the click of heels on the metal deck and looked up. My mouth went dry and I was very glad there was a console in front of me.

Shepard emerged from below decks, her chestnut hair pinned back and up in something complicated and professional-looking. She carried a jacket over her arm, but wore a sleeveless white lace shell that was barely opaque and clung to her torso, highlighting her breasts and every fluid muscle under her skin. The skirt she wore wasn't much better, a black pinstriped, skin-tight, calf-length pencil skirt slit up her thigh and stockings with the seams up the back and sky-high black stiletto pumps on her small feet. I caught a hint of lace at the apex of the slit in her skirt and realized she was wearing thigh highs. I suddenly didn't really care what course we plotted to get out of here. I wanted to grab her and take her back to my cabin.  _Maybe she'd put my dress shirt back on over those thigh highs?_

She said something to Lawson and caught me staring at her. Her smile was slow and knowing. I felt an answering one tug at the corners of my mouth. Shepard walked over and I turned to face her as she climbed the dias to where I stood in front of the galaxy map. She quickly changed her expression to one of professional intent, but still had that twinkle in her eye that meant she was up to something, "I'll need to meet with you later, Commander, when I've returned from my meeting." She slipped on her jacket and my eyes dropped involuntarily to the movement of her breasts under the thin fabric.  _Was she even wearing a bra under that?_  I wrenched my eyes back up to her face and nodded, not trusting my voice. I wouldn't do to be seen undressing a Spectre with my eyes. "I'll see you at 1900 hours, then, Commander." That was an hour after we were scheduled to leave Nos Astra.

She winked at me and left my ship, swaying her hips the whole way to the airlock. I wanted to pound my head on my console. The assassin Thane Krios, Tali'Zorah and Jacob Taylor left shortly after she did, all three armed to the teeth. I could feel Taylor's and Krios' own biotic resonance in the back of my teeth. I wanted so much to be out there, at her back.

But meeting her later was still in the forefront of my thoughts and I wrenched them away from it. There was no way in hell I was going to be concentrating the rest of the day if I thought about it further. I realized every male eye, and a few of the female, had followed the path of those swaying hips to the airlock. I was briefly torn between jealousy and a primitive surge of possessive pride. My LT turned bright red realizing I'd caught him looking at her and he spun to immediately pretend he was working. I grinned and went back to work, myself.

I'd finished everything I could do to prepare for departure. The rest was up to my crew. I'd talked to Joker this morning and I thought we were square, or at least I wasn't still angry at him. It was time for another conversation I'd been dreading.

Garrus Vakarian had been with Shepard and me on almost every mission during the hunt for Saren. He'd barely spoken more than two words to me since I'd been assigned to help her find their ship. It was time to rectify that.

I found him in a quiet corner of my cargo hold, stripping and cleaning his sniper rifle. Of course, what else would he be doing? "Vakarian, you have a minute?"

He glanced up at me, his cheekplates widened in a smirk. I realized I'd unconsciously mimicked Shepard's usual conversation opener and grinned back. He set the sight down that he'd been polishing and looked at me, "What do you need, Commander?"

Formality, that should make this go easier. "I, uh, wanted to ask you about . . ." I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly.

"Spit it out, Alenko."

I took a deep breath, "Why did you join Cerberus?"

He looked at me, his eyes harder than I remembered. "I didn't join Cerberus. I joined Shepard."

"You were there when we found all those experiments. How did you . . . get around that?" He was still looking at me as if I were deficient.

"I didn't. But no one else would back her up. No one. You were there, Alenko. You saw what they did to her after she died! And I thought humans had respect for the dead! Don't you have a saying about that?" He stood up, angry, now. His brow ridges drawn low over his eyes, his cheekplates held tightly to his face.

"'Don't speak ill of the dead.' I know the saying, Vakarian. I thought you'd gone back to C-Sec." I muttered, pinching the bridge of my nose.

He stared to pace in the small area he'd claimed to clean his weapons. We were surrounded by equipment crates and supply crates, with only the gap we'd both entered through as a break. He was using another pair of short crates as a table and chair to maintain his weapon. "Heh, C-Sec. How the hell could I stay on there when, at every turn, the Alliance and the Council were saying how she was crazy, gullible or stupid." He turned to glare at me, "How the hell did you tolerate it?"

"I didn't. Why the hell do you think I got myself reassigned to Anderson and let him put me to work out in the colonies?"

He nodded at me in something like approval, then frowned, his cheekplates flaring slightly and his brow ridges drawing together. "You should have fought for her, Alenko."

I shook my head, "I'm an L-2, Garrus. Suspect at the best of times. If they weren't desperate at the time, I wouldn't have been given command of this ship. You know this, Vakarian. Turians don't like biotics any more than humans do. If I'd spoken up, I'd have been dismissed and possibly institutionalized, if not court martialed."

"I'm not a very good turian, Alenko." He turned back away from me and continued, "I left C-Sec. I don't know if it was the bottle I crawled into after she died, or just plain stupidity on my part, but I got it into my head that I needed to right a few wrongs in the galaxy to honor her. I ended up on Omega, built a team and was making life difficult for some mercs before I was betrayed."

He turned back and crossed his arms, staring at me. "I was holed up in a shithole apartment with my team in body bags and surrounded by three of the biggest merc outfits on the station after me. I thought I was hallucinating when I saw her come over that bridge."

"Wait, she found you?" A surge of jealousy I wasn't very proud of ran through me. For a brief moment I wanted to punch the turian in front of me.

"She didn't know it was me. When I'd left C-Sec, I erased myself. I didn't want to be found." He looked away, "She pointed out to me later that I'd gone there to die. And I think she was right. I don't remember being that coherent, however, I just didn't want to be found." He cleared his throat, "The Illusive Man had given her the dossier of someone who was a 'tactical genius,' and a sniper. She had no name and no clue it was me."

I felt mollified, but not by much, "So then what happened?" _Vakarian a tactical genius?_

He shrugged, "She came in and kicked their asses. It was almost like we'd planned the thing with me as bait instead of just taking our opportunities where they lay." He looked at me, steadily, "It was Shepard, Alenko. She was pretty badly scarred up, but it was her."

"Speaking of scars," I asked and gestured along my jawline, "What happened there?"

The turian barked a short laugh, and touched the side of his face that seemed to be held together by bandages and cybernetics, "The Blue Suns almost won. I did something stupid and tried to catch a rocket in my teeth."

I winced, "I guess Dr. Chakwas hasn't lost her touch?"

He laughed again, "She's had more than enough practice patching this crew together since we joined Shepard to get a license to treat every species in the galaxy. I don't know how she keeps it all straight." He nodded, then, "But yes, Dr. Chakwas put me back together."

"So, you joined Shepard, not Cerberus," I repeated for him, going back on topic.

"Yes, though I was so glad to have her around again, if she'd joined Cerberus wholeheartedly, I probably would have, too. I'm glad she didn't. They were very unhappy about her decision to leave, though." He grinned.

I returned it, "I can't believe she stole their ship."

"I can. She's still Shepard, but death changed something for her, Alenko. She's more ruthless than she used to be. More cold. She's driven to stop the Reapers at all costs. If it costs us all our lives, she'd do it and consider the price more than fair."

I frowned, that didn't sound like the Shepard I remembered, though I could see how her recent mission could have changed her. "What are you getting at, Vakarian?"

He looked away as if trying to find the words, "She confessed to Tali and to me, once, that the Prothean nightmares were getting worse, especially now that she had her own death to add to them. She compared herself to someone named, 'Cassandra,' once. But wouldn't clarify."

My stomach knotted in sympathy for her; I could definitely see the parallel. "Cassandra was a prophet, a seeress, in an ancient civilization back on Earth. She was the beloved of a god, but spurned his attentions. As punishment, he made her the most accurate prophetess ever, but cursed her so that no one would believe her. She foresaw the destruction of her home, Troy, by an enemy force and couldn't get anyone to listen to her to evacuate or prevent it."

"How was Troy destroyed?"

I rubbed my chin, "Strangely, it was very similar to how the Citadel nearly got destroyed by Saren and Sovereign. The opposing army gave the gods a gift after a siege of several months to signify their withdrawal and to sacrifice for a good voyage home. The citizens brought the large wooden horse into the city, as the invaders suspected they would. Unbeknownst to them, several of the enemy soldiers were hidden inside and when night fell and the celebration was over, they opened the gates to the enemy. Troy was burnt to the ground." Shepared had told me once that the protheans had visited Earth when we were still living in caves. If it weren't for the fact that they'd found the remains of Troy a century ago, I'd be wondering if the story wasn't an allegory planted by prothean refugees to warn us. But then, the  _Illiad_  had started as a bet between gods. Were the protheans those gods?

"What happened to Cassandra?"

"No one knows. She was either taken as a spoil of war, or killed." We looked at each other, grimly.

Several hours later, we were nearly complete with our departure preparations and essentially just waiting for Shepard and her team to return. The VI announced Shepard's arrival at the airlock and I stepped down from the dias to greet her and her team. Krios, Tali, and Taylor entered first and I felt my stomach drop into my boots. Tali looked untouched, but Taylor and Krios were both bleeding from multiple wounds and leaning heavily on each other. Tali held Shepard's jacket to Taylor's stomach. Samara followed, her usual grace hampered by a vicious wound in her calf and her stomach, but she seemed to be walking, at least. If it was possible, my stomach dropped farther. "Shepard?"

Tali's mask turned in my direction, "She's coming." Her voice was irritated and very unhappy. My alarm must've shown on my face because she continued, "She's fine." Tali returned to helping Taylor make it to the elevator. Krios stumbled in on his own and they held it for Samara to catch up. As the elevator closed on the injured commandoes, I turned at the sound of my airlock opening. Shepard stalked in on her skyscraper heels, her hair a mess, her white lace shirt ripped and filthy. Her skirt was ripped a few more inches higher, what wasn't singed shorter. I thanked whatever deity was listening she didn't seem to have any wounds. She had her hand to her ear and was shouting commands into her comm.

"What the hell happened?" I demanded.

She ignored me and snapped into her comm., "Garrus! Get your ass ready to go planetside. Cerberus fucking struck again!"

The turian's voice came through the unit, "I just saw the ground team. I'll be ready and meet you at the airlock in fifteen."

"Shepard!" I nearly shouted. She finally turned to look at me. Her face was the mask of command I remembered so well from the hunt for Saren. Her blue eyes blazed and her whole body was rigid. Her lips were set in a thin line and I felt a small surge of sympathy for whoever got on her bad side. "What. Happened?"

Her eyes were hard and cold as space, "Get suited up and meet me at the airlock in fifteen and I'll tell you." She continued in her path to the elevator, my crew scrambling to get out of the angry Spectre's way.

"Shepard! We are slated to leave in three hours!" I told her.

"Not without Miranda, we aren't." The elevator closed.


	21. Chapter 21

_He Said_

Vakarian, Shepard and I were armed to the teeth and rushing to a mission somewhere. The major difference was that despite Shepard and I having renewed at least the sexual part of our relationship, there was still that unquestioning trust between her and the turian she still didn't seem to have for me. Again, I had to crush the flare of jealousy. After all, couldn't say I trusted her completely, either, yet. It made the fact that we resumed our physical relationship a questionable decision.

That didn't mean I didn't enjoy watching her ass as she trotted in front of me, though I did miss the old armor she used to wear when I'd served that year with her. Form fitting, curve hugging . . . It had been less armor than body suit back then. And extremely distracting. This stuff was actual armor. It was still fun to watch her run in, though, especially with those two little circular pads on each cheek.

I forced myself to stop watching Shepard's ass and pay attention to my surroundings. It was just like old times, running, heavily armed and armored, through a city with either civilians giving us a wide berth or staring or both. Except I wasn't the outsider, then. Vakarian was. I carefully shelved that thought. Thinking like that would get one or all of us killed. I wasn't about to lose Shepard again.

She led us to the taxi stand and without being asked, Garrus started the car and Shepard took care of the rental fee. I climbed into the back seat and wondered how she was going to sit down with that nuclear device she had strapped to her back. I leaned forward and asked, "Has she ever used that thing?"

Vakarian looked at me in the rear view mirror, "What thing?"

"The portable nuke on her back?"

The turian's cheekplates flared in a grin, "She took out a Reaper with it."

"How the hell did she manage that?"

"It wasn't easy. We really had to work at it." Shepard got into the car as he said that and laughed.

"It was quite a bit tougher than taking down three merc groups by your lonesome,  _Archangel_."

Vakarian groaned, "Give it a rest already, would you?"

"Nope, it's too priceless." Shepard must have caught my confused expression. "They were calling him that on Omega." She looked at the Infiltrator, "You told him about Omega, right?"

As he nodded in reply, I hid my grin behind my hand, "'Archangel,' seriously?"

Vakarian glared at me in the rearview mirror, "Go ahead, get it out of your system, Alenko."

I took my hand away from my mouth, "No, sorry, I'm with Shepard on this, it's too priceless." Shepard rewarded my quip with a long peal of laughter at her (our?) friend's expense.

The turian sighed, "I couldn't go around announcing who I was, you know. And when the humans I helped started calling me that, I didn't exactly correct them." He sounded upset and I remembered him saying something about his team in body bags. The urge to tease him further about the nickname went away. Shepard patted the turian's shoulder sympathetically. We rode to our destination in silence. I don't know if they were uncomfortable, but I certainly felt it.

We stopped at Dock 78 and Shepard immediately took cover behind a crate, Vakarian dove behind another nearby one. I crouched next to Shepard as she called to the turian, "Doesn't this look familiar?"

Vakarian craned his neck to look around and quickly ducked back down at the hail of bullets. "Heh, figures. Cerberus isn't even original in its abductions."

Shepard caught my curious look, "I'll tell you later. Long story." She launched a Singularity and Vakarian carefully drew aim with his sniper rifle. The sound of the powerful weapon going off was familiar and deafening. I had no time to worry about what they were doing. I leaned around the crate and began firing back, throwing my own Warp fields and my own Overloads at the mercs' shields and armor.

And then, Shepard did something surprising. She motioned with a new mnemonic, one I'd never seen before and one of the Cerberus soldiers arced her back and screamed in agony. Shepard glowed with a brilliant red light and a final shot from Vakarian put the woman out of her misery. She was also the last of the enemies that had attacked us. Gun at the ready, I advanced, looking for more that might be hidden. Shepard and Vakarian scooped up every unused heat sink they could find. When she stood even with me, I demanded, "What the hell did you do to that soldier?"

She holstered her pistol and looked at me, startled. "What are you talking about?"

"She screamed… she died… you glowed red. What did you do?"

"Oh, that. That was something Samara taught me. It uh, regenerates my health at the expense of their shields, armor and their health." She met my eyes, her own colder than I'd seen them yet.

"But . . . it's torture!" I protested.

She just looked at me, disappointment crossing her beautiful face. "Are we going to have a problem, Alenko?"

I holstered my pistol, suddenly afraid I didn't really know her after all, "I don't know. It was startling, to say the least."

Vakarian walked past, slinging his sniper rifle over his shoulder and shaking his head. I glared at him and looked back at Shepard who was looking at me sadly. "I'm sorry you don't like it, Alenko. It's kept me alive more times than I can count. If they suffer, they don't do it for very long."

I rubbed the back of my neck, I really didn't want to fight with her right now, or ever, for that matter. "I understand. I don't like it, but I understand."

She just shook her head at me and walked past the turian and me to take point, like she always did. It was a repulsive power, but if it saved her life, could I really argue? "Look, I wasn't happy when she learned it either. Makes my skin crawl, that is the saying, right? But she doesn't use it too often and they're going to die anyway," Vakarian told me quietly, his voice pitched too low for Shepard to hear. "It really works well against husks. Strips their armor off in one shot."

"Yeah, that's the saying. Wait, you've been fighting  _armored_  husks?" I stumbled in my surprise, but regained my footing quickly.

"The Collectors improved them."

That made me stop in my tracks, "You've got to be kidding me."

He stopped to look back at me. "Nope. They upgraded them. Believe me, that ability has saved all our asses several times over. I don't care if it causes pain, it works."

Armored husks. As if the original kind weren't bad enough. "I'll, uh, keep that in mind." It was a horrid ability, but I could see its uses and knew she'd use it wisely, no matter what. I needed to apologize to her.

Shepard was waiting for us at a locked door up ahead, but before I could offer to hack it for my usually technology impaired love of my life, she flared open her Omni-Tool and with a few quick taps, she'd unlocked the door. I'd never felt so turned on when she wasn't wearing one of my shirts. Vakarian went through the door first, and I leaned close to her ear as I passed, "That was incredibly hot." She looked at me, her blue eyes wide. I winked at her and she grinned. She could now pick electronic locks. What else had she learned since her resurrection?

We were attacked several more times on the way to find Miranda. The three of us developed a rhythm, almost as if we'd never stopped fighting together. Mine and Vakarian's Overload, and then my Warp, Shepard's odd ability, and a well-placed sniper shot wiped out most of the mercs who stood in our way. A few Singularities from Shepard and we really had no trouble whatsoever.

Shepard glanced at the turian from where we were crouched behind crates again, "Something's not right."

"I know what you mean. They're going down too easy." He peered through his sniper scope at the few still left standing.

"What the hell are you talking about? How is this going down too easy?" I demanded, checking the calibrations on my pistol.

Shepard smiled at me, "Trust us, this is too easy."

Vakarian rumbled, "I'll bet you a round of drinks at Afterlife that we'll run into at least two YMIR Mechs before we find Miranda."

Shepard shook her head. "No bet. Besides, you still owe me a round from our last bet."

"What was that?" I asked, looking around the edge of the crate to see if I could see anyone moving around.

"I bet her Jack was still going to try to kill Miranda before we got back to the Citadel. She bet me she wouldn't. And Miranda's still alive, so, Shepard won and I owe her."

Shepard snorted and threw a Singularity over the side of the crate, yanking a merc into its field. "That's not the only one you owe me, Garrus."

The sniper rifle fired, taking off the merc's head that had been sucked into the vortex. "Nope, you cheated on the last one."

I laughed at Shepard's indignant expression and threw another Warp field at a merc who thought he could sneak up on us. "Shepard? Cheat? Never." She stuck her tongue out at me and I told her, winking, "Only show me that if you're going to use it."

Her smile widened and she laughed. She leaped over the crate, crouched low and started advancing, her pistol held out at the ready. Vakarian and I followed her. My HUD showed no contacts, but it was always better to be safe than sorry. We made it to the next elevator without being attacked again.

"I'm getting tired of fighting through shipping ports," Vakarian muttered, lining up a shot on a mech that was backing up a merc. The mech's metal head exploded.

"You and me, both," Shepard told him. I Overloaded the merc's shields and Shepard used her frightening new ability on him. His screams filled the cargo bay until Vakarian's rifle ended them, permanently. We advanced again.

We were ambushed a few more times before we finally got to Dock 98. Shepard's 'Tool flared to life and the disembodied voice of the thing she called EDI emitted from it, "Shepard, Operative Lawson is up ahead. She is … not well, from what I can tell when I hack into the dock's security system."

Shepard's eyes closed for a moment, resignation crossing her features. "Thank you, EDI."

Vakarian looked at her, his cheekplates flaring in concern, "Oh, no, you're not. You are not going to do what I think you're going to do."

Her blue eyes flew open and Commander Shepard glared at the turian, "Don't you even think of trying to stop me. They won't kill me, but they'll kill her."

His voice was low, growling, "They'll put a damned control chip in your head, Shepard!"

Ignoring him, she told her 'Tool, "EDI, shut down for a moment, I'm transferring you to someone."

"Logging you off, Shepard."

She unclasped the narrow band that wrapped around her wrist and handed it to me. "Give this to Joker when you get back to the ship. He'll know what do with her."

"Wait, what are you going to do?" I put my hand on her arm, preventing her from walking away from me.

She looked up at me, her beautiful blue eyes swimming in unshed tears, "I'm doing what I have to do, Kaidan." She reached up and pulled my mouth down to hers. She kissed me, hard, her lips trembling against mine. I crushed her against me, suddenly understanding what she was about to do and trying to convince her with my body not to do it. Her tongue slipped in between my teeth and I entwined mine with hers, trying to memorize everything I could.

When she reluctantly pulled away, I told her, "I will find you."

Leaning her forehead against mine, she said, "I know."


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

_She Said_

I'd handed my weapons to Garrus, ordering him to stay out of sight. I had no desire to lose my Cain, or him. Kaidan followed me to help Miranda to safety. I knew I was more valuable to Cerberus than their former operative. And I suspected this whole capturing Miranda thing was a ruse to get their claws back into me. The Illusive Man's obsession with me was almost flattering when it wasn't terrifying.

Two YMIR mechs flanked a small group of soldiers in the black, white and gold armor of Cerberus stooges. I was briefly glad I hadn't bet Garrus anything. I approached with my hands up, palms out and said, "If you let her go, I'll go quietly." Miranda hung limply between two of them, her head lolling drunkenly. I couldn't see the rest of her, though. How were they keeping her under control?

One of them stepped forward, "I think you misunderstood our intentions, Commander. Our orders are for both of you."

I heard Kaidan swear behind me and his footsteps as he came to stand next to me. "Now this, I wouldn't have bet on," he muttered.

I hoped Garrus was close enough to hear us. I'd shown him how to fire the Cain, and he'd laughed at me when I'd done so since he could use anything vaguely gun-shaped. But they still had Miranda as a hostage. "Get Jack," I whispered. "Don't bring Jacob, Joker or Chakwas anywhere near this. Cerberus will want them back, too." I didn't even glance at him before I said aloud, "Fine. Don't hurt her further and I'll come quietly."

A puffy-faced man with a close-cropped grey buzz-cut stepped forward, the glow of pulse restraints in his hand. They were designed to interrupt the flow of a biotic's energy with random pulses of electromagnetism. I heard a sharp intake of breath from Kaidan. The restraints were highly illegal, considered cruel and unusual punishment for biotics. Didn't stop them from being widely used against us from the less scrupulous elements of galactic society. They probably had a set on Miranda's wrists already. I hope they hadn't had them on her for too long. Long term use could turn us both in to vegetables, which would completely defeat the purpose of The Illusive Man re-acquiring us.

Kaidan spun me to look at him, "You don't have to do this. There has to be another way." The pain in his voice brought tears to my eyes and a lump around my heart that made it hard to breathe.

"She's my friend, Kaidan. I can't let her be hurt because of me." I held out my wrists for the restraints.

"Don't do this, Avery. Please." He pulled my mouth to his, this time, kissing me with bruising force. I felt the restraints slapped on me and wrenched my mouth away, keeping the pulses from him. The first shock brought me to my knees and I was hauled roughly to my feet by the grounding tether that attached to the cuffs. I looked over my shoulder at him and saw that Garrus was standing next to him, one hand on Kaidan's shoulder, restraining him.

"Take care of him. I'll get out of th—!" I grunted as the next pulse hit me with the force of an atomic explosion in the back of my head, my implant buzzed in throughout my brain. I stumbled as they yanked me back on my feet. Garrus was holding Kaidan back with both hands. I prayed he wouldn't use a biotic attack on them. It would just cause them to retaliate and they may have a third set of restraints somewhere. This agony is something I would spare him.

I was thrown into a transport nearly on top of Miranda. She roused long enough to blink blearily at me. "Shepard? What are you-?" She grunted and her pretty eyes glazed over at the impact of a pulse from her restraints. "You should have – ugh – let me go."

I pulled myself away from her so we wouldn't share each other's shocks. I'd gotten light versions of the two she'd just had and my eyes felt crossed. "Not a chance, Miranda. I don't leave people behind who walk through hell with me." Breath hissed through my teeth as another shock bounced around my nervous system.

The muscles in her jaw worked as another pulse hit her, "Thanks, Shepard, but – ugh!—next time, don't be so – gallant."

I laughed around the next pulse, "I have a – oof! – plan, I promise."

Amusement shone around the pain in her blue eyes, "I hope it, ugh, goes better than most of your plans."

I grinned through the next shock, tears springing into my own eyes, "I promise. We'll be fine." If Kaidan did what I told him to with EDI as soon as he got back to the ship, there wouldn't be a problem. With the restraints on me, I was glad I'd had the foresight to get the 'Tool off me. EDI might have been fried since the 'Tools ran on the users' own bioelectric impulses and these things were the equivalent of a series of lightning strikes for the fragile interfaces. If they hadn't removed her 'Tool, Miranda's was probably fried.

She turned her head to look at me, "I'm sorry I didn't anticipate this."

I nodded, "Would it, ugh, make you feel better, to know that, oof! I did anticipate this?"

"Not really, no." She leaned her head back against the seat. "It doesn't excuse my failing. That damned volus!"

"He probably wasn't the volus you set the contact up with, you know. Those suits hide a multitude of sins and their voices are all synthesized."

"Not helping, Shepard."

I leaned my head back against the seat, too. "I know. Just, ugh, hang on. We won't be leaving Illium."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I am."

The ride to wherever they were taking us was long. I wondered if we'd left Nos Astra entirely. Not that it mattered. The harmless irradiated fluid I'd had Doctor Chakwas inject me with before getting into my armor could be tracked from orbit. At least, it was harmless to me with all my mechanical upgrades. I wouldn't recommend it for a non-cybernetically enhanced individual. They could track me as long as Joker got EDI to interface with the  _Concord's_  computers. I just hope they didn't scan me and find the isotope in my blood stream. They should only detect it if they knew what they were looking for, though.

Miranda and I were herded into a narrow hallway with cells on either side, before stripping me of my armor and leaving me in the thin, form fitting body suit that went underneath. The walls facing the hallway were a clear force field. I'd seen cells like this, most recently on the station called Purgatory. It was one of the few ways to imprison biotics. The shield was impervious to dark energy and the walls were usually far too thick to be broken by your average biotic. The cells were usually soundproofed.

Good thing Miranda and I were not average biotics.

The restraints were removed, but before either of us could martial a mnemonic, we were unceremoniously shoved into cells on opposite sides of the hall. The shield flared to life as I spun on my heels, prepared to fight. But the shield was impenetrable. I paced and I cursed. Miranda sat primly on her bed and crossed her legs, linking her fingers together across her knee. I got the message, it would only waste our energy to behave like caged jungle cats. I flung myself on the narrow cot and started counting ceiling tiles. Or, rather, since the whole thing seemed to be made out of overlapping solid steel, plates.

What seemed a few hours later, when my stomach was roiling in nauseated hunger, a panel slid aside in the floor and up popped a plate of steaming food, plastic utensils, and high calorie energy drink. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Miranda fall on the food like a starving lion, but I was more cautious. I approached and examined it, despite my immediate urge to just throw the food down my throat. I really didn't want to wake up on an operating table again. A wave of dizziness hit me. I had been using my biotics nearly non-stop today, after all. During the first fight when the volus broker betrayed us, and later in the rush to get to Miranda. I'd only munched a protein bar in the interim while getting the injection and climbing into my armor. I decided to risk the food. If they found us, we needed to be ready.

Jack was right. Time does go funny in a cell. I dozed at intervals and alternated with staring at Miranda and trying to read her lips as she read mine. Didn't work, there was no way to be sure whether we'd understood each other. I'm also fairly certain I just sucked at lip reading. I was bored out of my mind. Biotics would work within the cell, but not on the cell. I amused myself by sending pulses against the wall as if I were bouncing a tennis ball. I tried to make each one stronger and stronger, see how far the ricochet would travel before it dissipated. I caught Miranda watching me out of the corner of my eye and grinned. I wondered how long it would take until she decided to compete against me for the longest bounce or strongest pulse. It didn't take long.

By the time the explosions hit, Miranda and I were bouncing biotic pulses off every surface in our cells. The muffled thuds in the distance weren't easily identified at first, but when the klaxon started, Miranda and I stopped our game and simply waited. If it was our team, they'd be cutting the power to the cell block any minute now. And then we'd be free. I met Miranda's eyes. She nodded and I recognized the signs of her readying a mnemonic. I did the same, waiting.

Like clockwork, the fields dropped. And Miranda and I stepped out of our cells. "Which way?" she asked, shouting over the din of the alarm.

I shrugged. "We came in that way," I shouted back and pointed. "But do we go out the same way?"

"Depends on where our people are coming in, doesn't it?"

I jerked my thumb in the opposite direction, "Let's go that way. Maybe if we're lucky, we can find out where they might have taken the  _Normandy_."

"Good idea. Also, guns would be nice."

"Yes, they would. But we're biotics, Miranda. We're never unarmed," I grinned at her. We started walking, the hallway lit by strobing red emergency lights. We stayed alert, ready for any guards that happened to have stayed behind, not drawn away by the boarding alarms. We rounded every corner cautiously with me taking point since I was the stronger biotic. I felt naked without my armor and wondered what they'd done with it. "I don't suppose your 'Tool still works?"

She shook her head, "No, they confiscated it when they captured me. Fortunately, I'd already backed everything up last night." I spared a brief thank you to any deity listening for Miranda's anal retentive nature.

"Suddenly, I'm grateful for your efficiency." I grinned at her.

She smiled back, "Me, too."

We hunted for a map of the facility, finding nothing until we ran into an elevator. Miranda and I glanced at each other. "Up or down?" She asked.

"Eenie, meenie, miney, mo?"

She looked at me, "Cute, Shepard."

"I try. You're the one familiar with Cerberus facilities. Which way is more likely?"

Miranda shrugged, "For us to escape or to run into our people?"

I frowned. "Good point." Who was the most likely to be leading the team? Garrus, since Miranda was here and Jacob was still likely in medbay with the gut shot he'd gotten. Unless Kaidan . . . would he really try to take charge of the crazy misfits who followed me? Would they let him? Doubtful. Though I doubted Garrus would be able to leave him behind, Kaidan would have to follow the turian's orders.

I did not look forward to that conversation later.

Just to match the sinking feeling in my stomach, I said, "Let's try down."


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

_She Said_

We stepped off the elevator on the next floor down. Neither of us could guess at the meaning of the acronyms pasted over the numbers of the floors. So, on the floor I jokingly named, "Elephants Over Atlanta," we exited the car and cautiously walked down the pristine white tiled hallway.

"So, have you and the Commander patched things up yet?"

I stumbled and glared over at her. Her voice was quiet, but sound seemed to echo especially loudly in this shiny, tiled hallway. "Is this really the time to discuss this?" I hissed in a stage whisper.

She shrugged, "Something to pass the time, Shepard. If it's none of my business, just tell me."

I smirked and we both quickly ducked our heads around the corners as the hallway came to a four way junction. My hallway was empty and seemed to have only one door way in it before it ended abruptly. I glanced at Miranda and she held up her hand, showing me two fingers. I motioned for her to follow me down my hallway. Maybe we'd get lucky and our gear would be in here. It was getting a little chilly in my bodysuit. I really hoped the door was unlocked considering neither of us had our 'Tools.

Finally, a break. It was.

We opened a door and surprised a Tech. He had just enough time to shout, "What the hell?" before both Miranda and I hit him with a Warp field and he screamed as his insides tried to become outsides. He collapsed across his console, dead. I closed the door and locked it behind us. I felt bad for hitting the guy like that and tried not to think about whether he had family.

Miranda pulled the corpse off the table and told me, her accented voice cold, "Try not to feel too bad, Shepard. It seems Cerberus hired the Blue Suns to capture us."

I walked over to get a good look at the uniform. The guy wasn't wearing armor, it was just a long blue leather jacket with the white sun emblazoned on it over a white shirt and blue pants. Clearly not one of their front-line fighters. I left the jacket, since the guy was twisted around it, but made a mental note to find one that wouldn't swallow me whole if I couldn't find my armor anywhere. I was beginning to shiver. My body temp as a biotic ran high anyway due to my hummingbird metabolism. Which meant I was currently shivering.

Miranda's fingers deftly flew over the virtual keyboard in front of the console as she hacked her way through their firewalls the old fashioned way. Absently, she told me, her blue eyes glued to the screen, "See if his 'Tool still works, Shepard? I might be able to use it."

I looked down at the twisted mess that was left of the technician and gingerly moved him around until I found his wrist. Fortunately, the 'Tool was still in one piece and seemed to have been unaffected by our Warps. I peeled it off and handed it to her. She slapped it on her wrist and made a face, "Great, the model is five years old. Don't these people ever upgrade?"

"We get out of this, I'll buy you a new one, state of the art," I told her, searching the remains for any weapon the tech might have had. I finally found a black lump of plassteel with a few flickering lights were the holographic readout had been. That was entirely not useful.

While she hacked the console, I searched the room for anything we could use. Kicking open a footlocker snagged me two packs of Medigel. I wondered if we could use the stuff in this form any more or did we need my armor to use it? Miranda took a break to use her outdated Omni-Tool to hack the rather pitiful lock on another set of lockers and I rummaged through them. I finally found one of those long blue coats cut for a woman (or an asari, not that the Blue Suns hired them, but you never know). I shrugged into it and began to warm up immediately. I guess I should be grateful they left me my boots and socks. I put the Medigel in the capacious pockets. Miranda glanced at me, "You look ridiculous, Shepard."

I shrugged, "I'm warm, finally, so I don't really give a rat's ass."

"Not even if we finally run into Staff Commander Alenko?" She glanced at me sidelong, a grin playing about her full lips.

I threw up my hands, "What are you, twelve?"

She laughed, "The way Joker tells it, you two were making out in the mess."

I rolled my eyes as I searched the final object in the room, a dilapidated looking crate. "And you believe  _Joker_?"

"That's why I'm asking you…. Shepard, come here," her change in tone was abrupt and alarming. I pulled out the ration bars I'd found in the crate and checked their expiration date. They were still good and as biotics, it was only a matter of time before we needed them. I did not question why all these varied supplies were in here. I just figured our former tech had been squirreling things away for a harsh winter. So to speak.

I walked to look over Miranda's shoulder. "Security feeds?"

"Yes." The screen was divided into four parts. The upper left showed a grizzled merc crouched behind crates and returning fire with a bunch of unknown assailants. From the looks of things, he was firing blindly. The bottom right screen showed Garrus, Kaidan and Jack pinned down by a hail of bullets. "I really hope those four morons aren't firing at each other." The other two screens were empty of people and just showed more blank hallways.

"You and me both. Does it say where they are?"

Miranda snorted, "Not that I've been able to find. This is the most disorganized piece of crap security system I've ever seen. Jacob would laugh himself silly."

"Has anyone noticed your hack-job yet?"

Miranda squinted at the screen and pushed a few keys, "Nope, doesn't look like it. Got any ideas?"

"Can you use that thing to ping any of them?"

The brunette biotic frowned and pushed a few more buttons. On the upper left screen the grizzled merc's 'Tool flared to life and I saw his scar-twisted mouth spout curses. A cockney-accented voice emanated from the console, "Who the fuck is this?"

I leaned over to speak into the mic Miranda pointed to, "Your former boss, asshole."

"Shepard? Whatin'ell you doin' 'ere?"

"Escaping. Wanna come?"

"Wotchya payin'?"

I rolled my eyes at Miranda, "I count at least twenty gunmen opposite you," Miranda choked on a laugh, and I continued, "They are definitely blocking your path."

"Then it'll be a fair figh'." The screen he was shown on flickered.

"And I'd say they're bringing in their techs to overload what shields you have left."

"Ain't nothin' ever easy."

"Zaeed, you are not going to make this easy on me, are you?"

"Why'ould I go an' do that, Shepard?"

I named a figure, deliberately low. My private account would cover it, but it would put a dent in the  _Normandy_ 's repair budget. "Now that's just insultin'," he told me.

"Plus, salvage on the missions, Massani," I sighed.

He countered with another figure and ducked down to renew his shields. I offered a lower number than my first offer. "Dammit, Shepard, that's no' bargainin' works!"

"Who said I was bargaining? Oops, looks like they're through your shields," I warned him. Miranda was doubled over gasping with the effort to not laugh out loud.

"Ya go' me by the shor' and curlies, Shepard. Fine!"

"Pleasure doing business with you, Massani. Reinforcements are on their way."

"Fine, just as long as it's not that damned turian."

"I'm sorry, you're breaking up… what was that last?" And Miranda cut the transmission as she gasped for air.

"I can't believe you just did that," she told me when she got her breath back.

I grinned, "Just wait, it'll get better. Ping Garrus."

"Oh, no." But she complied and a startled turian voice came from the tinny speakers. They'd apparently gotten out of their firefight and were traveling cautiously down yet another white tiled hallway, weapons at the ready, Garrus out front. The other two stopped and turned to watch the corridor as he answered our comm.

"Shepard?"

"In the flesh. So to speak. Zaeed is, we think, one level above you and under heavy fire. Do be a dear and rescue his Cockney ass, would you?"

A flanged groan answered me, as well as Jack's fluent vulgarity, "Only if I get to shoot him, Shepard."

Both Miranda and I laughed at that one, "Nope, sorry."

"Fine, where are you? We'll find you."

I met Miranda's eyes, she shook her head. "How about we find you? No desire to be caught till I get my guns, if you catch my drift."

I saw the turian glance at Kaidan for a translation and the biotic shook his head, I couldn't tell if he was laughing or not. Garrus' voice was confused as he replied, "Affirmative, Vakarian out."

She turned off the mic and shut down the console. I looked at her, waiting for her to tell me what was going on in that designer brain of hers. "They may have been able to listen in. You never said anything that could give any of our locations away."

I nodded, "Right, and we should probably get the hell out of here in case they found the hole you punched in their security."

"Good idea."

We headed across the hall to the next two rooms, also unlocked, or at least they responded to Miranda's 'Tool. Both were empty but for some random crates and storage lockers. We found more Medigel packs and a handful of ration bars. Miranda struck gold and pocketed a pistol. She'd offered it to me, but I shook my head and tapped my temple, "I have a few more tricks up here than you do."

She nodded, "Not that this will do either of us any good without more heatsinks."

I shrugged, "How's your poker face?"

"Passable. Beat Donnelly at Scyllian Five last week."

"Not that hard to do. He really is an abysmal player." She chuckled and we both walked back out to the main hallway.

As we walked, she went back to her original question, "So, you going to answer me, Shepard?"

"Depends, what's going on with you and Mr. Taylor?"

"Touche, Shepard." We walked along in silence for a while until we found a large door breaking up the monotony of the pristine white walls.

"Do you think it's unlocked?" I asked, taking up position on the far side.

Her stolen Omni-Tool flared to life, "Looks like it. There are also four people in there."

"Shit. Any info more specific than that?"

She grimaced at the 'Tool, and tapped a few of the holographic keys, "Looks like mostly techs again. I guess all the heavy hitters have been attracted by our team or by Zaeed."

"Or they went for our cells."

"Or all of the above."

I readied the mnemonic for a Singularity and told her, "Hope our luck holds."

"You and me both, Shepard. On three?" She waited for my nod before saying, "Three!" and hitting the door open control.

Four startled techs looked up from their consoles and went for their pistols. I launched my Singularity, feeling the pull as it sucked them all off their feet. I felt Miranda flare with the telltale buzz across the back of my teeth as she threw a Warp at the lone tech that didn't get pulled into the shearing forces of the compressed air that made up a Singularity. The screams as the three techs were launched into the walls made me wince, however. The sickening crack as they impacted and slumped to the floor was no better.

When the techs were subdued, Miranda made short work of the access codes and firewalls. I searched the bodies for heatsinks and weapons. "Well, now isn't this interesting?" I heard her ask while I was retrieving a pistol and a few spare heatsinks.

"What?"

"I found a map of this place. All I need is a 'You Are Here,' dot and we're good to go."

I laughed, "Anything else?" I unhooked a passcard from one of the tech's belts. I figured it would come in handy.

A short bark of laughter met my question, "There's a price on our heads. Also, they're offering money for Jacob, Joker and Chakwas."

"But not the rest of the crew?" I straightened up.

"Nope, doesn't look like it. They're not even mentioned. Joker's bounty is almost as high as yours though. Must be his bone upgrades."

"They want their money back," I snorted.

"Maybe. You're the only one they want alive, though." She looked up at me, her expression bleak. "I never thought…" she swallowed, "I'd feel betrayed by them."

I went to my friend and put an arm around her. It was the only thing I could think to do. "I don't know what to tell you, Miranda."

She leaned her head on my shoulder, "Thanks for not telling me, 'I told you so.'"

I laughed and squeezed her shoulder and let her go. She wiped her eyes and straightened up, but a sudden thought occurred to her, "Oriana!"

"You, me and Garrus are the only ones who know where she is, Miranda. And I'd like to see them try to get that information out of one of us."

She nodded and stepped away from me. She took a deep breath and went back to hacking. "Thank you, Shepard."

"You're welcome. Anything else shocking in there, or can I go back to looting corpses?"

She chuckled, "I'll let you know what I find."


	24. Chapter 24

_He Said_

Taking orders from Vakarian was irritating. I couldn't object to anything he was actually doing, but I'd been on my own or in command myself for too long. Not to mention, I remembered him as an overly green and idealistic ex-cop. He was obviously no longer green or quite as idealistic, and gave competent orders, but still it rankled. I kept my mouth shut, however, because of the heavily tattooed, leather-shirted, tiny biotic on our flank.

Jack was a bizarre woman. Not only was she covered in tattoos, she seemed to think I kept checking her out. I almost took it personally until she did the same to Vakarian. "Dammit, Vakarian! I did NOT come on this mission to play grab-ass with you!"

I could see the turian visibly count to ten as he exhaled and shoved Jack back down behind a crate, "Then get your skinny human ass under cover when I tell you to, Jack!"

"Fine." The girl actually pouted.

When Shepard's voice came out of Vakarian's 'Tool, I felt my knees get weak for a moment in relief, only my training kept me upright and my gun pointed up the hallway, watching for an ambush. When his 'Tool closed I glanced behind me at him and he shook his head, what could only be a rueful expression on his face, "You're gonna love this guy, Alenko. Founding member of the Blue Suns."

"And she wants him alive?" I didn't even bother to hide the incredulity in my voice.

"Yes. Spirits only knows why."

Jack made a disgusted sound low in her throat, "I'd say she's gone soft, but…"

"If that's the case, why'd she let him on board in the first place." Vakarian interrupted her.

"Whatever. Shit. Lets get's moving," Jack snarled and spun to take point, her shotgun held at the ready. The scent of ozone filled the air and the small bones in my ear vibrated with a subsonic white noise as Jack flared, preparing a mnemonic. How was that girl not flying apart being that out of control?

We eventually found an elevator, strangely running into no further resistance. Vakarian stared at the panel. "All right, I give up. Which one are we on and which one is up?"

I looked at the panel. "You've got to be kidding me." There were no numbers and no display to say what floor we were on.

"What the fuck are you two staring at?" Jack demanded. She looked at the panel and snarled, "You've got to be shitting me." She held the door open and looked around outside, her full lips pressed tightly against her teeth. She glanced back in and seemingly chose one of the buttons at random and then rolled her eyes at both of us, "Men."

I rolled my eyes, "All right, where'd you see the floor indicator?"

She shoved her tattooed hand out and stopped the doors from closing, "Over the elevator door."

I stuck my head out and glanced up. We appeared to be on level, "HTA," if the writing over the door could be believed. I shrugged and got back in. "Well?" Vakarian asked.

"She's right. Can't believe we missed it." I must be more out of sorts following the turian than I'd thought. I needed to clear my head or my distraction would get us killed. Vakarian grunted, probably for the same reason. We were shown up by a teenager.

The elevator went up its one floor and when the doors opened we were greeted by a few thousand rounds of ammunition flying toward us. Throwing ourselves to the floor, we low-crawled out of the elevator. Vakarian led us to a door and we threw ourselves inside. "It would have been nice if she'd told us where on this level Zaeed was," the ex-cop muttered, pulling himself to his feet and looking around the small room.

I stood up and dusted myself off, doing the same. The room was empty except for a cheap desk and an antique-looking terminal. Jack took up a position in the doorway with Vakarian crouched on the other side of it, looking for shots with his sniper scope. "What can you see?" I asked.

"Same hallways as before. Looks like the same layout." Garrus lowered his scope to look back at me. "Why?"

"Where the hell are they shooting at us from, then?"

"There's a hallway junction a few meters away," Jack supplied. "They're shooting from around that."

"And no sign of Massani," Vakarian grumbled.

"We always did work well under pressure, Vakarian." I told him as I turned on the decrepit terminal.

"Heh, I could do without that talent, sometimes, Alenko," there was amusement in his voice.

"Would you two shut up!" Jack growled. "You're like a couple of old women!"

I laughed and broke through the shoddy firewalls to call up the schematics of the level we were on. I'd had the presence of mind to glance over the elevator door before we were shot at to find the floor designation. I stared at the holographic blueprints and downloaded them to my Omni-Tool. The ridiculously crabbed interface of the geriatric computer was useless. I flared my 'Tool to life and was finally able to make sense of the plans. "We need to go up this hall and take the branch on the left."

Vakarian took a shot with his sniper rifle and before he sought another target, he demanded, "How the hell do you know?"

"It's a warehouse. About the only place your friend can be in as much trouble as Shepard intimated and still be among the living," I told him, closing my 'Tool.

"Nice wide-open space, lots of boxes and crates," Jack said thoughtfully. "I can see that."

"That's not really going to help us get out of this, though, Jack," Vakarian muttered.

"Oh, yeah, turian? Just watch. And cover me." Before I could stop her, Jack launched herself through the door and I quickly took her place, covering her as she'd asked. The tiny girl launched herself at the hallway juncture. She threw Pull fields and Shockwaves with abandon, marking herself as an L5n. Vakarian and I took advantage of her drawing the mercs' fire and with several well-placed shots, Jack found herself in the hallway alone, her leather-clad chest heaving, her shields depleted.

I shook my head. She was crazier than Shepard. I glanced at Vakarian who seemed to be thinking the same thing. And then she disappeared around the corner. Vakarian was already moving, cursing under his breath. I started running after them. The sound of gunfire echoed in the pristine white hallway.

When I rounded the corner, I stopped and crept forward to the open doorway. Vakarian and Jack were no where to be seen in the corridor and I had to assume they'd gone through that door. I used the doorjamb for cover and peered around and into the warehouse. Apparently, we'd inadvertently stopped at pincer attempt on Shepard's position.

Vakarian had found a high perch on some crates and was using his sniper rifle to great effect. Jack had switched to her pistol and was chipping away at shields and armor to get to the point where she could use her biotics. There was grizzled older man in front of me crouched low, his scar-twisted features a mass of concentration as he mowed down the Blue Suns. The sight that made my heart stop, though, was Lawson and Shepard crouched behind a couple of crates together, hitting everything they could with Warp fields. Lawson's white catsuit was stained and ripped in a few places and Shepard had acquired a long blue trenchcoat with the Blue Suns' logo emblazoned on the back. She was completely unarmored but the sight of her was still one of the more beautiful things I'd ever seen.

I tore my eyes away from Shepard, who, after all was busy, and tried to see what I could of our opponents. My HUD told me there were easily twenty Blue Sun mercs hiding behind various crates and supportive posts in front of us. There were only six of us. Remembering Noveria and Feros and Ilos and all the other times Shepard, Vakarian and I had been outnumbered and outgunned, I almost felt sorry for the mercs.

Almost.

I saw one trying to sneak around the side while Shepard and Lawson were looking elsewhere, presumably at the captain they'd just hit with their dual Warp field, and I took aim at the sneaky bastard. I hit him with my own Warp, the biotic field surging from the mnemonic gesture that helped me direct the energy from my mutated nervous system. It always caused what felt like every hair on my body to stand on end. The merc, his armor decimated by my field, dropped at a headshot from Vakarian. "Scoped and dropped!" the turian crowed. Jack raced out of cover long enough to grab the heatsink that fell from the Blue Sun member. I grinned and looked for a better spot from which to take cover. Too many of the mercs were out of my range from the doorway.

I finally found a decent spot near Shepard and sprinted there, knowing that the small team was covering me. Shepard glanced up long enough to give me a tight grin and said, "What took you so long?"

Firing over the crates (my HUD now told me there were at least ten to fifteen more mercs than I'd originally gotten a read on), I told her, "We, uh, ran into some old friends."

"So I heard. Thanks for covering our backside." She grunted and threw a Singularity up to block the mercs' advance on hers and Lawson's left.

I grinned, "It's always a joy to cover your backside, Commander."

She laughed and then there was no more time for battlefield flirting since the Blue Suns decided to press their advantage. Apparently, they finally realized we were getting no more reinforcements and they heavily outnumbered us. Shepard began barking orders. When I realized no one could really hear her over the sound of the gunfire, and that she had no headset to speak of, I began relaying her orders to the team through my own headset. I glanced back and saw Jack conveying them to Zaeed who was apparently on a different frequency.

With Shepard taking control and my relaying of her orders, our small squad had a coherency the mercs lacked. Despite the odds, we were able to advance against the tide of blue-armored opponents and take out a few of their leaders, scooping up their dropped heatsinks along the way. Several well-placed Singularities seemed to stop them in their tracks and funnel them where we could take them out easier. Shepard's people continuously cheered each other on and boasted of their own kills over the din of battle.

I found myself sharing cover with Shepard the next time we advanced. "We need to stop meeting like this," she told me.

I laughed and shot someone trying to creep up on us. Shepard flared red and the merc I'd shot screamed in agony as she used that terrible ability of hers. I refrained from reacting, though I wanted to shudder. "I'd prefer to have met on a tropical beach somewhere, but no, you had to go and get captured."

She grinned. "That sounds like fun. What else did you have in mind, Commander?"

"Swimming in a large non-man-made body of water." I fired at a bad guy trying, yet again, to sneak up on us.

Shepard bent her over backwards with a Warp field. "With or without suits?"

I grinned, "Both."

"You're on, Commander. Let's clean up these assholes, first."

It didn't take long after that to wipe up the rest of the stragglers. Without their leadership, which Shepard had ordered taken out first, the rest of the mercs had little to no coordination and just threw themselves into our range, determined to take us out by any means necessary.

When my HUD registered no further Blue Suns, I told Shepard, "Negative enemy contacts, Commander." We both stood up to survey the warehouse we'd just fought through. The floor was littered with corpses and debris from exploded crates and fuel tanks. Jack and the scarred Massani pushed forward and began to loot everything they could carry. I met Shepard's blue eyes and I could see the relief in them. Had she actually doubted our survival or her escape? She stepped backward behind a taller crate and used my armor to yank me to her. Her free hand reached up to the back of my neck and her fingers entwined in my sweat-dampened hair. She pulled my head down to press her lips against mine. I reciprocated by wrapping my arms around her, under that ridiculous coat, cradling her close and pushing my tongue into her mouth to taste her. It hit me then, how close I'd come to losing her again and I kissed her with a bit more force that I normally would have. She didn't seem to mind as she returned the kiss with interest.

Vakarian cleared his throat behind me, "We're not out of this yet, Commanders. The reunion's a bit premature."

Shepard pulled her mouth away from mine reluctantly, but didn't let go of me. "He's right."

"I know."

"I did find out where to go for the _Normandy_. Or at least the next most likely place." She unwrapped herself from around me and I let her go, my hands wanting to linger on her unarmored body.

"Good." I felt a pang of reluctance, though. When she found her ship, she'd leave mine.

"Let's get the hell out of this base," Vakarian interjected.


	25. Chapter 25

_He Said_

Of course, leaving the base wouldn't be that easy. We'd made it to the roof, the stiff wind at this altitude bringing us the smells of a city just going to sleep. The wind would make firing at the mercs were between us and our car difficult, we would have to adjust our aim. At a word from their leader, who seemed to be wearing the cleanest and least used armor I've seen so far, the Blue Suns opened fire and we scattered for cover.

Shepard and I ended up crouched behind a ventilation duct, nearly on top of each other. There really wasn't room for both of us behind the metal shaft, but the mercs seemed to concentrate their fire on our position, probably because they recognized Shepard.

"Shepard!" The batarian that seemed to be the leader shouted. I hate it when I'm right, sometimes.

Leaning on me and her face set in one of the angriest expressions I'd ever seen her wear, she shouted, "What the hell do you want?"

"You and that Cerberus bitch come quietly and we'll let your friends go!"

Shepard glanced at me, shaking her head, then shouted, "I don't negotiate with terrorists!"

The batarian laughed, "I'm no terrorist, I'm a businessman! Your bounty will increase my profit margin a great deal!"

"Like we give a shit about your profit margin!" Jack shouted.

The mercs' answer to that was to open fire again. Jack's and Massani's shouted curses were audible from our position as they fired back. Vakarian kept up a rapid rate of fire with his sniper rifle. Lawson did her best to cover the turian while he stood out from cover to get a few of the more difficult mercs. Shepard and I simply kept our biotics in constant, rapid use, barely waiting for our amps to cool down in between. We were both low on heatsinks, and I'm not sure the others had too many left either. My conclusion was confirmed when Jack shouted, "Son of a bitch!" and holstered her weapon. All we had were our biotics, whatever tech Vakarian, Lawson and I could cook up, and Zaeed's assault rifle.

It was apparently all we really needed. The Blue Suns, despite their leader being among them and shouting orders, had no coherence in their attack and didn't manage to coordinate anything. We advanced as they fell back and we managed to collect enough fallen heatsinks that our guns were useful again.

Shepard cornered the batarian captain whose shields and armor were down to nothing, according to my HUD. She held her pistol out and advanced on him. He scrambled backward, hunting for more cover, but the grizzled merc Massani was suddenly behind him, his assault rifle's muzzle pressing into the back of the alien's head. The batarian's eyes, all four of them, glanced up at me and then behind me to Vakarian, "Turian! What are you doing with this human scum!"

Vakarian's voice sounded amused, "You're human, Alenko? I hadn't noticed! Why didn't you tell me?" I checked my HUD quickly and realized he was behind me, facing outward, and Jack and Miranda were doing the same, all covering us in case of another ambush. Shepard never even ordered them to do it.

"I don't know… I didn't even realize you were a turian! Why didn't  _you_  tell  _me_?" I demanded, my gun still trained on the merc leader.

Shepard hit him with the butt of her pistol and shouted, "Enough! Where's the bounty coming from!"

"Go to hell, bitch." The alien's four eyes were narrowed at Shepard. She hit him again and he spat blood onto the concrete.

"Wrong answer," Shepard growled. This time, Massani hit him in the back of his bulbous head. "You going to cooperate or am I going to have ask a lot less nicely?" She demanded.

The batarian spat more blood onto the concrete. "Do your worst."

Shepard rolled her eyes in my direction, "Do all batarians automatically sound like B-vid villains?"

I had to laugh at that, "Only those we seem to meet."

She holstered her pistol. "Grab him. Let's go."

We stowed the batarian in the floor of the passenger cabin of the shuttle where we could all keep an eye on him. Massani kept his rifle trained on him constantly. I sat next to Shepard on the way back to the Concord. I took off my gloves and hooked them through my belt and her small hand slid down until her slender fingers laced through mine and our palms touched. Our hands were between us on the bench, but I doubt we fooled anyone. Lawson sat across from us with Massani and Jack. Vakarian was on Shepard's other side. She scooted closer to me and I caught her smile at me out of the corner of my eye. I had to smile back.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, you two are nauseating." Jack snarled, her arms crossed under her breasts.

Shepard leaned her head on my shoulder. "What's your point?" I chuckled.

"Get a room." The convict made a gagging noise.

"Oh, we will. Believe me." I told her and laughed again. She rolled her eyes. Still smiling, I looked down at Shepard and with my free hand, plucked at the sleeve of the blue faux-leather coat. "Why are you still wearing this?"

She shrugged. "Because I'm still cold?"

"Oh, you weren't wearing it to blend in?"

She raised her head and gave me a level look, "Did I honestly blend in even with this on?"

I shook my head, "No, I guess not."

She snorted and leaned back against the shuttle's bulkhead, "All I have on underneath is my bodysuit for under my armor. I know we found it back in that base, but there wasn't time to change. I'm not stripping down and running the hookups in here, if I don't have to." She lifted an eyebrow at me, catching my appraising look. She laughed and shook her head, "Alenko, you're incorrigible."

"I try."

Leaning her head back, she turned to look at Jack, "Don't suppose you have any ration bars in your pockets. Miranda and I are running on empty."

Jack glared at her, her full lips twisting in irritation, "Fine, Shepard." She wriggled around and her hands disappeared into a pair of pockets and pulled out four bars. She handed one to Shepard, then Miranda. I was surprised to see her hold one out to me, too. My surprise must have shown since the tiny vanguard shrugged and told me acerbically, "Don't get used to it. You kicked ass back there, boyscout."

I felt Shepard's shoulders shake against me in amusement. "That he did, Jack. But then, he always does." She turned her head to look at me and I felt my face heat at her frank regard. I ducked my head and looked away, slightly embarrassed by how much I just wanted to be alone with her. Unabashedly, she leaned her head on my shoulder, again, and we rode the rest of the way to the Concord, letting the banter of the team wash over us as we sat quietly, relieved to be together again.

I was still in my armor and headed to change out of it when my lieutenant stopped me to give me a report. Taylor was nonchalantly standing at a console, looking at something. But his posture was rigid and his eyes roamed over my crew without seeming to, giving the lie to his actions at the console. Harrington jerked his head in the former-Cerberus Lieutenant's direction. "He's been up here since Cardones released him. I feel like he's . . . babysitting me." Taylor peeled off the wall to follow when Shepard passed him, nodding vaguely in my direction, his arm still crossed over his stomach as if he were still in pain. Which he probably was. They all entered the elevator, the batarian prisoner in tow, and Shepard met my eyes and winked. I shook my head slightly at her, trying not to grin.

I turned my attention back to my XO. "I doubt he was babysitting you, Harrington. He was probably just worried about his commander."

"If you say so, sir." The younger man cleared his throat. "Admiral Hackett would like to speak with you as soon as possible."

Inwardly, I groaned. Unless Shepard hadn't shared something with me, which, to be honest there hadn't been time to share information, we had no leads on the Normandy at all. I nodded at Harrington, "Please send Ensign Wheaton to ask the Spectre to join me in the comm. room at her earliest possible convenience." I knew that particular phrase would get her moving sooner. Nothing good ever came from hearing that phrase.

The lieutenant nodded sharply and we separated. I headed for the comm. room, opting to wait to change out of my armor. If Hackett contacted me this far out of Citadel Space, he really needed to speak with me. I just hoped he wouldn't order us to turn back. I was, however, afraid he would. I debated on waiting for Shepard to join me, but just in case Hackett wouldn't want her to hear what he had to say at first, I decided to go ahead and talk to him first. I told the pilot, Villareal, to set up the comm.

As I waited, I stood in the middle of the round room at parade rest, thinking. About Shepard. I knew there were things we hadn't yet resolved between us, but I had faith we would, eventually. The two years I'd been without her seemed to have melted away. The attempts to get over her had been futile. I hadn't been lying, or exaggerating, when I'd told her she made me feel human. For an L2 biotic, reviled, shunned, suspected of instability, she had made me feel human for the first time since I'd been hauled off to Brain Camp. Villareal's soprano voice interrupted my thoughts, "Admiral Hackett for you, sir."

"Admiral Hackett? Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko. You wanted me to contact you?"

The admiral's rasping voice came through the speakers above the view screen, "Yes, Commander, I did. I have new orders for you." My heart sank somewhere in my stomach. "We're recalling all Alliance ships, Commander. We have intel that something big is on the horizon and we need all ships back with Fifth Fleet."

I rubbed my forehead, "Can you tell me what's going on?"

"I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to say, Commander. Just bring your ship and her people back home."

"What about Shepard's mission?"

"The Alliance regrets the loss of the technology aboard the  _Normandy_ , but the Spectre's mission will have to be carried out some other way. While we appreciate everything Commander Shepard has done for the Alliance and in the line of duty, she is no longer an Alliance soldier. She is a Council Spectre. She's required to be resourceful and independent. She'll have to complete her mission on her own. Fifth Fleet out."

"That goddamned son of a bitch!" Shepard swore behind me and I spun around. She had taken the time to change out of the body suit and put on a tight black t-shirt and black cargo pants tucked into her boots. She started pacing. "He wouldn't tell you what he was recalling you for, did he?"

"He said he wasn't at liberty to say."

"Which meant you weren't at liberty to know, or he thought I would somehow find out what he told you and he didn't want me to know."

Part of me told me she was right, but I couldn't give in to paranoia and supposition in regards to the Alliance. "I doubt that. He may have suspected the security of the channel we were communicating on."

She gave me a frustrated look, "Give me a break, Alenko. The Alliance's encryption has yet to be broken. I wouldn't be surprised if they were still using Navajo as the base. He could have told you the President's underwear size and been confident Al-Jilani would never find it out!"

"Shepard, we'll figure this out. I'll help you find another way to get the  _Normandy_  back."

She stopped pacing and stared at me. An odd light entered her eyes, "That ship is key, Alenko, to keeping the Reapers out of the Milky Way! I need it!"

I crossed over to her and gently grasped her upper arms, "I promise you, I'll find a way out of this. Maybe I can comm. Anderson. Or talk to him when we get back to the Citadel."

She stepped away from me, her blue eyes hard, the odd light still shining from within them. "You do that. In the mean time, my people and I will figure this out, too. After all, anything you do to help us would be treason at this point."

Alarm bells went off in my head, "Shepard, don't do anything you'll regret."

"I won't. Sleep well, Kaidan."

I frowned at her, "You're not . . . ."

She shook her head, slightly. "No, I'll be in meetings with my team most of the night. We need to discuss if we'll get off here on Illium and take our chances with finding new transportation, or if we're better off going back to the Citadel with you."

"All right." I tried to keep the disappointment out of my voice. "I'll see you in the morning then?"

She smiled at me, "Of course. And thank you for everything, Alenko."

She turned and left. I felt deafened by the alarm bells ringing in my ears. She was planning something, but I didn't know what. I regretted she didn't trust me enough to let me in on what she was thinking. But the trust Cerberus had broken for us would take a long time to heal.

It had taken forever for me to fall asleep, and when I did, I dreamed of the fanatic light in Shepard's eyes. It had scared me more than I cared to admit. The intercom crackled to life and emitted Shepard's contralto voice. I sat bolt upright in bed, my heart beginning to pound at what I was hearing. "Attention, remaining crew of the  _Concord_. By the power vested in me by the Citadel Council, a governing body the Alliance agreed to abide by with various treaties, I am commandeering this ship for the purposes of my mission. If you can hear my voice, we've decided you're necessary to the running of this ship. You will be released to fly the  _Concord_  back to Citadel Space upon the completion of my mission. Spectre Commander Shepard out."

I flung back the sheets and not caring that I was in only my boxer shorts, I ran to my door and attempted to open it. Nothing. I grabbed my Omni-Tool and tried every trick I knew to break the lock down.

The door stood locked and silent, mocking me.


	26. Chapter 26

_She Said_

"Are you sure about this, Shepard?" Garrus asked, his flanging voice lowered in concern.

I sat on a crate in the cargo hold, dressed in the black pants and shirt I'd gone up talk to Alenko in. "Am I sure about mutinying? Hell, no. Am I sure we need the  _Normandy,_  yes. Do I regret taking over this ship? No."

Tali made an exasperated noise through her breather, "That's not what he's talking about, Shepard. Are you sure it's a good idea to talk to  _him_  right now?"

I looked up at my friend, "He's not going to get any calmer. In fact, the more I delay, the more pissed off he'll get."

"You're probably right, Shepard. But you're in no condition to go in there and talk to him calmly," Garrus pointed out.

"That's probably best, don't you think? I shouldn't be calm about stealing the man's ship out from under him." I wiped at my eyes, glad I wasn't wearing eye make up for once. "Hell, it's bad enough I'm going to have to ask Liara for help since the Alliance has just shortened our timeline."

"It will hardly help matters any if you both start shouting, short timeline or not," Tali reminded me.

I scrubbed my face with both hands and stood up. "Talking about it isn't making it any easier. Time to go beard the lion in his den."

"Time to do what in the what?" Garrus asked.

I laughed, short and choppy, "Human idiom, means I'm going to go do something very difficult and possibly dangerous." I headed to the elevator. Before I got there I turned back to them, "No matter what you hear, don't interrupt. I don't imagine he'll be glad to see me."

Tali huffed out a breath, " _Keelah_ , Shepard, I wouldn't be either."

I arrived outside the captain's quarters to find Legion standing guard as I had ordered. The geth gestalt was most likely to be able to counter Kaidan's hacking attempts, I'd reasoned. I may have been overestimating him, but I'd never been dumb enough to think the Staff Commander's laconic exterior was the result of an ineffective mind.

"Shepard-Commander," the geth flared his eye plates at me, "Alenko-Commander ceased his efforts at hacking through the door 600.3345 seconds ago."

I did the math and guessed he gave up about ten minutes before I'd arrived. "Thank you, Legion. Open the door and don't open it again until I say so."

"Acknowledged, Shepard-Commander."

The door cycled open onto the dimly lit quarters and I stepped through it and heard it shut behind me. A blue flare of biotics in the far corner hurt my adjusting eyes and buzzed behind my teeth and I blinked. In my hesitation, I missed dodging his warp field. I fell to my knees, trying to hold myself together, and clenched my teeth against a scream. "Kaidan," I gasped out. The field instantly released and I collapsed on all fours, gasping for air. "Kaidan, I know you don't want to talk to me, but I have to talk to you."

"Get out, Shepard." I hadn't heard his voice that cold since Horizon.

I hauled myself to my feet, grunting in pain. "No. You need to hear me."

"What, that this was all part of your plan to get another ship for Cerberus?"

Clutching my stomach muscles that still didn't seem to want to go back in place, I stared at his still-glowing form in the shadows. "I am not working for Cerberus!"

He advanced, shoving a table out of his way. "It sure as hell looks like it to me! You stole my  _ship_ , Shepard!"

"I – borrowed it, Alenko!" Yes, it was lame, but it is what I intended. He would get his ship back, none the worse for wear.

He stopped in his tracks to stare at me incredulously, his eyebrows shooting up into his hairline, "You – I'm sorry,  _what_?"

"I want my ship! I do not want yours. But without the  _Concord_ , I don't have a hope of finding the  _Normandy._ " I was proud I kept my voice steady and as cold as his. My hands were still pressed to my stomach though. Damn, a  _warp_  field without armor hurt!

He came closer and I could see the rest of his face clearly. His heavy brows were drawn low over his whiskey-tinted eyes and his full lips were pulled into a tight line. "That's bullshit, Shepard. Any ship in the galaxy can help you find the  _Normandy_."

I didn't remember him being so dense two years ago, "No, Alenko, any ship in the galaxy can't help me find the  _Normandy_. The  _Normandy_ , just like the  _Concord,_  can't be found unless it wants to be found."

"You're right, so how's the  _Concord_  going to help?" He crossed his arms and stared at me skeptically.

"I'm not sure of the specifics, but my team tells me they can use the  _Concord's_  stealth drive to locate the  _Normandy's_."

"You stole my ship and you're not sure of the fucking specifics?" Ah, there was the angry voice.

"I'll have my team present you with the full schematics tomorrow, Alenko! That is not the issue here!"

He stepped closer and leaned into my face, "No, the issue here is that you used me to get my ship. You had sex with me to get close enough to me so I would trust you.

"You are still a betrayer and a traitor."

My stomach dropped into my boots and I felt my blood turn to ice, my heart tried to pump it faster and faster through my veins. The room spun and filled with a blue fire as I reflexively activated my biotics to futilely protect me. I didn't have the adrenaline pumping through my veins like I'd had on Horizon to protect me from the pain of his words. The floor rushed up to my face and I felt two steel bars catch me around the shoulders. My head still spinning, I was thrown unceremoniously into a chair and my head forced down between my knees. "You don't get to faint, Avery. You get to face what you've done, here."

The universe righted itself and I stood up and gave him the only response suitable for his accusation. I slapped him. "I did not have sex with you so you would trust me! How dare you! You don't get to judge me! You have no idea what I've had to do since I –"

"Since you died?" I stared at him. "Oh, yes, I know all about it. Your 'team' was kind enough to fill me in on the Lazarus project." He walked over to his desk and picked up an OSD and threw it at me. I caught it without looking. "When I saw," his voice broke and he cleared his throat. "When I saw you dead on that slab, I couldn't breathe." My eyes widened, "Oh, yes, there's full video surveillance of you being pieced back together." He grabbed my arm and searched my face. "Which one of your  _team_  put that together for me? Who faked all the footage? I have to say, that was some pretty impressive camera work."

I swallowed, "So, you've got it all figured out, have you? I'm an evil manipulative bitch, hell bent on ruining your life?" I shoved my finger at him, poking him in the chest, "Tell me, Staff Commander, if I didn't love you, would you really be important enough for a Spectre to fuck over like that? Would you really be that far up the food chain for me to have given a rat's ass enough about you to what, screw with your life like that?"

"Wait, 'love'? You don't get to throw around words like that right now!"

"No, you only get to throw them around after I save your life, yet again! And then judge me for it!" I pushed past him. I was done. I was tired of this. He wasn't going to listen to reason and believe the evidence in front of his eyes. I sat the OSD down and walked toward the door.

"You walk out of here, I'm not going to talk to you again, Shepard." The cold voice was back.

I had my hand up to touch the pressure plate, "It's going to be a long trip, Alenko. Make yourself comfortable." Strong hands grabbed my shoulders and spun me around before I could comm. for Legion.

I raised my eyes to his, hoping he read the complete hatred I felt for him in that moment. He seemed to flinch, but it might have been my imagination because he continued to meet my gaze steadily. "I mean it, Shepard. You walk out that door, don't come back."

I crossed my arms, "Are you willing to talk or just shout accusations at me some more? Am I innocent until proven guilty? Or have you already tried and convicted me?"

He ran both hands through his hair, lacing his fingers behind his neck and spun away from me. "I'll listen."

His back was still to me. I shrugged and leaned against the door. "I did die, Kaidan. And a great deal of me is machine, as you can tell from that vid."

"Yeah, I know. I found no evidence of it being faked." That all came out in a breath.

"Then why did you-?" I closed my eyes and shook my head. Reopening them and staring at his taut shoulders, I continued, "Liara has information for me. She knows where Cerberus took the  _Normandy_. She'll be coming with us. I didn't want to use her resources before because I don't like where she gets her information. But the Alliance has forced my hand and upped our timetable.

"Liara has also found out why they recalled all available ships."

He dropped his hands to his sides and turned, "Why?"

"A massive pirate movement that would make Mindoir and Torfan look like garden tea parties."

He spun, "The Shepard I knew would set aside her agenda and defend those colonists!"

"No, she wouldn't." I crossed my arms, but stayed pressed against the door.

His eyebrows shot up again, "She sure as hell would have! We busted our asses to save Feros because you wouldn't let another colony fall if you could help it!"

"I could save every fucking colony in the Milky Way and it wouldn't matter, Alenko." I pushed off the door and closed the distance between us. His warm brown eyes were glued to my face. "The Reapers are coming."

"They will take centuries to get here from dark space, Shepard."

I shook my head, "No, they won't. They're capable of far more than we are, Alenko. And they're coming. Within the decade, at least; within the next few years, most likely. They are coming. Soon, it won't matter if you're a pirate, a Spectre, or an Alliance Commander. We'll all be dead."

I took a breath and continued, "Liara knows this. Tali knows this. Garrus knows this. Hell, Joker and Chakwas know this and they didn't even see everything you did in the hunt for Saren. Why can't you get it through your thick skull, Alenko? Nothing matters except stopping the Reapers!"

"You're obsessed!"

"You're damned right I am." I threw up my hands in the air and began to pace. I clasped my hands behind my back. "They will come, Kaidan. And we'll all, every one of us, die. Unless I get my ship back. She helped me defeat the Collectors. It took the combined firepower of the Alliance Fifth Fleet and the Citadel Fleet to bring Sovereign down and it cost us far too many ships. We can't afford that kind of attrition against hundreds, maybe thousands of those dreadnoughts."

"And what is one ship going to do?"

I glared at him, "Alenko, use your brain."

He narrowed his eyes at me, "You planning another suicide run behind enemy lines?"

"If that's what it takes."

He sat down on the edge of his bed. "No."

My eyes bugged out, "NO?" I demanded incredulously.

He shook his head, "No. If you sacrifice those colonies to defeat the Reapers, Shepard, you're no better than Saren. You'll lose what makes our civilization great in the process of saving it."

I wanted to scream in frustration. "Do you know what the Collectors used to be, Alenko?"

He blinked at my seeming non-sequitor, "No, what were they?"

"Protheans." I could see him process this information. It was almost like watching myself connect the horrible dots on the Collector ship three months ago. The tall, elegant statues standing their silent watch on Ilos. The short, squat winged things we'd fought on Horizon.

He looked a little nauseated, "How?"

"The Reapers. They did the same thing to the Keepers on the Citadel. But there's no record of their original race."

"That's what Saren was trying to do, wasn't it. Arrange for the asari, the salarians, the turians, us, even the krogan to serve those things." He was finally horrified enough. He stared up at me, "How did you find this out?"

"We raided a Collector ship. EDI hacked their computers. She compared the Collector DNA to what we had on file of the Protheans' DNA. Other than some manipulation, it was identical." I still stood in front of him, waiting for his response.

"Get out. Please."

I blinked. That was not the response I was expecting. "What?"

His red-rimmed eyes looked up at me, "You couldn't trust me enough to tell me all of this to begin with? I had to find out the details of your death through your 'team'? You steal my ship, possibly ruining my career? You dump all of this information on me and want me to forgive you?"

I knelt in front of him, cupping his face in my hands so he couldn't pull away. "I don't expect you to forgive me, Kaidan. I don't even expect you to like me very much. I certainly never expect you to love me again."

I rose up until my mouth was even with his. "But it won't matter. I may have survived this suicide mission. I don't expect to survive the next. And if I have anything to say about it, there won't be a Cerberus around to resurrect me." I closed my eyes and pressed my lips to his, gently. It was a good bye kiss. "I love you." His lips didn't move. I really didn't expect him to speak with me again once I left this room. I stood up and walked toward the door. "But know this, Kaidan. I am sorry. I should have trusted you, yes. I don't trust the Alliance, but I should have trusted you." I called out to the geth and the door cycled open. I turned to look at him, slumped on his bed, his strong hands hanging limply between his knees. "The door won't be locked. There will be no guards stationed outside your quarters. You're free to come and go as you please."

"I...," I waited as he started to speak then stopped. When he didn't continue, I left the room and let the door close behind me. "Legion, you're relieved. Please let everyone know Staff Commander Alenko is not a prisoner. Has Liara arrived yet?"

"Acknowledged, Shepard-Commander. T'Soni-Doctor is waiting for you in the CIC."

"Thank you, Legion. See if Joker needs help with EDI."

The geth platform moved away and I allowed the tears I'd been holding back to fall silently down my cheeks. We should never have slept together.


	27. Chapter 27

_She Said_

I dried my tears in the mess. Fortunately, there was no one there to see my weakness. How the hell that man could get under my skin so thoroughly, I had no idea. I regretted my initial reaction to his accusation. I should have punched him. But that's not what my body had desired to do. It wanted to escape his accusations in the only way it could, shutting down. Next time, I'm punching him, I promised myself. I straightened my shirt and checked the nearest shiny surface to make sure my eyes weren't bloodshot and headed up the stairs to meet Liara.

The petite asari was standing in Kaidan's CIC. It had been Kaidan's ship and remained Kaidan's ship, no matter that I borrowed it. She was wearing the same uniform I'd last seen her in on the Shadow Broker's ship. Gone was the maiden personae she used to hide her abilities and her first class mind, the guise she'd used when we'd had dinner together only 48 hours ago. She stood in front of me, now, the most powerful woman in the galaxy.

"Shepard!" She hugged me and I returned the embrace. She stepped back and looked at me with concern. "I'm sorry it had to come to this."

"Well, you did warn me. I just hope we can get the _Normandy_ in time to be of assistance to the Alliance." And to stop the Reapers. And do something about Cerberus.

My to-do list was too long.

"I think I've found something that will go a great deal toward assuring that." She gestured to the galaxy map.

"Did you figure out where they might be?" I asked, trying to keep the desperation I felt out of my voice. The sooner I gave Kaidan's ship back to him, the better.

"I've narrowed it down to five systems. I hoped that would give your people a place to start."

I raised my eyebrows, "Five systems is better than the whole galaxy. Thank you, Liara."

"Oh, and I almost forgot. I found an old friend of yours. Kasumi?" Liara turned and looked toward the bridge.

A small woman pushed herself off the wall and walked toward us, graceful as dancer. I hadn't noticed her standing in the shadows, presumably talking to Joker. I stepped around Liara, a smile on my face. Despite the circumstances, I was happy to see the professional thief. We hugged and she managed to whisper in my ear, "You need to tell me everything, Shep. I can see it in your eyes." I nodded, but when I stepped back, I made sure my Commander mask was back on.

I looked around and saw Jack loitering near one of the computer stations. "Jack, please get Garrus, Jacob and Miranda. And don't 'forget' to get Miranda, please?"

The younger woman huffed and slouched her way to the stairs that led to the crew deck. "Fine, whatever."

When Jack was gone and we were alone in the CIC, except for Kasumi who would know everything about our conversation soon anyway, I turned to Liara, "I wanted to tell you, I'm sorry I was so distant earlier. Kaidan-"

"Is the man you love. You don't have to explain to me, Shepard. I hope I can get this matter settled between you two quickly. And most importantly, get the Normandy back." She rubbed my arm sympathetically.

"Thank you, Liara." I turned at the sound of a door opening and my command staff made their way onto the CIC. When they'd all greeted Liara and I explained what she'd found, the three of them went to stand at the galaxy map to discuss what our next move was. I turned back to Liara, "Are you sure you can put up thirty something people on your ship?"

"Of course, Shepard. I wouldn't have offered if I didn't think it was a good idea. You can't keep them in the cargo hold the entire time you're searching."

"Thanks. I'll tell Joker to lay in a course for Hagalaz. We should be there soon." I turned to leave to go do just that.

Liara stopped me with a hand on my arm. "I regret that I cannot go with you. I've been away from Hagalaz for too long as it is. I guess this was my way of asking you for a ride." She smiled.

I had to laugh. "Any time, Liara."

When I approached the bridge, Joker rose to meet me. That was never going to be a sight I'd get used to. Sometimes, even Cerberus does good things. Like give my friend legs. "She's not the Normandy, but she'll do," he said by way of greeting. His green eyes met mine and I could see his compassion there.

"Don't. Don't start. Just set a course for Hagalaz, please."

"All right," he said, uncharacteristically subdued. But he didn't sit right down and get to work either.

"Something on your mind, Joker?" I put my hands behind my back and stood at parade rest, prepared for the pilot to yell at me over my treatment of his friend.

"He'll forgive you, you know. It may take a while, but he will."

I blinked back something that couldn't possibly be tears. "I'm not sure I should be forgiven. I mutinied, Joker. And I led the rest of you along this path, too."

"Like we wouldn't have followed you anyway. Just like when you mutinied to stop Saren. He'll come around, Shepard. That's the good thing about Kaidan. He can be reasonable when he's presented with enough evidence." When the hell did Joker become the voice of reason? "But," he continued, "You can't let him sit in the dark. You're going to have to talk to him."

"I know. Just… the last time didn't go so well." I looked away.

He shrugged, "Try again. It's a long trip to Hagalaz."

I nodded, "I'll check in later, Joker. Thanks."

He sat back down, "No problem. Now get off my bridge." I laughed and turned to leave. "Oh, Shepard? Can you leave me your Omni-tool? It gets too quiet up here." I smiled and handed him the device. I never used the thing anyway. EDI's voice greeting Joker followed me back to the CIC.

Liara and Kasumi had joined the debate over the galaxy map. "No, it can't be that planet. There's too much civilian traffic. It's got to be this one," Miranda nearly shouted.

"It would be too expensive to shield against that pulsar," Garrus pointed out. "It's got to be this one." He jabbed his finger at a planet in the Hawking Eta cluster.

Jacob shook his head, "The quarians stop there a lot for trading with each other. There's got to be a better system."

"They could stealth against the quarians, Jacob," Miranda pointed out, gently.

Jacob scowled at her, then slowly smiled, "I guess you're right." His hand reached out to surreptitiously run his thumb along the back of her hand. She smiled back. Kasumi looked as nauseated as I felt. She'd been attracted to Jacob, but didn't want to get involved with him so soon after her partner's death. So, Jacob and Miranda had rekindled their flame fighting alongside each other again.

As they argued, I thought of Kaidan. I knew he was down in his quarters staring at the walls, trying to think how to get his ship back from me. And if he could, I was almost certain I'd let him, the Reapers be damned. I couldn't handle another Horizon. But could I handle another outcome like Horizon for the colonists? Would I be forced to sacrifice everything to keep the wolves from the door? I knew, logically, I was. But I wondered sometimes if I was strong enough to do it.

God, Horizon. I'd been frantic to find him, to make sure he wasn't taken by the Collectors. Given what I now knew they did with the colonists, I still woke up in a cold sweat some nights. And then, the first time he told me he loved me it was in anger and in the past tense. And the first time I tell him it was in apology for stealing his ship and possibly ruining his career. I was an idiot. But I still had a mission. And I needed Kaidan.

I came back to the discussion to find that none of them had agreed on anything. Even Kasumi was arguing now. I held up a hand, "All right, stop. It's a long trip to Hagalaz. We all have the data. Go analyze it somewhere quietly and give me a report on what you think is the most likely place. We'll meet at 10:00 tomorrow." It was only around noon, now. Should give them plenty of time to come up with something. They all murmured their assent and began to wander off. "How would you like your old quarters, Liara?"

"Is Doctor Chakwas back in the medbay?"

I smiled, "That she is. Go ahead. I think you know the way." I winked, "I doubt this ship has any features you don't know about anyway."

She smiled back. "You're probably going to bring food to the commander, right? I'll walk with you."

"Thanks." It was a short walk, so we didn't actually talk while we walked, but it was nice to just be near a friend who wasn't under my command again. We parted ways at the autochef and I heard Liara greeting Doctor Chakwas enthusiastically. I smiled to myself, glad they remained friends, at least. I ordered Kaidan two sandwiches and missed Gardner a little bit for the conversation and the fact that the sandwiches would be fresh. After I made him wash his hands.

I knocked on Kaidan's door, but when there was no answer, I hesitated. I didn't want these, I'd ordered them for him. I could either leave them outside the door, or barge in and maybe hope he was just getting out of the shower. Wow. That was… well, why not? I did love him and I never stopped thinking he was gorgeous. I felt my entire body heat as I remembered in vivid detail the night we spent together. I hated that I had to put him in this position. I didn't think he should forgive me, but he should see that I would never have done this if I didn't have a damned good reason for it. Right? But then, he didn't see that working with Cerberus when I had to was necessary, either.

He'd once admitted he'd gone into the service to fulfill a half-held childhood ideal. I'm not sure, after Mindoir, that I'd had any ideals left. They'd certainly gotten battered enough on Elysium. I may have gotten a medal for it, but that "vacation" had been a clusterfuck of the highest order. I wanted to be mad at him in return, but all I felt was tired. I knew that was a bad sign for us. If I didn't even have the energy to fight for him. Maybe it would come back tomorrow.

I let myself in to his quarters and quietly walked to the desk to leave him the sandwiches and the energy drink. The room was darkened even more than it had been when I left it a few hours ago. Through the low lighting, I saw a familiar shape under the thin blanket. I set the food down and crossed to look at him. Usually, he would look peaceful when he slept, the few times I've seen him sleep, that is. Today, he looked like he was in the throes of another migraine and trying to sleep through it. His brows were knotted together and even in the dimly lit room, he seemed pale. I resisted the urge to rub my fingers along his forehead to smooth out the knots. "Shepard, stop watching me while I'm trying to sleep. It's a little creepy." I jumped at the sound of his voice in the silence of his quarters.

"Uh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean - I just brought you some food. Thought you'd be hungry." I turned to leave, but his hand snaked out from under the blanket and grabbed mine.

One brown eye opened and focused on me in the darkness, "Do you promise to give me my ship and my crew back when we find yours?"

I frowned at him, "Of course, why wouldn't I?"

"I'm not entirely sure why you do anything any more, Shepard." He sat up and winced. I waited, unsure what he wanted from me at this point. He blinked those beautiful brown eyes at me as if even the dim light hurt. "Do you really think you can stop them?" I tried very hard not to notice he was only wearing boxers at the moment.

I looked at him for a moment, uncertain how to reply. "I don't know, Kaidan. But I have to try. Or die doing so."

"And you're willing to even give us up to do it?"

I felt my gut twist at the sad tone in his voice, "I don't want to. But what right do I, do we, have to be happy when the galaxy is crumbling around us? When they're slaughtering humans and turians and quarians and asari and everyone? Or worse, melting us all down to our component DNA in their twisted method of reproduction? Or enslaving entire species to help them perpetuate the cycle?"

He stared up at me, "But at what cost, Avery?"


	28. Chapter 28

_He Said_

I stared up at the ceiling after she'd gone, wondering at the fact that I was considering forgiving her. She wasn't the woman I'd fallen in love with two years ago. She was more driven, more desperate. But if she was right? If the Reapers were coming sooner rather than later? And she could stop them?

Yes, I helped her mutiny once. But the danger was clear and present. It wasn't chasing down a needle in a haystack, or one ship in an entire galaxy, to be exact. I sat up, leaning my arm on my raised knee and propped my head on my hand. What was more important to me, Shepard? Or my career?

If she kept treating me like one of her subordinates, my career.

I stood up and stretched. My migraine was better; at least the volus with the turbohammer wasn't pounding on the inside of my skull anymore. All that was left was the lingering after-pain that, if I wasn't careful, could cascade into another fairly quickly. After the last week of events, I counted myself lucky that this had been my first one in a while.

I sat down on the chair in front of my desk and put my head in my hands. She wasn't the woman I'd fallen in love with, but there was enough of her there that I still loved her, still thought about her every moment I was awake. Hell, my bed still smelled like her. It kept that part of me at the front of my brain that just wanted to find her and bend her over the nearest table, no matter who was around. I felt my groin stir at my very helpful imagination.

Sex would solve nothing. I needed a cold shower.

While the icy water ran over me, I started trying to figure out a way to show Shepard I wasn't going to take this lying down. Preferably before my crew was dumped. I knew Shepard would put them somewhere comfortable but remote. It's what I would do, after all. In my position, she'd do her best to sabotage me, probably up to and including setting the self-destruct. While I didn't want to go that far, I wondered if I could trick her into thinking I would. I couldn't count on any of her team to help me, nor could I ask for help from my remaining crew, they were too green and this wasn't a training exercise.

However, Shepard had gathered one hell of a skilled crew. I had no delusions about my tech savyness when going up against Tali, or that geth. They'd wipe the floor with me. I would need to do something that was too fast for them to counteract, or too subtle. I turned off the water and grabbed a towel. I had a plan.

I got dressed and started on the sandwiches Shepard had brought me earlier. A starving biotic needs to keep his strength up, after all. Chewing thoughtfully, I sat down to work. I needed to lay traps and false trails all over the ship's operating systems and firewalls. I knew I was up against a very talented quarian engineer, and a geth. While I wasn't sure what the geth was capable of, I knew what Tali'Zorah could do. I just assumed the geth was tougher to fool and would figure out my false trails faster. I disguised what I was doing, just in case Tali or Legion decided to run a diagnostic or something; my activities should turn up as nothing more than a normal subroutine. My only worry at this point was Shepard coming to check on me, or sending someone else. It was going to take at least 48 hours of work to get my plan into place.

That was a lot of open time to be discovered and stopped. And I had no idea of the ETA to our destination. I was afraid to poke around and look for our destination in case it gave off clues to what I was actually doing. I jumped at the door chime.

Blanking my monitor, I called, "Yes?" I stood up and walked around my desk.

The door cycled open and Garrus Vakarian stepped through, blinking in the dim lighting. I'd forgotten to raise it after my migraine and since I'd been working, I hadn't needed them on. "Commander, do you have a minute?"

I turned the lights higher and told him, "Yes, what's up, Vakarian?"

"I think you and I need to talk."

"Can't it wait? I'm in the middle of something."

He stepped closer and cocked his head at me, "I don't think it can. I didn't tell you everything about Omega, Alenko." His cheekplates flared in anger and he crossed his arms. "I - didn't take my betrayal well."

I smirked sardonically, "I doubt anyone ever takes betrayal well, Vakarian."

He looked at me steadily, "To the point of attempting to take out your betrayer with a sniper rifle in the middle of Zakera Ward? In front of hundreds of witnesses? Where you considered shooting through your best friend in the head, just to assuage your own guilt?"

I winced, "What stopped you?"

"She kept him talking. Made me see what had happened. My squad's betrayal was my fault because I put a man in a position he wasn't ready for. Yes, he betrayed us, but I failed him as a leader." He glared at me, but I'm sure the fierce gaze was directed inward, not at me. "Shepard helped me see the truth. She would never tell me that it was my fault. I don't think you humans would see it that way. But as a turian, it was my fault. I trusted someone that shouldn't have been trusted. But to have even considered, for a microsecond, shooting through Shepard just to assuage my own guilt, scared me."

He paused and I waited, sure he wasn't done yet. I may not know turians well, but I felt sure I knew this one, despite the two years' distance. "She brought me back, Alenko. I was obsessed and not thinking clearly. If she had let me shoot that man, the man that betrayed my squad, me, I'm not sure what would have happened to me. I certainly wouldn't be able to help her, now." He took off his scouter lens and crossed the room to hand it to me. Scratched into the metal were twelve names with one crossed out violently.

I looked up at him, "Help her? How?"

He looked away. It was odd seeing him without his optical device, he seemed naked. I handed it back to him. Attaching it back to his skull, he answered me. "You've seen how obsessed she is with the Reapers, right? She's fine day-to-day, but when they come up, or the Collectors, or mention of the Council's coverup, she starts reminding me of me, after Omega. I wonder if she'll shoot her best friend to get to her goal. So to speak. And I also worry what will be left after that."

I shook my head. The turian was more right than he knew. "She's told me she doesn't think she'll survive the Reapers, Garrus." The gravity of our conversation was sinking in and I used his first name for the first time in over two years. I wasn't going to trust him to help me, but if things went sideways and I lost what little I had of Shepard's trust entirely, it was good to know someone else had her back. "She's using up everything she is because she doesn't think there'll be an 'after' for her."

Vakarian looked at the floor, "I know. She told me that, once. I couldn't convince her differently then, either." He paused and looked up at me, "Convince her there are things worth sticking around for and I'll," he shrugged, "I don't know. I can't offer to help you get your ship back. I can't betray her like that. But I'll... do my best." I nodded. He seemed to take that as an agreement because he turned on his heel and left my quarters.

I sat down heavily at my desk. So I wasn't the only one who saw it. I didn't think Tali saw it, and I wasn't sure Joker or Doctor Chakwas did either, but the turian was close enough to her to notice her abrupt changes. I turned my monitor back on and went back to work, the problem of Shepard's suicidal tendencies running through the back of my mind like some sort of glitched subroutine. There were different kinds of loyalty. One was what Vakarian was displaying in following Shepard, no matter what. The other was not letting your friend, the woman you love, walk over an abyss she couldn't seem to see because her goal was on the other side.

Several hours later, my stomach and my increasing light-headed-ness warned me I needed to stop for food. The sandwiches had been quite some time ago. I carefully backed out of the latest detour I'd programmed into the engineering subroutines to lay my false trail. I double checked to make sure my intrusion could not be detected and shut down my terminal. I didn't want to stop working, but if I didn't eat, I was going to start making stupid mistakes.

I started to leave when the chime on my door pinged again for the third time that day. "Come in!"

Avery stood in the doorway with two trays balanced in each hand. "I thought you might be hungry. Thought I'd bring you some food on my way to eat."

I smiled, I really was grateful to her, but wary. "Thanks. Why would you do that? Trying to keep me from roaming the ship?"

She flushed red, her pale skin showing her every emotion as always, "Of course not. I was being nice. Look, it's kind of awkward to stand in your doorway with two trays. Can I at least come in and put one down?" I rushed over to take them both from her without thinking and set them both on the small round table in the middle of my room.

I froze for a moment, looking at both trays sitting there. Had I just invited her to eat with me? Is that what I really wanted? I looked back at her to find she'd stepped into the room and stood nervously, the door sliding shut behind her. She'd changed since she'd been in here earlier. The tight, low V-neck tank and tailored pants in dark grey made her eyes seem even bluer than usual. "Was that an invitation?" she asked, nervously.

I gestured to one of the chairs, "I guess it was."

I held her chair for her, which earned me a startled glance and a shy smile. When I sat down, she looked at me, her blue yes wide. "Why? Why did you invite me in?"

I looked down at my tray. I had no idea what she'd chosen for me. It was unrecognizable, but then most things to come out of the autochef were. "I - Why don't you trust me?" I blurted out. I wanted to yank the words back into my mouth the minute I'd said them.

She stared at me for a moment, her mouth open in astonishment. "That's - I - Because you don't trust me."

I met her eyes and it seemed we were much farther apart than just the table separating us. "I don't trust you, because you don't trust me, either." My stomach twisted and I was glad I hadn't eaten anything yet.

"That's - I don't know what that is," she finished, her face turning red again. I wasn't sure if it was embarrassment or anger. "Do you still think I lied about dying?"

I picked up my spork and pushed the faux-peas around on my plate. "Sometimes. Do you think I knew you were headed to Horizon?"

I glanced up to see her look down at her hands. Her napkin was probably a shredded mess in her lap. "Sometimes."

I leaned back and tapped my utensil on the tray. "So we each have a reason."

"And we've never talked about it. We just... hopped right into bed." Blue flickered up and down her body as she spoke. I wanted to pull her to me and reassure her I would trust her from now on. But it would be a lie. To myself and to her. Could I have stopped her before she reached this abyss had i come with her on Horizon?

"Was it a mistake?" I asked quietly, dreading her answer.

She looked at me, startled, then her expression softened. "I'd begun to think so. But now? No, no time I've ever spent with you has been a mistake, Kaidan. Whether I trust you or not."

I met her eyes again, the ones I wanted to willingly drown in like the ocean they resembled. I stood up and walked around the table to her. She turned in her chair toward me and I knelt in front of her, putting my arms around her waist. She held me against her, her strong arms wrapping around my shoulders, her fingers stroking my hair. "I want the last two years to go away, Avery."

I felt her kiss the top of my head, "Me, too."


	29. Chapter 29

_He Said_

I looked up at her. "Then I want to show you something."

Her big blue eyes blinked, "Uh, all right." I stood up and took her hand in mine and led her to my console. I waited for her to sit in my chair and the screen flickered to life at the motion in front of it. She stared at it blankly and I was reminded at how adorable I usually found her inability to deal with anything remotely technical.

I pointed to the last few lines of the code on the screen. "That, when I execute it, will take over the Concord. That," I pointed at a part further up, "will lead your techs down rabbit holes that will distract them until the master code does its job. I don't think even your geth could chase them all down and eliminate them before the master code went into effect." I dropped my hand back to my side and waited.

She didn't take her eyes from the screen, "Why are you showing me this? Why didn't you just use it?"

I crouched down and with my hand on her chin, I turned her to face me. "Because I'm tired of not trusting you. At some point, one of us will have to make the first step. It might as well be me."

She smiled at me, sadly, "I was planning on letting you take your ship back over if you wanted. I can't fight with you any more, either. I'd find a different way to stop the Reapers. One that wouldn't harm you. But I can't quit trying to stop them." Her eyes were steady on mine. They'd gone to the cold blue that meant she was withdrawing.

"I'm not asking you to, Avery."

Her shoulders slumped and she looked away from me. "I'm not going to ask you not to use that program. I won't even warn my team you're going to use it. It's entirely up to you. I don't know where to go from here, Kaidan."

I nodded and stood up. She rose and gathered the remains of the meal that neither of us had actually paid attention to eating. "Give me a reason not to use it, Avery. Trust me back."

She paused on her way to the door and looked over her shoulder at me. "I'm not going to give you a reason, Kaidan. You want me to trust you, I trust you. If you think I need to be stopped in this quest, that I've lost perspective that badly, then use your code. If you really think I'm no better than Cerberus, then take the _Concord_ back." The door closed behind her.

When Shepard left, taking the remains of our dinner, I sat back down at my console and stared at the program I'd written. All I had to do was hit "execute," and I'd have her cornered. But that wouldn't be trusting her. I put my face in my hands. Could I really consider a Council Spectre to be an enemy combatant from whom I needed to escape at all costs? Could I really continue hurting any chance we had at a future together by not taking this step to trust her now?

Did I really need to stop her? Stop her from what, exactly? Other than taking her funding from Cerberus, she'd seemed to have taken her ship from them and run at the first opportunity. We were in this mess right now because she needed her ship back. But the ends don't justify the means. Not even in the face of a galaxy-wide apocalypse. But what had her ends been? Taking money from a terrorist group that had once been part of the Alliance in order to stop colonial abductions? The same terrorist group that had apparently resurrected her? I may have done the same thing in her circumstances.

But Vakarian was right. She was growing more obsessed. This quest to stop the Reapers would use her up if she wasn't careful. Something in me wanted to save her from that fate. I wanted to help her find something else to live for, now that she'd been resurrected, than stopping those machines. I shut down my monitor.

I sat in my chair for a while, staring at absolutely nothing, trying to think around the problem. Was I really arrogant enough to think I could help her? Was there anyone else she'd let try? Yes and no. I'm not even sure she'd let me try. I stood up to pace, weighing the best course of action. I rarely did anything on impulse. The last impulsive thing I did was knock on my CO's door four hours before a suicide mission.

_I take that back. The last impulsive thing I did was yell at her on Horizon. I clenched my fist and turned on my heel to pace back toward my bed. "Commander Avery Shepard, Captain of the Normandy, first human Spectre, Savior of The Citadel. You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost." I'd been surprised at the time to get the words out of my throat. It had felt tight, like I was breathing through a straw._

She wasn't my enemy. She was a Council Spectre. And a damned good one. She needed me on her side and I was letting my suspicious mind get in the way. But, she stole my ship. Right out from under me. Could I really just let that go?

_"I thought you were dead, Shepard, we all did." I closed my eyes, my memory of Horizon warring with the images from that OSD. She was dead. She'd tried to tell me. But I hadn't believed her. Who comes back from the dead? Especially after after all that time?_

_"I spent the past two years believing you were dead. I thought we had something Shepard, something real. I loved you, thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me?" I winced at my own words that I remembered with perfect clarity. She'd tried to explain. She'd tried to reason with me as best she could with her Cerberus keepers looking over her shoulder. "Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"_

I'd felt like a jackass after. When I'd thought about what she'd said. Her attempts to explain. And how I ran right over them. I'd assumed she'd lied to me and hid from me. For two years. The rumors I'd heard before being assigned to Horizon had infuriated me. They'd made me so very angry that yet again, someone was pissing on her memory.

And then they were true. And she was standing in front of me. Begging me with those big blue eyes to trust her. And I didn't. Instead, the first time I tell her I love her, it's in the past tense and with hatred in my voice. I sat down on the bed and put my head in my hands. _"You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance, you betrayed me." My own words made my stomach twist._

She hadn't though. The Alliance had turned its back on her first. Almost the minute she was declared Killed In Action, she stopped being their recruitment poster. She stopped being the Hero of the Citadel and was quietly forgotten, her warnings about the coming danger swept under the proverbial carpet. And I had had to watch it happen. Anderson hadn't been any happier, so when I requested an assignment to get me away from the fleet and the Citadel and everything that reminded me of those strong fingers, those blue eyes, the bottle blonde hair, he understood.

And then, her haircolor was different, she had new scars, her eyes carried more pain than anyone person should ever bear and there at the spaceport on the colony world, I yelled at her. But she was still Avery. Still my Shepard. And I did everything but spit on her boots. Hell, I'd tried to date; no other woman could compete with Avery Diana Shepard, but I had to try to move on. I scrubbed my face and glanced at the chrono on the wall. It was late. If I was going to do anything, now would be a good time. Something pink caught my eye as I stared at the timepiece. I stood up and walked over to the wall. There, stuck behind the chrono and wedged against the bulkhead was that stupid pink thong we'd never been able to find. I smiled and pulled it out of its hiding spot, trying to not think about that night too much or I'd be unable to leave my cabin for awhile.

She hadn't done it to spite me. She did it out of desperation, out of her obsession. If I let loose that worm, I'd be doing it now out of pettiness. It would be out of a desire to get back at her for her mutiny. She hadn't slept with me to distract me from her plans, she'd made love to me because she loved me. Because she needed me to touch her as much as I needed her to touch me.

God help me, I was going to trust her and hope she wasn't just cutting corners. And I was going to help her avoid cutting them in the future. I shoved the tiny pink thong in my pocket. I needed to find her and talk to her. I needed to tell her I wasn't going to run my program after all.

I found her leaning against the mess table, the drell assassin Thane Krios next to her. He heard me coming and their conversation broke off abruptly. He stood up and bowed slightly to her, his palms together, and turned and walked away. She turned to look at me and smiled and I forgot about the drell.

I stopped in front of her, "I, uh, didn't do it. And I won't. But I need to know, what did you do with my crew?"

Her smile widened. "They're comfortable. But the Alliance won't be able to find them. They're in a secure location. I'd tell you, but it's not my secret to tell."

"Oh. Who's is it?"

"Liara's." She glanced away at the expression on my face. "I'll ask her to tell you. That's all I can do. Just please trust me when I say that they're safe. Your XO, your pilot and your engineer are still here, though. Joker's at the helm right now."

I had to chuckle at the last comment, "Let me guess, she's not the _Normandy_."

"He points this out to me frequently. Right before he orders me to find him his ship." She rolled her eyes.

"Can I at least see where you've got my crew?" I asked.

She nodded, "We'll talk to Liara in the morning. But we can't stay here for much longer. We narrowed down the _Normandy's_ probable location to five systems."

Then she'd leave. I shut down that thought. That wasn't something to think about right now. "Five is a good place to start. Maybe I can help?"

Her eyes lit up, "I was afraid you'd never ask. You can at least help break the tie."

"Tie?"

She smirked, "Garrus, Miranda, Jacob and Liara all picked a different system. I'm holding a meeting in the morning with the whole team to see if I can get some sort of consensus."

I glanced around the empty mess, "That sounds difficult with your group of rampant individualists."

"Herding cats, Kaidan."

I had to laugh at that. Her eyes widened, "God, I've missed that sound."

I blinked at her, "What sound?"

Her hand tentatively reached out to cup my jaw, "Your laugh. Your voice. You." Her cool fingers lightly brushed against my skin, rasping along my stubble, reminding me I hadn't shaved that morning for the first time in a long time. Migraines and the woman in front of me tended to make me forget little things like that. I turned my chin into her hand and brushed my lips against her thumb, keeping my eyes locked with hers. She missed me. Her breath caught in her throat. "Is that really a good idea, Kaidan?"

"I just kissed your hand, Shepard. I'm not clubbing you over the head to drag back to my bunk."

She laughed and I realized it was a sound I'd missed, too. "You wouldn't even have to club me over the head." Still leaning against the table, she pulled me toward her. I lifted her slightly to sit on the table and she pulled me closer, wrapping her arms around me, pulling me to stand between her legs. I put my arms around her waist, staring down into her upturned face.

"I wouldn't? That's good to know." I'd been so angry with her when the day started. And now, holding her, having thought about what was between us all day, I felt it drain away and I leaned my cheek against her forehead where her head was tucked under my chin. I didn't want to move from this spot. This one spot where we were whole.


	30. Chapter 30

_She Said_

It felt safe and wonderful to sit there on that table in the mess, the arms of the man I loved around me, his scent filling my nose, the feel of his stubble against my forehead, my arms tight around his trim waist. I let my hands trace his spine for a moment and felt him shiver slightly. I smiled and looked up at him and found his beautiful brown eyes staring down at me, his lids partially lowered. The frank gaze made things tighten in my body and he lowered his mouth, his lips barely brushing mine. I slid my hands down to his belt and pulled him closer to me. He responded by pressing his mouth against mine, harder, pushing mine open, his tongue slipping in between my teeth..

He pulled me off the table until I was standing in front of him, his hand cradling the back of my head, his other arm holding me tight against him. "Room," he murmured against my lips. I nodded against his mouth. He turned us around and I walked backward with his guidance, still wrapped around him, tongues entwined. I didn't want to let go. He apparently didn't either. He slapped irritably at the door control and it slid open. No sooner had it slid shut behind us, than we started pulling at each others' clothes. I felt his rough, warm hands on the small of my back as he untucked my shirt. I pulled at his belt, unbuckling it. I wanted as much of his skin next to mine as I could get, despite the small warning bells going off in the back of my head.  _Too soon!_ I squashed the thought.

My heart was pounding and my fingers shook with need. I fumbled with his shirt, pulling it up and running my hands under it, tracing his muscles with my fingertips. I shivered as his hands slid up my back to unhook my bra. I stepped back long enough to pull his shirt over his head and he did the same to me, my bra coming off in the process. I captured his mouth with mine again, not wanting to stop kissing him. He pulled my hips tight against his with one hand and the other slid up to cup one of my breasts, his thumb teasing the nipple. "Oh, God," I moaned against his lips, "Kaidan... chair, now."

"Good idea." He steered us over to a chair and sat down, pulling me on top of him so that I straddled his hips, my feet dangling. I pressed myself tightly to him, feeling him grow harder against me, feeling my own ache intensify. I ran my fingers over his chiseled abdominal muscles, my blunted nails running through his chest hair. He pulled his mouth from mine and I tossed my head back, my hands sliding up to his shoulders, clinging to him. He kissed a trail of fire from my neck down to my breasts. One arm supported me as I arched against him. The alarm bells reached a cacophonic level.  _We have to stop, this is a very bad idea!_ The little voice I'd silenced earlier was louder and more insistent.

A tongue gently lathed my nipple and sent a shot of heat through to my core and I writhed against his hips, feeling him grow harder beneath me. His other hand cupped my other breast and I moaned at the sensation of heat from his mouth and the roughness of his fingers. I clung to him in my precarious position on his lap, my arms around his shoulders, my fingers in his hair. I moved my hips against his again and he moaned, too, but didn't pull his mouth from my breast. I inhaled sharply, and the little voice took over. "I... oh, God, Kaidan. Stop... please."  _Wait, what? No, no, don't stop!_

He looked up at me and switched breasts. "You sure you really want me to?" He did something that sent another shock of heat to my groin and I involuntarily ground my hips against him, harder.

"This is... oh, god... no, I don't.  _Kaidan,_ " I gasped, threading my fingers through his hair. I really didn't want him to stop. But we needed to have a real relationship first before we complicated things with hopping back into bed. There was a brief war within me between my heart and groin against my mind, but the mind won out. Roughly, I pulled his mouth off my breasts and cupped his chin in my hands to ease the sting. "But, as much as I want to continue this, it's not a good idea, Kaidan."

Both of his hands now cupped my breasts, taking the place of his mouth, rubbing gently. O _h, hell, that feels good._ I trembled in need. "You're probably right. I'm just having a hard time making my body believe that, however." His hands slid to wrap around me and pull me tight against him. He buried his face in my neck and I let my fingers trail through his curly hair, giving in to the urge to lick the hollow behind his ear. He shivered and asked, "Are you sure we have to stop?"

I nodded, regretting my impulse, "Do you trust me completely yet?" His silence told me everything I needed to know. "Then yes, we have to."

"Sometimes, doing the right thing sucks, Avery." His whiskey soaked voice was muffled against my collar bone, deeper and harsher than usual.

"I know, Kaidan." He sat back to look up at me. I still felt him hard and eager through my trousers. I tried to shift away, but he kept me held tightly against him. "I'd spend the night here, just to stay near you, but I don't think we can restrain ourselves."

He rested his head on my breastbone. "I'm having trouble restraining myself right now." He groaned. "I don't want you to go." He moved his head enough to slide his tongue teasingly across my nipple again. I gasped and grabbed the back of the chair and shifted my hips against him. His eyes crinkled in amusement as he did it again. "You don't want to go, either." He drew it into his mouth and closed his eyes as he sucked.

"Oh... Kaidan... Don't. Stop. Please." He didn't, he continued to play with my breasts, his hands roaming over my body. My head reeled, all I could do was hang on to him. I grabbed his hair and pulled his head back up to look at me, ignoring the ache of longing for him to keep going. "We can't."

His hands slid down under the loosened waistband of my pants (when the hell did they get unbuttoned?) and cupped my bare ass, one of his fingers tugging suggestively on my satin thong. I moaned and pressed against him again. He buried his face between my breasts and murmured, "I know. I just can't convince myself to let you leave." He looked up at me from under those beautifully thick eyebrows. "Stay. Please. I'll behave myself."

His hands were still in my pants and I still ached for him to keep going. I wanted his hands to slide forward, to rip that little scrap of fabric between my legs and rub me, his fingers to slide into me. I closed my eyes and let out a shaky breath, "I'm not sure I'll behave  _myself_." I really wanted to believe we could keep our hands off each other and just sleep next to one another all night. I absolutely wanted to talk myself into staying, I didn't want to be away from him, anymore than he wanted to be away from me. But I couldn't trust myself. And he didn't appear to have any more self-control in this instance than I did. But, it was all about trust after all. Me, trusting him. Him trusting me.  _Oh, god, I want you inside me so badly,_ I thought. Aloud, I said, "Can you really look me in the eye, and tell me you can stop? That we can stop here and just hold each other all night?"

I met his gaze. He merely looked at me for a moment, his fingers tightening on my ass, before dropping his head back down, "We can't, can we," he muttered.

"No," I whispered. I reluctantly slid backward off his lap, his hands equally reluctantly leaving my pants. He remained seated. From the looks of things, he probably couldn't stand up yet. He watched me with that look again. The possessive one that made me want to throw myself back on his lap and finish what we'd started. Instead, I held my pants up with one hand and picked up my bra with the other. In the few minutes it took for me to get dressed, he hadn't moved, nor had he stopped looking at me like that.

I walked back over and cupped his face in my hands and gave him a brief good night kiss, "I do love you, you know."

He kissed me back just as briefly, "I know." Half of me was disappointed he didn't grab me again. I turned and walked out of his quarters, not trusting myself to look back at the half-dressed marine I'd just left.

I headed for the showers. It was going to be a long night.

The next morning, I went down to the cargo hold, Garrus at my back, to check on our batarian prisoner. Kaidan promised to meet us there. The four eyed alien was chained to the wall, a pallet within his reach and a half eaten tray of food and a bottle of water. Zaeed watched him, his rifle unslung and across his legs. At least my team had treated the prisoner well. I honestly expected no less. The batarian glared up at me, then spat at the deck plates near my feet. Before either Garrus or I got a chance to react, Zaeed leaped to his feet and punched the man in the mouth.  
I held up my hand, "That's enough." Zaeed sat back down in the cheap chair and Garrus took up a position behind me, leaning against the wall. I turned my attention back to the prisoner. "I doubt you're going to tell me anything." I examined my nails. The batarian most likely had no clue how insulting that was meant to be, but it made me feel better. I looked back at him, "So, you'll be left here to rot till our business is done and then turned over to the Citadel for slave running in our jurisdiction."

I didn't think batarians could turn pale, but he certainly did. "You.. you have no proof!" he sputtered. I merely looked at him with a raised eyebrow. I didn't really want to deal with this jackass, but the bare chance he could help us nail down which planet we needed to go to was too good to pass up.

There were times where Mindoir crept up on me and hit me between the eyes with a flashback or three. Usually it was when I was confronting a batarian of any sort. Those eyes made my skin crawl, but not because there were four of them, but because I still remember one of them coming at me with my father's blood on his face. It was the same batarian I always envisioned every time I shot one.

"Name?" I asked calmly. I had one hand behind my back, clenched, digging my nails into my palm so I wouldn't flare up and put hole in the hull of the ship.

"Jierag R'khal," the prisoner spat. "What the hell do you need my name for?"

"So I know what to write on the body bag we send you back to your people in. To hell with due process," I told him and turned on my heel to leave him to Zaeed's tender mercies. The grizzled merc grinned ferally at me then turned his blank eyed gaze on the alien.

The batarian scrambled back away from the human, his eyes wide. "Wait!" I stopped. "What do you want to know?"

"Where did the order originate from that gave you the bounty on me?"

The alien laughed, "Fuck, that's all you want? I don't owe shit to those people. Not like they told me I was supposed to hunt down Commander Fucking Shepard! Caleston. Balor System. Planet Partholon. Some sort of space station."

I glanced at Zaeed. "Turn him over to the Shadow Broker. Say he was useful." I glanced at Garrus, "Tell the pilot to take off the minute the scum's off the ship."

Garrus and I left the cell while Zaeed readied the prisoner for transport. Liara would find a use for him. As much as I'd like to, killing a batarian entirely at our mercy was not something I wanted on my conscience.

Kaidan was out in the passageway. Garrus brushed past me on his way to deliver my orders. The Staff Commander beckoned to me and led me into an empty hold. He waited until the door slid shut behind us and pulled me against him, hugging me.

"I know letting him go wasn't easy."

"I turned him over to Liara."

"Better than killing him. Though I wish you'd have let us turn him in for trial." His fingers were rubbing a gentle circle on the small of my back, making things awaken that we shouldn't really address. But he pulled away first. "Sorry, Avery. I - I just wanted to tell you that."

I smiled. I couldn't help it, even after everything, he was looking out for me. "Thank you." I brushed his lips lightly with mine and turned to go.

"Promise me one thing?" I looked back and his brown eyes were solemn.

"Yes, Kaidan?"

"Take me with you, if you decide to hit that base. It matches one of the planets you've got on your short list." I blinked at him. He worked fast, but then, he was always efficient.

"I wouldn't have it any other way, Kaidan. I miss having you at my back."

"I miss being there."


	31. Chapter 31

_She Said_

There was one thing I needed to do while we were in transit. I had a suspicion my XO had gone to speak with my... what was he, boyfriend? Ex-boyfriend? I wondered what Garrus had told him. Only one way to find out. I went to wait for my erstwhile XO; he had some explaining to do. I figured out which section of the hold he'd staked out as his since his sniper rifle was in pieces for cleaning all over one of the crates. I moved a few pieces out of the way and perched on the crate, crossing one knee over the other and lacing my fingers together to prop it against. I didn't have to wait long. Joker and Garrus were more friendly than they used to be but neither of them got each other's sense of humor. I don't know how I managed to understand both their jokes.

I didn't have to wait long, I was right in assuming Garrus wouldn't waste time gossipping with Joker. He looked at me over the rim of his scouter. "I wondered how long it would take you to come down here."

"Glad I could oblige. You talked to Kaidan, didn't you?" It wasn't a question.  _Please tell me he doesn't hate me!_ I squashed that little voice flat.

He leaned on one arm on the stacked crates in front of me. "Yes."

"Do you think I'm cutting corners? Sacrificing too much? Obsessed?"

His cheekplates moved against his jaw and he looked down at the ground. "You're getting there."

"And you couldn't tell me yourself?"

He looked back up, "Would you have listened?"

"I don't know. Maybe. We have been through hell and back, you know."

He huffed out a breath around his cheekplates. "I know you better than that, Shepard. You're obsessed. I can't blame you, not really, considering what's at stake. But if you go into this fight like you've been approaching the last few missions, you're going to get yourself and the rest of us killed." I blinked at him.  _That... no... I wasn't that reckless, was I?_

He shrugged, "Don't get me wrong, I could think of worse ways to go, and you had to no choice in taking on the Collectors like we did, but I'd like to be alive to stop the Reapers, Shepard."

"I... Garrus, I.." I knew I felt desperate, but there was no way I was being that insane. I might be irresponsible with my own life, but I was never cavalier with my team members' lives.  _Wasn't I? I've certainly been cavalier with Kaidan's heart at least._ "Thanks, Garrus. You've given me a lot to think about."

He closed his eyes as I walked past. "Shepard, just... I've got your six, as always."

I cuffed his shoulder. "Just like old times, Garrus."

I left his little corner of the hold and wondered what I should do next. I'd ordered the release of Kaidan's remaining few crew members when I'd decided to trust him and my team seemed to be trying to simultaneously keep an eye on them and not scare them into doing something stupid.

Miranda was being efficient at the shipboard XO'ing. I did need to plan how to go about rescuing my ship, but calling everyone up to the briefing room to discuss it did not sound appealing right now. I got into the elevator and leaned against the back wall. I may not want to do it, but a meeting seemed unavoidable. I turned to climb the stairs toward the CIC instead of letting my feet automatically lead me back to Kaidan's cabin like I really wanted them to.

I approached Joker and found him arguing with Kaidan's pilot. "No, it's not your shift yet. And this isn't your ship. At the moment. So, get out of my cockpit." Villareal shook his head, ready to retort but at the sound of my boots on the deck plates, spun a parade ground turn and jerked himself into "at attention" before he realized I wasn't even in the Alliance any more and just a lousy Spectre who'd hijacked his ship.

I held up my hand, "Belay that. Joker, turn the helm over to Villareal. If he varies from this course, his CO will be very irritated with him. Before you get up, though, summon everyone to the briefing room. And then get your ass in there." I nodded at the other pilot. "Lieutenant. If you need verification of my orders from Staff Commander Alenko, I'll be happy to have him provide them in person?"

Villareal swallowed, "Uh, no, ma'am. I'll uh, take your word for it." Joker shook his head and started pressing buttons, I turned and headed back down to the CIC. The ship was nearly empty. Miranda and Jacob, Garrus and Legion, being the few who had any clue how to operate a starship had taken up several positions at vital stations - I assumed Tali was in the bowels of engineering. I waved for them all to follow me when they looked up. The sound of booted and metallic feet on the deck plates trailed behind me to the briefing room.

I walked in and stood at the front of the room and waited for everyone to file in. I watched them all and tried not to let my emotions get the better of me. I'd been through so much with these people. Liara was back on Hagalaz, and Wrex on Tuchanka, but these were the people with whom I'd been through hell and back. Jacob nodded to me and took up a space against the wall, leaning with his arms crossed. Garrus stood similarly, but closer to me on my right. Miranda took up a spot on my left. Legion merely stepped off the ramp and to one side, his headlamp aimed in my direction. Everyone else, including Doctor Chakwas, filed in slowly and Kaidan brought up the rear with Joker. I was surprised and pleased to see everyone leave a seat for the pilot, even Jack. But then... after going through hell like they had, they'd have to come out of it a far more unified force than they'd gone in. Especially since they'd all survived. Well... of the crew that is.

_The smell. That might've been the worst. I never thought insects would stink. Somewhere in the back of my mind, though, it sort of made sense. Bugs communicated by pheromones sometimes. The stench was acrid, sometimes sweet like rotting food, but it always made me want to throw up. I was glad when I got used to it. You could see the relief on my human crewmembers' and Samara's face when we finally were able to "forget" the smell. The only other ones not bothered were Legion and Tali. My other teammates weren't quite so lucky and I could see Garrus look nauseated as he led his team off for his part of our mission. What got me was the colonists. Standing there, staring in horror as the woman's fists pounded against the clear sided container, leaving bloody prints behind._

I don't know why I always came back to this memory. Lately, seeing the colonist's face dissolve overrode even the nightmares of my own death. And sometimes, I'd wake up after having seen my crew suffer the same fate. But it was hundreds of times worse when my sleeping brain realizes if I'd been just a minute or two too slow, Kaidan would have been in those pods. I clenched my fingers on the railing behind me and tried to not stare at my former lieutenant just to make sure he really was there.

I waited for everyone to sit down. The minute I spoke, the chatter stopped and all eyes (and headlamps) turned to me. "Our batarian guest coughed up the origination of the people who hired him. Hopefully, it's not just a blind alley and we'll actually find the  _Normandy_ there."

"So, where are we going, Shep?" Kasumi asked, her eyes twinkling under her hood.

"Caleston. Apparently, there's a space station orbiting the planet Partholon in the Balor System."

"That's quite a ways away, Shepard." Tali pointed out.

"More time here on the Good Ship Lollipop," Joker responded, grinning.

"What's a lollipop?"

"Who the fuck cares? Look, getting a ride from these squints was a good plan, Shepard, but it's been boring as hell. I'd better get to shoot something, soon. Or are you going to let the boyscout spoil all our fun?" I quirked an eyebrow at Jack's outburst, but before I could respond, Miranda stepped in.

"This will have to be a covert reconnaissance mission,  _Jack_. Your particular... style... isn't suited to this type of operation." I resisted the urge to put my hand to my forehead in pain. It had taken me a great deal of persuasion to get Miranda to start using Jack's name. Now she hurled it like an epithet.

"Miranda, I think the teams are up to Shepard, not us." Jacob gently reminded her. She turned to glare at him and I braced myself for the tongue lashing sure to follow.

She took a deep breath and seem to grit her teeth, though. "You're right, Jacob. I'm just doing my job. Remember that? Our job?"

 _Oh, hell._ I shared a glance with Kaidan who merely shook his head. Jacob and Miranda just sort of looked at each other awkwardly.

I was entirely grateful for Thane's interruption, "Siha," Kaidan's eyebrows rose and I resisted the urge to grin. "I assume you have a plan, even with our limited knowledge of this base?"

"Of course. First, I'll need you and Kasumi to sneak in and steal the plans of the base. You'll also need to verify that the Normandy's even there. When you have, give us the all clear and we'll take one of the shuttles from  _The Concorde_  and head over. We do not want  _The Concorde_ docked at this station. She's to lie doggo and take off as soon as the shuttle's clear. Cerberus can't get their hands on her." I refused to look at Kaidan. I could almost hear his protest. The two operatives of my team best at stealth nodded. "Next, we'll spilt up into four teams. Wreak as much havoc as we can so they can't chase either ship. Blow up any reserve vessels they have."

"Finally, some fun!" Grunt growled, punching one fist into another.

Jack grinned an evil little grin and walked toward Miranda. "So long as the cheerleader doesn't object. This is a Cerberus pet project, after all." I was seriously considering putting her in Miranda's team. For about a millisecond.

Miranda rolled her eyes and took two steps closer to Jack to get into her face. "For the last time, Jack, I'm no longer a part of Cerberus."

"You've turned your coat once, Cheerleader. What's to stop you from turning it again?" Jack's sneer compounded the insult.

I scrubbed my face with my hands. "Enough." I didn't bother raising my voice. Miranda glanced at me sidelong, as did Jack. Both women gave each other one last glare and metaphorically went back to their corners. In reality, they merely both turned to look at me. "Now, team leaders, I want the three of you to meet and break everyone into teams. Just don't forget, I'm lousy at tech." I smiled at them, the humans smiled back, of course. "Go. Joker, you said the trip would take how long?"

"Forty-eight hours, Commander. We'll be cutting it close, EDI's starting to degrade."

"Shit. Anyway to speed us up?"

"Not really, we're already flying as fast as this girl will let us. I didn't want to take the safeties off without yours or Kai-Commander Alenko's approval, though." I glanced at Kaidan. He ran his fingers through his hair, his hand stopping on the back of his neck. He nodded.

"Do what you have to do," I said. "Need anyone's help?"

"Tali's, if she's got a moment. We have to coordinate it from both the cockpit and engineering." The young quarian nodded.

"All right, let's go get our home back." I stood, leaning on the rail, watching everyone file out. Kaidan stood at parade rest in the middle of the room, looking at me steadily. "What?"

"I'm not letting you set foot on that station without me."

"You don't have a choice."

"This isn't a negotiation, Shepard. I'm coming with you."

"You're really willing to risk the  _Concorde_ like that? Your career?"

He crossed the room to me, quickly. I met his eyes, unflinchingly, despite wanting to just drown in them. "You're concerned for my career now? After everything you've done?"

"Well, yes." I blinked at him, startled. He hadn't figured this out? Did I really need to tell him? "I always have been. It wasn't just a lack of trust, Kaidan. I didn't want to put you in a position where you had to choose between me and the Alliance." He simply stared at me for a moment, his eyebrows raised. "Say something, say anything. What?"

"You're really something, Avery." He stepped away, both hands laced together behind his neck, stretching it. He turned back to me. "You lied to me, didn't trust me, stole my ship, in order to save my career?" He sat down heavily in a chair.

I nodded, "It was one of the reasons, yes."

"And you didn't mention this before... why?"

I shrugged. "Would it have mattered? You were going to hate me anyway." I looked away. I'd gotten so used to the  _SR-2_ , that the dim lighting on the  _Concorde_  was difficult even for my artificially enhanced eyes.  _Oh, look, that was a new tactic for me. Avoidance._

He was in front of me again, turning my face to his. "You let me worry about my career." He'd allowed his voice to drop into those lower tones that made me want to throw him to the floor and rip his clothes off. Before I could say anything in response, though, or back away to keep the professional distance we were trying our hardest to maintain, his hand moved from my chin to the back of my neck, one thumb along my jaw. He lowered his lips to mine and I felt the universe grind to a halt. No other part of us touched, just his hand on my neck and our lips.

He pulled away first. "Do what you have to do, Avery. And stop worrying about my career. I'll be on your six when you walk out of that airlock." He frowned at me. "You try to leave me behind, I'll follow, you know."

"Kaidan, I -" I couldn't finish. I just looked at him, tongue tied. All my eloquence having fled. I cleared my throat, as he looked at me, rather amused. "This is no time to try to be a hero."

"I'm not trying. Maybe I'd like to arrest you and letting you out of my sight is not conducive to that goal?" I snorted. His eyebrow went up. "You won't be able to lock me back up you know. I've taken care of that."  _Well, there went that idea._

"You can't arrest me. The only thing you can do is have my Spectre status revoked and they won't do it over  _this_."

"Your Spectre status gets revoked, I  _can_ arrest you."

"Um, checkmate?" He raised an eyebrow at me. I held up a hand. "All right. I won't make you stay on board. But the  _Concorde_ lies doggo with orders to head for Alliance space exactly 12 hours after we leave if we haven't contacted them."

"What about the rest of the crew?"

"I left instructions that they were to be returned when we weren't heard from in two weeks' time. We get the  _Normandy,_  we'll help you rendezvous with them in the  _Concorde_. Hackett's going to be pissed."

"Yes, he will be. But we have a ship to get back, first." My eyes widened at his use of the pronoun. "Stop trying to protect me and manage me, Shepard. I'm a big boy."

"I know. But..." I blinked. Something was making my eyes burn. "But the only thing that made dying bearable was knowing you survived."


	32. Chapter 32

_He Said_

I stared at her, my stomach dropping into my boots. She had to be kidding, bringing that up now. What was she trying to accomplish? The Avery I remembered never had a hidden agenda and couldn't even play Skyllian Five, she was so terrible at bluffing. Had she changed to become more cold-hearted? I still didn't trust her. Was she manipulating me? Taking advantage of my desperately wanting in her pants? Wake up next to her in the morning? Hell, yes. Trust her to tell me the truth or even all of her plans? No. I stood up and avoided looking into her questioning blue eyes. "No. You don't get to say that." I'd come to terms with her never having faked her death, but then to have her say shit like this?

I didn't have to turn to know she was staring at me, her eyes wide. "Uh, what the hell, Kaidan?"

"The minute I start to forgive you for this...  _mess_... we're in, you pull something else out of thin air."

She stood up and grabbed my arm to turn me toward her. "What am I making up  _now_ , Kaidan?"

"You can't just dump bombshells like that, Avery!" I almost shouted. But an awareness that her team might be standing with their ears pressed to the door kept me from it. "And stop trying to protect me, dammit!" I turned away from the flash of hurt in her eyes. I had to get out of that room, though. I told her I'd never leave her again, but this wasn't leaving. This was needing space. This was necessary to keep from doing something I'd regret. I heard the door swish shut and I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall, breathing deeply to calm the fact that my heart was racing. How could she get under my skin so thoroughly and so fast? I pushed myself off the wall and almost sprinted to my quarters.

I got in and locked the door behind me. I had no desire to let her walk in right now. Besides, from my spike in blood pressure a few minutes ago, I saw the warning halo of a migraine in the periphery of my vision. I ordered the lights dimmed and threw myself on my bed to think.  _Why the hell did my sheets still smell like her? Like us?_  I got up and went to sit in a chair, only to realize it was  _the_  chair. I moved to sit at my desk. Why the hell couldn't I separate how I felt about her and how much I wanted her from anything else in my life? When she was near, my resolve crashed and my brains dribbled out of my ears like the gelatin they physically resembled. She kept reminding me of everything I'd ever hoped for once upon a time.  _Family, children, normalcy. Love._

I still really wanted to have her six, and I would, for the moment. I missed being there, that wasn't a lie, to her or myself. But was it really enough? I kept coming back to the fact that she mutinied against me because she didn't trust me, and then she tried to protect me because she still didn't trust me, but yet wanted me to trust her. Was she right in not trusting me with her plans? No, she wasn't. She hadn't even given me a chance to figure out what to do with Hackett's orders. I'd never even gotten to respond. But, honestly, would I have told Hackett to shove it and hijacked my own ship myself? I scrubbed my face with my hands. I'd gone around and around with this ever since she'd let me out of my quarters and trusted me not to take over  _The Concorde_. Would I have disobeyed direct orders to help her?

That was the problem. I didn't know the answer to that question. I dropped my head into my hands. The broken trust between us lay in pieces on the deck plating like a disassembled drive core. I didn't know if I had the instruction manual to put it back together. _"The only thing that made dying bearable was knowing you survived." Goddammit._ I had to take meds to make my brain shut up to sleep and keep the migraine at bay. Of course, it did nothing for the nightmares.

For the next two days, I did my best to avoid her. I ran my ship as best I could with the limited crew I had. Fortunately, Shepard seemed to have given her people instructions to follow my orders as captain. Even the mouthy tattooed girl they called Jack did what I asked. I found myself surprised by that given her attitude on the mission to rescue Shepard and Lawson.

By avoiding Shepard and speaking to her only when our jobs required it, the trip to Caleston managed to be completely uneventful. For which I was grateful. She seemed to be attempting to avoid me as much as I was trying to avoid her. Every time I'd pass Joker, though, he'd roll his eyes at me. I had brought my dinner to my cabin to go over the readiness reports the night before we were due to arrive in order to look them over without interruption. Shepard's team might treat me with respect, but that didn't mean I was one of them. I didn't hold it against them. After all, I'd yelled at their fearless leader and left her to go through hell while they'd stood behind her. It didn't matter to them what my reasons had been. The only ones who didn't were Tali and Garrus, but they were still part of that team while I wasn't.

So, I worked. I didn't mind. Though I missed that year we hunted Saren, not the actual hunt itself, of course, but the camaraderie, the teamwork. Until I dozed off.

_"Kaidan. Go." She stood tall and strong in that armor. Invincible. I watched her head for Joker and I turned and ran for the escape pod. I sat in that pod, confident and foolish. When I heard Joker's mayday, I wanted to curse that man. He needed to get to a pod. I think we all sat there, listening to the static-y comms as Shepard coaxed Joker to leave the Normandy._

_"C'mon, baby. Hold together, hold together!"_

_Shepard's voice was next, confident, authoritative. "Come on, Joker! We have to get out of here!"_

_"No! I won't abandon the_ Normandy _! I can still save her!" I shook my head. Joker was going to get himself killed._

 _Shepard's voice was gentle, if exasperated. "The_ Normandy' _s lost. Going down with the ship won't change that."_

_There was a brief silence. I imagined Joker looking up into those blue eyes. "Yeah... okay. Help me up." There silence on the comms, then. Just the sound of Joker's yelp as I imagine Avery forewent gentleness for expediency and dead lifted him. I almost laughed. I glanced around the pod and found more than a few grins. Grins that quickly disappeared at Joker's strangled exclamation, "They're coming around for another attack!" Shepard grunted with effort. I assumed she shoved Joker into the pod. "Shepard, c'mon! Hurry!"_

_I heard the impact first, muffled slightly through the comms. Avery's soft curse as she bounced off something. Then Joker shouting, "Shepard! Commander! Goddammit, Shepard, answer me!" Before I'd known what I was doing, I'd unbuckled the harness and shot to my feet in the cramped confines of the pod._

_"Shepard!" I put my hand to my helmet, not really thinking about much beyond trying to get a clear transmission. "Shepard! What happened? Shepard?"_

_"Kaidan, I -" She was panting, gasping for air. Oh, God, no._

_"Shepard!" I found myself at the airlock door to the pod, straining to see through the tiny round window._

_I could hear gasping over the link. My eyes strained to find her out there in the black. She was too tiny, the ship now too far away. I stared at the Normandy in her death throes, my stomach twisting at the sound of Avery's labored breathing._

_"Shepard, please, God, no!" Joker's voice. I'd forgotten about him._

_"Shepard," I shouted, my voice raw as if I'd been screaming. "Shepard! Can you hear me? Focus on my voice. Help is coming!" She wheezed and coughed._

_"Kaidan-" The comms chose that moment to cut out. I felt like I was on fire, every nerve ending screaming in agony for her._

_"Shepard!"_

My own shout woke me with a start and I sat up shaking my head to clear it. I'd relived her death so many other times since she'd been taken from me. It had been my only companion every night for a year, after all. Since I'd found out she was alive, I'd managed to shut it down, unless it was in a nightmare - I think the first time in two years I hadn't had that nightmare was the night she spent in my quarters. When the rumors she was living reached me, I had to believe she had been picked up after the comms cut out. Having her in front of me, living, breathing, had dulled the pain, but her comment about her death had apparently reopened the lock and that memory had been coming back and invading almost every spare moment and keeping me awake when I should have been sleeping.  _Again_. Had I really believed she'd faked her own death after that? Avery just wasn't that good at subterfuge. But, a small part of me acknowledged, it was easier to believe she'd lied than had actually been taken from me in the most final way possible.

And I owed a terrorist organization for bringing her back to me. Ironic.

I scrubbed my face in irritation and got up to go to bed. I'd so far managed to forgive her her mutiny. Or had I? At the moment, I didn't feel as if I'd forgiven her, I still felt very angry with her when I thought about it for too long. And then worry would replace the anger. And then I'd get angry again. Avery had a talent for doing that to me. I rolled over on my side and resorted to a meditation technique so I could sleep.

I was woken by Shepard over the in-ship comms. Unlike the last time her voice woke me, she wasn't warning me of stealing my command out from under me. "We're on approach to the Balor system.

"Cerberus wants to count us out. They want to control us and dictate to us. They think they own us.

"We're going to prove them wrong. We're going to prove that we will not roll over and take what they give us any more. There's too much at stake here to be ruled by the petty whims of a petty man. There's too much at stake to answer to one individual. So, here and now, we tell Cerberus: no more.

"The Normandy is not just a ship. She's a weapon. She's our best defense. And in some cases, our friend. Those bastards think they can take her away from us and take her apart after all the work we put in to making her the best ship in the Milky Way? I don't think so.

Let's go get our home back." I stared up at the ceiling. Avery hated giving speeches, but she gave damned effective ones. It wasn't the words that got to her team, but the sheer determination and faith in them that made her speeches great.

I got up to get ready. I tried not to think about the fact that after this mission, she was going to be gone. And everything still between us would be left unresolved. I finished shaving and climbed into my armor, a memory of Avery helping me into it before her death -  _long fingers trailing against my spine and along my ribs, gentle lips behind my ear -_ threatened to erode all my resolve. "Dammit, stop that." I headed up to the cockpit. Joker didn't need me looking over his shoulder for this, but I needed to do something other than stand around while Avery ran my ship.

I made it up to the cockpit in time to see Avery turning away from standing behind Joker. "Steady as she goes," she told him.

"You got it, Shepard." I met her eyes and was startled to see their blue depths rimmed with red. Had she been crying? She nodded at me as she brushed past. "Commander."

"Spectre." I tried to keep my eyes on her whole body as she walked away, but when I caught myself staring at her swaying hips, I wrenched myself around to find that Joker had turned his chair to face me.

He sat glaring up at me, his arms crossed. "Would you pull your head out of your ass, Alenko? You used to be a nice guy, as I recall."

I raised an eyebrow. "Now what did I do?"

"Oh, now you're an idiot as  _well_ as a jackass? You really don't know?" If anything, he glared at me harder.

"What are you talking about?"

"You realize she's the only one holding this group of psychopaths together?"

I frowned. "Not sure I follow."

He rolled his eyes. "We're not playing with baby Alliance officers, here, genius. They're like sharks. Sure, they may be loyal for the moment, but the minute they think she can't get the job done, everyone but Tali and Garrus is gone. Blood. In. The. Water."

"I doubt that." He rolled his eyes at me. Before he could retort, I continued, "Everyone knows she can get the job done, Joker. No way anyone's paying attention to me or worrying about what I do."

"Get out of my cockpit. I am not talking to you until you stop being so fucking stupid."

"It's still my ship."

"You want to fly her? No? Then she's mine."

"And you take your orders from Shepard."  _As do I._ My mouth twisted. "Get to the point, Joker."

"My god, you're dumb. I already made my point. You don't believe me?"

"Didn't I just say that?"

"Fine. I'll use small words your tiny Jarhead brain can understand. She. Still. Cares. About. Your. Dumb. Ass." He sighed. "And she could really use your help in not being crazy terminator lady."

"And I still care about her. Neither of those facts are going to fix our current problem. Joker, she stole my ship and is hell-bent on a suicide mission.  _Again_." I leaned closer. "She's willing to sacrifice everything to save everything. I don't know about you, but that doesn't make sense to me."

"Then, you moron, maybe you should do your best to point that out to her?"

I frowned at him. "You honestly think Shepard will listen?"

Joker's brows drew down and I'm not sure how, but he looked even angrier. "Worth a try, isn't it? Won't you feel worse when she manages to sacrifice herself again and you're still around? After all, she's also a Jarhead."

I wasn't sure how Garrus and now Joker thought I'd be able to stabilize Avery. When she saw something that needed to be done, she did it and damned the consequences. I wasn't sure she loved me enough to put me ahead of her mission. Or was that really the issue? I rubbed my forehead. "So, you're hoping I'll remind her if she goes out in a blaze of glory, everything she's trying to save will go with her?"

"Maybe you're not so dumb for a Jarhead."

"I've tried it, Joker. Repeatedly."

"Try harder. Clock's ticking. She gets the _Normandy_ , she's going to try to 'protect' you by leaving your ass behind."

"That I do know."

"Then quit stalling and figure something out. Or you'll lose everything, too."


	33. Chapter 33

_He Said_

For once, one of Shepard's plans went smoothly. For a little while, at least. The thief and the assassin proved to be excellent infiltrators. When we finally docked at the station, Avery's team split up in a professional and orderly fashion, belying their previously combative ways. I waited patiently, watching how she seemed to draw every eye to her without speaking. She had their undivided attention. But she didn't say anything. She just nodded once and they scattered. Vakarian led Dr. Solus and Jack away to set up their distractions. Lawson, Tali, and the Justicar went to do their best to sabotage every system except life support on the station. Taylor took Grunt and Massani with him to rendezvous with Thane to clear a path to the docking bay that held the _Normandy_. Joker stood nervously with us, his fingers tracing the line of Shepard's Omni-Tool still wrapped around his wrist. The assault rifle strapped to his back looked a bit odd to me, but then, seeing him off a ship and away from the pilot's chair after so long was just plain odd anyway. The geth they called Legion turned its headlamp in my direction and raised its flaps. "Shepard-Commander, we find the likelihood of _The Normandy_ being docked on the stern side of the station highly probable. The station would need to keep its balance to maintain it's gravitational rotation and there is another ship docked forward of our position."

"Thank you, Legion. I don't suppose you've gotten the layout of the station already?"  _So that's why she brought it with us._ I tried to think of the sentient robot as a person, not a thing. It was proving to be a bit difficult.

"Affirmative, Shepard-Commander. We need to access lift number 326-3827, located in the 'yellow corridor.'" I didn't think it was possible for the AI to have an emotion, but the geth's voice actually sounded puzzled at why someone would name a corridor "yellow."

Avery nodded. "Lead the way, please, Legion." She glanced at Joker who was nervously fiddling with the slim silver band on his wrist. "You good to go?"

Startled, Joker quickly straightened up from the wall and nearly stood at attention. "Yeah. Let's go."

Shepard jerked her head for me to precede her behind the geth. I drew my pistol and followed the machine, attempting to put aside the mixed revulsion and awe I felt looking at it.  _It's just another alien_ , I reminded myself.  _You just don't know if it's a saint or a sinner, yet._  Avery touched my arm, her mouth twisting up in an amused smile. My lips quirked in an amused half-grin. She always seemed to know what I was thinking.

We moved quietly through the stark, white hallways, the decking under our feet giving away our footfalls no matter how stealthy we tried to be. Joker's uneven footsteps made me wonder if he was feeling any pain from his upgrades, but when I looked back at him, his bearded jawline was merely set in determination. I shrugged mentally. He'd speak up if he had problems. I was certain of that from our years as friends.

The one thing I wasn't sure of was how I was going to save Avery from herself.

The comms chatter picked up, Vakarian encouraging his team, Taylor meeting up with Krios. Legion held up his (its?) hand in the gesture to stop and I passed along the message. Shepard stopped so close to me, I imagined I could feel her breath on my neck. Which was ridiculous, as we were both wearing armor Apparently, the back of my mind hadn't given up hope of another chair-sharing incident.

Turning a corner, we finally encountered guards. Avery stepped around me and set off a Singularity with an efficiency that still surprised me even after all this time. Joker stepped back around the corner, out of the line of fire and the geth took cover behind some nearby crates where it lined up shots with its sniper rifle. I ducked around Avery, using the geth's firing pattern as cover to advance to the next set of crates. Blue uniforms, white circle... Blue Suns. I was really getting tired of them.

The resonance of her biotics warned me of her approach and I hit one of the closer mercs with a Warp field to distract him from shooting at her. She threw herself down next to me just as reinforcements arrived for the other side. For once, I was grateful the Blue Suns seemed to have a prejudice against biotics. Made our jobs easier. I threw another Warp field just as Avery twisted her wrist and the dissonant surge of the ability she called Reave hit the woman next to the merc I'd just hit. Her screams overrode his in volume until Legion put a bullet through both their heads.

Then, Avery did something I didn't expect. And wasn't entirely sane. She pulled out the massive sniper rifle she'd been carrying - I thought it was a back up for one of her other snipers, you never know when you need another gun, I guess - and peered through the scope. She took hits on her barrier and shields, but lined up perfect headshots, seeming to compete with the geth. According to my HUD, though, her sheilds were becoming rapidly degraded. I was about to reach out and pull her back down behind cover when movement out of the corner of my eye caught my attention.

A turian in the ubiqutious blue armor was creeping around the snipers to take them out. He shimmered out of sight after engaging his cloak. The problem with the cloaking technology was that it wasn't perfected. There was still a tell-tale shimmer of energy around the person being cloaked if you knew what to look for. I aimed my mnemonic for that shimmer and was running in a crouch toward the enemy before I'd finished the gesture. The turian stopped in his tracks, startled as his cloak shorted out, the field dissipating in a storm of electrical sparks arcing over his armor. He looked up in time to see me coming at him and I fired my pistol at his unarmored head, forcing him to duck before he could shoot me. "Kaidan! Where the hell are you going?" Avery's voice shouted from behind me. And then, "Look behind you!"

I'd been so fixated on the turian ahead of me, I missed his fellow human infiltrator, cloaked as well. Without thinking, I reached out and punched the human in the jaw with my armored fist and on the follow-through, shot the turian in the head. I spun back to the human to find his gun up and aimed at my gut, but I hit it so the shot went wide. He dropped the assault rifle, the impact of my fist causing his arm to go numb. The other Blue Suns noticed my fight with one of their own and my shields began to scream in depletion as they aimed their fire at me. The Blue Sun got in a lucky shot with a right hook as I gathered myself for another mnemonic. The hit knocked me off balance a bit so I brought my pistol back up to fire at him as I pressed the quick command for a neural shock on my 'Tool and the guy staggered backward, clutching his head. My shields screamed a warning at me. "Kaidan get down!" Avery's voice. I ignored it. I had time before they failed to finish this asshole off. I fired my pistol, emptying the heatsink into the guy's head. I dropped down to the ground behind a crate, trying to catch my breath as the medigel pumped through my system and my shields regenerated.

"Shepard-Commander!" "Shepard!" Joker's voice. I looked over the side of the crate to find Avery on her knees, maintaining a biotic shield wide enough to cover herself and the crates I'd collapsed behind, the field deflecting the bullets that would have made my day a lot more interesting.

And it was failing. And her own shields were low.

Her arms were out stretched as far as they'd reach, fingers splayed. I wondered where the hell she'd learned this as I stood up, prepared to tackle her back into cover. Her shoulders tensed. Her arms flexed. The dissonant hum in the back of my teeth increased exponentially and she gathered her strength and  _pushed._  I watched, astonished, as she flung the extended barrier forward, her upper body moving with it. The shield held together long enough to sweep a few Blue Suns with it like a giant shovel and flatten them against the far wall. Legion finished off the the few that hadn't been caught by her field. Avery collapsed to her knees, panting. I flung myself at her and grabbed her around the waist to drag her behind a nearby low wall.

"What the hell was that, Avery?"

She coughed and wiped at her nose. Her blue glove came away spotted with blood. I felt my stomach twist. That was never a good sign. Not in a biotic as accomplished as she was. "A little trick I learned from an asari Justicar. I uh, added that bit at the end though. She'd warned me not to do it. But I did it anyway."

I'd never felt so angry at her in my life, not even on Horizon. I wanted to shake her, I wanted to scream at her in frustration. "You endangered yourself and your mission for absolutely no reason. I was safe, Avery. I was done and under cover. You didn't need to do that."

"Yes. I did! Your shields were gone and you were bleeding to death." Her blue eyes glared up at me. I felt my anger falter just a little until I remembered how close to death she herself had been. Not to mention whatever damage she'd just done to herself.

I stared at her for a moment. There had never been even one second in that fight where I thought I'd die. And it wasn't from arrogance. Yeah, I'd cut it close, but I'd done my job and hadn't hesitated and kept threats off the snipers' six. I hadn't been in danger. Was she that blinded over fear of losing me that she couldn't trust me to see that? Or did she just so desperately need to save everyone that I was no exception?

_The klaxon sounded, bouncing off the flame-tinged bulkheads, light chiaroscuro with overloaded circuits exploding. The feel of her hardsuit under my hands. "Kaidan. Go. Now."_

_I couldn't save her. Not then. Not now. And not from herself. Only Shepard could save herself, I just hoped she opened her eyes before she walked over the cliff and fell into the abyss before her._

"Joker's wrong. I can't convince you there are prices too high to pay for this. That there has to be another way to save everyone besides another suicide a mission into hell." I stood up, even focused on her, I'd caught the geth's signal for the all clear. "We'll get your ship back. Then I have a meeting with Hackett."

She climbed to her feet,  _no, don't look at those eyes, dammit._  She cleared her throat. "I can't convince you to stay with us. I mean, me?"

"I'm not watching you commit suicide, Avery." I looked at Joker as he walked past, shaking his head. "I'll fight to my last breath, but  _they'll_ kill  _me_. I refuse to do it for them. And I'll be damned if you die protecting me.  _Again_." I turned on my heel to follow the geth's lead toward Shepard's ship. I felt like I'd just ripped my own heart out of my chest and threw it out an airlock. I glanced back once to see Avery staring straight ahead, her Commander Shepard mask on, her own blood smeared across her face.

Yep, it was definitely freezing over.


	34. Chapter 34

_She Said_

_"I'll fight to my last breath, but they'll kill me. I refuse to do it for them. And I'll be damned if you die protecting me. Again."_ The words in that whiskey soaked voice reverberated around my head as we fought through the station toward my ship. Legion had commed the other teams  _The Normandy's_ location while we ran, so that we were able to converge on the bay.

"What took you so long?" Jacob quipped to Garrus as his team was the last to arrive.

"We ran into some old friends. Threw them an explosive welcoming party, too."

"Good to hear." I smiled at the approval in Jacob's voice.

I stuck my head around the corner and almost fainted in surprise. I ducked back and looked at my command team, then Kaidan. "Well, either they decided our ship wasn't worth dying for any more, or it's a trap. There's only two guards."

"You're welcome, " Jacob answered my observation.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at him. "Good job, then, Mr. Taylor." I wanted to just race across the docking bay to the umbilical that held my ship connected to this station. I held myself back, though, as I signaled for Thane and Kasumi to take out the two guards at the entrance to the bay. Every instinct was screaming at me that this was a trap. I motioned for the rest of my team to proceed cautiously. Joker crouched down next to me as the team began to leapfrog across the bay. I hoped he could get back up again.

"How much longer? I haven't been able to check on EDI."

"Shouldn't be too long. I hope. I-"

Miranda's voice shouted across the bay, interrupting me. "Shepard! You need to see this!" I exchanged a startled glance with Joker and helped him to his feet. Tentatively, my pistol at the ready, and Joker behind me, we crossed the open space to the rest of my team. When I got to them, I glanced at Kaidan who merely looked at me, his lips tight and his jaw set.  _Now what?_

When I reached Miranda's position, I stifled the urge to groan. Some days, it got old having to shoot through every merc in the galaxy. In front of the airlock leading to what Legion had assured me was my ship, were rows of Blue Suns, lined up phalanx-style. I flopped down with my back to the crate next to Miranda. "Well, this should be interesting." I looked at my team, crouched down with me. They'd already gone through hell and back on an unsung mission to save people who would never know and who would probably never care. A bunch of mercs weren't really going to be an issue for them, no matter how well-fortified they were. Could I ask them to do one last thing for me? I met Kaidan's eyes. They were carefully neutral, merely watching me. I kept my face blank and looked back at him.  _Yep. See? We could pull off the two strangers thing. Totally._

"Jack, Samara... I need a barrier. A strong one. Nothing like the one you had to hold on the Collector Base, but it needs to make me bullet proof." I glanced over and caught Jack's predatory grin and saw Samara's cool nod out of the corner of my eye. "Ready?" They both nodded and moved in their mnemonics. I felt the charge of the barrier behind my ears as I rolled out of cover to stand up. The Blue Suns, predictably, opened fire.

Not a single bullet touched me.

I stood there, while their weapons clicked empty and their human leader finally held up his hand and shouted, "Quit wasting ammo, you assholes!" He turned to face me, "What do you want?"

"Are you really being paid enough to die?" He blinked at me, considering. "We've killed almost everyone else on this station. Your team, right there? Not much of a challenge. All we want is our ship."

He wavered for a moment. "Cerberus will kill us."

I shrugged. "They'll kill you anyway. I'm at least giving you the chance to run." I looked at his men. "You have two choices, run now and hope you can outrun Cerberus, or die here." I led my eyes back to their leader. "Pick one."

Swallowing nervously, the leader lowered his gun. "I have your word?"

"Of course." I gestured for Jack and Samara to keep the bubble up, though. "Grunt, Legion, collect their weapons. Tali, get their omni-tools." I looked over the double row of mercs, "I assume none of you are biotics?" Tentatively, a couple raised their hands and I felt my eyebrows climb into my hairline in surprise. "Miranda, Thane, Jacob, isolate them, please." My team approached the mercs cautiously, but authoritatively. It wasn't until Legion signalled that the last had been disarmed that I told Jack and Samara to drop the bubble. Both looked worn out.

"That was impressive," the whiskey soaked voice said behind me. I tried not to let the thrill down my spine show as I turned slightly to look at him.  _Would there ever be a time I wouldn't feel that?_ He nodded his head at the Blue Suns. "Not a shot fired."

"Not everything I do has to end in gunfire, Kaidan," I told him, sadly.

He looked at me and I wasn't able to read the expression on his face. "Just most things."

"Yeah, most things." I looked away, focusing on my team. "I need to get Chakwas from the  _Concorde._ How can we pick her up?"

"I'll send her on the shuttle with your cargo when I get back."

"Thank you."

_See? Professional acquaintances. So why does my stomach burn and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry?_

Legion and Tali had disappeared to the AI's housing with my omni-tool, Joker fussing over them like a mother hen. I stood in my "office," for once without purpose or direction. Now that I had my ship back, what then? How would I go about mustering the galaxy against a threat no one but a handful believed in? My in-box message alert blinked silently at me from my desk. I didn't want to go look at it yet, though. It was either Hackett yelling at me or The Illusive Man chastising me.

Kaidan hadn't left yet. At least, no one told me he had. Was I hiding up here away from him? There was a tiny possibility I was, yes. I straightened my black shirt.  _No more hiding_. I spun on my heel, determined to make sure Kaidan left the ship in the most professional manner I could muster.

The door opened and I couldn't stop the short gasp that escaped.  _Speak of the devil and he appears._  "Kaidan!" He was still wearing his armor.  _That's right, he had nothing here to change into._

"Shepard." He paused.  _Damn, he's cute when he's uncertain. Stop that!_ "I need a straight answer."

I shook my head and turned back into my cabin. "Kaidan..."

"Don't 'Kaidan' me! Tell me the truth. Once and for all. I just... " His boots on the deck indicated he followed me into my room and the door closed behind him. This wasn't quite the way I wanted him to see my cabin. "That whole thing at the dock was way too easy! Either the Illusive Man's playing you for a fool, or you're playing me for one!"

I clicked my jaw shut after it fell open at his accusation. I turned to glare at him. "Kaidan, either you trust me, or you don't. We keep doing this same dance over and over. And I'm tired of the steps."

"You worked for them, for God's sake. How am I not supposed to think that this is all some sort of game?" He crossed his arms. His posture was defensive, but his brown eyes begged me to help him believe in me. I wasn't sure I could. Or wanted him to.

"I used them, Kaidan. Used them to take down the Collectors. Just as I've been telling you all along."

"There's more to it. They rebuilt you! I saw the vids. Your team made sure of that. They gave you everything you needed. And down there at the docks? How do I know that wasn't a show for my benefit?"

I laughed at that. "Kaidan, other than this hunt for my ship, I've had no contact with Cerberus. And you've been with me, every step of the way for that. If I'd contacted them, tell me the man who built a trojan that would fool a geth and a quarian engineer wouldn't find it.  _Tell me_."

I scrubbed my face and dropped my hands at my sides. "They made a significant investment in me, in Joker, and in EDI and the _Normandy_. They wanted to recoup their losses. So they stole what they could. You don't trust them? Fine, neither do I. I'm done trying to explain myself, Kaidan. I'm done trying to put us back together." I shook my head. "I can't prove a negative. If you're still willing to condemn me, I can't do anything to convince you otherwise. I've been honest with you from the moment we ran into each other on the Citadel. I never set out to steal your ship from you. I just did what I had to do." I looked up at him. "The cost was high, but if I can save everyone from the Reapers who's to say a broken heart isn't the cheaper price?"

He stood silently, his arms still crossed over his chest. I waited. Waited for him to say something. Waited for him to storm out. Waited for him to make up his mind. He dropped his arms and stepped closer to me. "If what you say is true, scan your ship. Carefully. Thoroughly. God only knows what that bastard left behind for you. Maybe the Blue Suns were ordered to surrender the ship to you? Hell, who says you're not a puppet, controlled by The Illusive Man himself?"

"Really? After all this?"

He shook his head. "All what, Shepard? You've explained your side to me. We talked, we fought. We argued. None of this makes any sense!" He held up a hand when I opened my mouth. "Don't try to explain more. It won't make any more sense than it has already."

I looked down at my boots and ran my fingers through my hair in irritation. "Then... why, Kaidan? Why come up here to talk to me? Why not just leave?"

He rubbed the back of his neck and looked up at me out of the corner of his eye. "Because I meant what I said, I love you. Still. Even after everything that's happened and that we've said to each other." He looked away and I fought the urge to pull him to me and hold on as long as I could. "I just... I didn't want to leave angry with you." He turned back to me. "A... broken heart doesn't outweigh the rest of the galaxy, but I'm really damned tired of us being the ones to pay the price to save it."

I stared at him for a moment. "Me, too." Then took a chance and stepped closer. "I didn't want you to leave angry either. I was on my way down to say good bye."

He looked down at me, the armor giving him a bit more height than usual. "I just want ask, one last time. Is the person I followed to hell and back, the person I loved - are you still in there?"

My eyes burned and my vision got blurry. I had been acting bizarre, I guess, as far as he was concerned. The Avery he knew wouldn't ever have stolen his ship. Though she probably would have been just as emotionally awkward. I swallowed and stared up at him. "They didn't change me, Kaidan. Or how I feel about you." I blinked and felt a tear trail down my cheek. I ignored it.  _Something was irritating my eyes. That's all._ "But nothing I say can convince you. I want you to know - I need you to know - I love you." I laughed, sadly, briefly. "But then, you were always stubborn."

He yanked his glove off and reached up to wipe the tear from my cheek. "I'm stubborn? You're trying to single handedly stop the invasion of galactic machines who've slaughtered countless civilizations and  _I'm_ stubborn?"

I smiled, relishing the feel of his hand on my cheek. "Yes. You are. But you have a nice ass, so I'll let it slide."

He laughed. The second genuine laugh I'd heard from him since before Virmire. I wanted to take that sound and bottle up and keep it with me. His hand moved to cup my chin. "I'm going to miss you."

"I know. But you'll always have a place. Here. With me."

"Good." His thumb traced my cheekbone. "You'll need all the allies you can get."

"Try not to ruin the moment with business."

"Is that what I was doing?" His head tilted and he looked at my lips.

"I think you owe me a kiss good bye."

"You're right. I'd hate to disappoint you... ma'am." His hand slid up into my hair he pressed his lips gently against mine, lightly. I think he meant to keep it short, but our bodies had other ideas. The second time his lips touched mine, his arm wrapped around behind my back, pulling me tight against him. I grabbed onto his shoulders as he straightened up, his suit-augmented strength lifting me effortlessly. I slid my hands up and into his hair, trusting him to hold on to me. My heart pounded in my ears and I slid my tongue along his lips until he let me in. My blood caught on fire and my skin tingled as we both flared inadvertently.

I don't know how long we kissed, but by the time we came up for air and he sat me on my feet, my knees wouldn't support my weight and he was flushed and breathing heavy. "That, uh... remind me to say good-bye to you more often."

"Only if you don't stay gone." I grabbed onto his shoulders and rested my head against his forehead.

"I won't. I promise."


	35. Chapter 35

**Epilogue**

_She said_

After Kaidan had left and Chakwas returned, we'd flown to the Citadel where I'd dropped everyone off and divided my remaining money between them all and the rest of the Cerberus crew. And told them all to make themselves scarce. After Bahak and turning against Cerberus, I doubted any of my crew wouldn't be arrested on sight. At least until I had time to absolve them. If I could.

I looked at the quarian and the turian who'd done so much and gone through so much with me. Words were utterly inadequate as we stood here in the docking bay. The rest of the crew had said their good-byes and scattered, looking to put as much distance between Cerberus and me as they could. I didn't blame them. After the Bahak system, I was toxic. They could all be arrested as accessories to a war crime. But Tali and Garrus, well... They didn't care. And my eyes burned as Tali threw her arms around me. "It will be fine, Shepard. They'll listen to reason. You had no choice."

She was wrong. There was always a choice. I just rarely got to make good ones. It was my job to make the hard decisions. And sending that asteroid into the relay had been the only one I could see that would buy the galaxy some time. But instead of saying all that to her, I merely nodded and pulled away to meet Garrus' eyes. Tali was an optimist. Garrus wasn't. He knew the reality and knew that in the grand scheme of things, the colonists hadn't bought us enough time, not by a long shot.

I was a war criminal, now.

300,000 helpless colonists. Condemned by an indoctrinated lunatic. It didn't actually matter that they were batarians. Not at this point. I stared down at my hands. The hands that murdered thousands. Maybe more.

No. Just like Virmire, I wasn't to blame for Ashley's death, Saren was. No. That wasn't right either. Dr. Kenson had tried to stop the asteroid collision. But if the Reapers came... those colonists would be dead. And so would everyone else.

So, no. It wasn't like Virmire at all. Ashley's blood was on Saren. These people were on my hands. Their blood, my fault.

I sacrificed an entire colony of innocents to keep the Reapers from coming through. It still wasn't been enough. Was Kaidan right? Was I far too willing to make sacrifices? The wrong kind of sacrifices? "Do what you have to do, but find a way to fight what's coming." I turned and left them standing there on the Citadel.

Then I had to talk Joker and EDI into dropping me off at Arcturus. I'd stood there in the cockpit with Joker staring incredulously up at me from his pilot's seat.

"Commander, why the hell would you turn yourself in? The Reapers are coming, remember?"

"Yeah, Jeff, I know. But what I did was inexcusable. I have to." I swallowed and looked out the viewport. "And right now, I'm a war criminal. No one believes the reason I nuked an entire star system. They point to Mindoir and call me a racist. I can't unite the races like this. Everyone is better off if I turn myself in. Anderson and Udina can use my trial to prove humanity will do what's right, no matter what."

"That's bullshit, Commander. If you hadn't blown up that relay, those batarians would all be dead anyway. Or huskified, right? Seems to me, you did them a favor."

"I committed mass murder, Joker."

"An already doomed system versus the entire rest of the galaxy. Easy math."

"I didn't even look for another way!"

"What other way could there have been?"

"I - I don't know. But I failed."

"Fine, Commander. We'll drop you off at Arcturus."

"Thank you."

"And EDI and will turn ourselves over, too. Show of good faith."

"Wait, why the hell would you do that?"

"Cerberus never actually repaired the  _Normandy_ , Commander, at least not fully, and fuck knows what they did to it instead. And you and I both know this baby will be needed."

I nodded, reluctantly. "EDI, are you alright with this?" If anything, she'd have the most to lose if the Alliance discovered what she was. According to Legion and Tali and even Joker, she'd been reinstalled without a hitch, but the Illusive Man was a sneaky son of a bitch.

The blue globe popped up. "Of course, Shepard. I suggested it to Jeff." She paused as if weighing her next words. "I recorded as much data as I could on the Bahak system, Shepard, before we fled. The Alliance might find it very illuminating."

I blinked rapidly. "Thank you, EDI. Joker, I'll be in my quarters. Let me know when we reach Arcturus."

I was taken into custody immediately, of course. To no one's surprise,  _The Normandy_ was impounded and my omni-tool was confiscated. They did stop short of pulse restraints, though. Plain handcuffs were rather pointless when you could bend matter with your mind but they put them on me for the show. I was paraded through the station to another docking bay, this time for a ship headed to Earth. Every member of the press from every species in Council space shouted questions at me and chased my security detail through the station. If I didn't know any better, I'd say Udina planned it this way. Just for that extra humiliation.

"Shepard! Is it true you blame all batarians for Mindoir?"

"Did you wipe out Bahak to avenge your family?"

"Shepard! Is it true the Reapers are just an excuse to abuse your Spectre status just to kill innocent alien civilians?"

"Did you join the terrorist organization Cerberus so you could murder non-humans?"

And then the crowds found me. "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Baby killer!" I collapsed, stunned, against a bulkhead, my head reeling from the impact of something heavy against my head. I felt the warm, familiar dampness of blood leaking from a cut in my hairline. They hated me. I shook my head to clear it. They hated me. They absolutely hated me. More objects began pelting me and my guards and they finally got the message and grabbed me by my upper arms and rushed me toward our waiting ship.

Somehow, the hearing was expedited. Probably to appease the batarians and the other Council races shouting about human arrogance and war mongering. After spending hours attempting to defend me and go over the evidence EDI had recorded, we'd been sent to wait while the tribunal deliberated. The distaste on the judges' faces was plain. I'd forced my chin high when they told us to wait outside. Anderson sat next to me on the cold hard bench in the echoing hallway outside the chambers. "So why the hell did you resign?" I needed something else to focus on or my guilt would eat me alive.

He chuckled. "I told you I hated being a politician. And then you went and blew up a star system. Udina's a better man to keep us from going into a war we can't afford with the batarians anyway."

I nodded. "Nice story. Did you practice that one?"

"Every day in the mirror." I snorted. We both sat on the hard plastisteel bench, our class "A's" tight across our shoulders and around our necks, waiting for my verdict. Anderson had acted as my advocate, though he never said whether he agreed with my actions in Bahak or not. I had a feeling that to him, it didn't matter. I'd done what I had to. I didn't know whether to be upset he supported me, or feel grateful.

The door opened to the chamber and the ensign ushered us back in. It wasn't quite a Court Martial. This was more a diplomatic exercise. I stood still for a moment and let my eyes adjust to the brighter natural light of the chamber, sunlight streaming in through skylights like some sort of benediction, after the dimmer artificial light of the hallway. Anderson gestured for me to precede him to the heavy mahogany table in the center of the room. I merely stood behind it and rested my hands lightly on its polished surface. I breathed slowly through my nose to settle my nerves.  _The way Garrus had taught me to before lining up a headshot._ The thought was so random I almost smiled. But it cheered me enough to ignore the acid in my stomach and add steel to my spine so I could raise my eyes to the three talking heads who sat in judgment of me that I'd never met before.

"Lieutenant Commander Avery Diana Shepard, we hereby strip you of your rank and commission and sentence you to house arrest until such time as a settlement can be reached with the Batarian Hegemony. You will not leave your quarters except under guard. You will remain under surveillance the entire time, due to your associations with the terrorist group Cerberus. After such settlement has been reached, your sentence will be revisited. Sergeant, please remove Ms. Shepard's rank insignia and take her to her quarters."

The  _Ms._ hurt more than I ever thought it would. As did the cold eyed young man who crossed to me and without ceremony, began yanking the hardware from my uniform. Anderson shot to his feet and started protesting, loudly. I couldn't really hear him over the hollow sound of my own heart in my ears. My gaze skimmed past the sergeant's cold eyes and I focused on the grain of the faux wood that made up the judges' podium. The sound of cloth ripping as he was none too gentle with my uniform accompanied the twist of my stomach and the sound of my pounding heart in my ears.

_Please God, don't let this be for nothing. Let this unite everyone. I can take being the villain if it means they fight. Together._

_"Know this as you die in vain. Your time will come. Your species will fall."_

* * *

 

_He Said_

I'd heard about Bahak. Who hadn't? The batarian government hadn't yet put out a price on Avery's head, but it was probably only a matter of time.

Watching Avery's arrest from the hotel lounge had been torture. The bartender went to change the vidscreen when some jackass shouted that it was boring. "Stop. Wait, isn't that the first human Spectre?" I'd called attention to it, to her, just to keep the channel open. I winced when the first object, a datapad it looked like, hit her in the temple, hard enough to draw blood, despite her augmentations. I found myself on my feet, struggling not to flare as something else heavy hit her in the temple and she staggered, landing against a bulkhead. Her guards finally got the message and hauled her to the Alliance's airlock in double time.

I think the worst part, though, was the handcuffs. It reminded me of the pulse restraints the Blue Suns had used when they'd captured her. And how helpless I'd felt watching her be dragged away. I paid my tab and fled the hotel bar, worried I'd hurt someone if I lost control.

Meeting Admiral Hackett the next day, I stood in front of him, his craggy face highlighted from below by the orange light of the terminal. His office was dimly lit, making the glow that much more eerie. "You can't let this happen, sir."

"I have no choice in the matter, son."

"There has to be something we can do." I couldn't believe that Avery found Bahak an acceptable sacrifice. Not even as desperate as she was to stop the Reapers. The press had decided to tar and feather her and the Alliance was letting them. I did have to wonder why she wasn't fighting to defend herself, though.

"There isn't! But right now, it was all I could do to keep her out of jail. The batarians want blood and Parliament was all too willing to give it to them, especially after Cerberus."

I resisted the urge to call my superior officer a weaseling politician to his face. I clenched my jaw and took a deep breath. "With all due respect, sir, you and I both know what's coming."

"Which is why you're to report to Grissom Academy. I want your opinion on this Jacqueline Naught. Kahlee Sanders thinks she'd be a good instructor." I wanted to laugh at the picture of the volatile biotic from Shepard's team that appeared on my omni-tool.  _Instructor, no. Drill Sergeant? Maybe._ "I also want you to hand pick a few graduates and teach them everything you know."

I raised an eyebrow at Hackett. " _Everything_ I know?"

"Within reason, Staff Commander." He cleared his throat.

I had my orders.

Another hotel bar the next night and I watched the press conference where her sentence was announced. The bartender happened to have it tuned to Westerlund News and I rolled my eyes at Kalisah bint sinan al'Jilani's triumphant voice as she relayed Shepard's sentence. "In a recorded statement today, the disgraced Spectre and former Commander of the Alliance had this to say."

The screen flickered and Avery, looked exhausted and haunted clutched both sides of a podium as if her life depended upon it holding her up looked into the cameras. "I do not regret destroying the relay in the Bahak system. I do regret that there was no time to evacuate the colonists, no time to warn anyone. But it had to be done to stop what was coming. Hate me all you want, vilify me. But war is coming. The Reapers are coming."

I stared at the screen in shock. She was willing to be the most hated woman in the galaxy if it got people ready to fight? I leaned back in my chair, staring up at the haggard woman on the vidscreen as she spoke. The dark circles under her blue eyes looked more like bruises, now. The healing cut on her temple and the purpling on her opposite cheekbone stood out in stark contrast on her fair skin. She stood in her casual clothes of a plain black t-shirt and black trousers and boots, the dull metal of the handcuffs glinting on her skin. I paid for my drink and went to my room.

"Joker, what the hell is going on?" I'd tried to comm Avery, but I hadn't been able to get through. So, I tried the next most likely person.

The pilot looked back over his shoulder at someone and waved. He turned back to roll his eyes at me and waited for a moment. "Good, she left. Two days and Traynor's getting on my nerves. What do you mean, what's going on?"

"With Shepard?"

He rolled his eyes. "That. Well, official channels have her under house arrest indefinitely. No outside contact at all."

"What? Why?"

"The batarians want her head." His tone implied I was an idiot for asking that particular question and I supposed he had a point.

"Can you get a message to her?"

"Of course not. Don't be ridiculous." The screen blanked as Joker cut the feed. I was tempted to comm him back and yell at him when I received an incoming message alert from my omni-tool. Surprised, I opened it.

_Commander Alenko:_

_I can relay any messages to the Commander you need, but I advise you to keep it short. I'm sure you can guess why._

_EDI_

I smiled.

_EDI:_

_Please tell the Commander that I'm waiting._

_Kaidan._

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N  
> I once planned on a sequel to Paragon of Virtue, but I wanted to see what Bioware did with ME3, first. We all know what happened there. One of these days, I'll figure out where Kaidan and Avery's story would have gone without the mess that is ME3. Hope you enjoyed the ride with me. Thanks for reading!


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